I am not your typical pregnant woman.
The one who lovingly rubs her belly or whispers sweet nothings in the general direction of her abdomen.
Instead, I’ve had some pretty frank conversations with The Unborn Child and even gave her my rendition of The Humpty Dance. Also, if you catch me petting my stomach, it’s mainly because the silly thing hurts. It’s itchy too.
I don’t have a theme or colors picked out for the soon to be nursery. She’s getting Alice in Wonderland because that’s what’s on the wall and has been since the day we bought the house. Convenient, yes? Planned, no. Am I looking to buy Alice everything now? Not even a little bit.
Since I don’t really bounce to the rhythm of the rest of the band, I thought it would be fun to share my thoughts on the second trimester, Out Loud of course. Thanks for having me, Ms. Spoons.
If you are squeamish, a man, or a member of my family, you might want to skip this post. Things are about to get graphic, and you’ll never see me or my lady bits the same way again.
Thoughts on the Second Trimester
I look pregnant, and I’m not a fan.
I’m so over this no soft cheese and booze business.
Eff it, pass the feta already.
This coffee tastes strange…is the Hubby sneaking me decaf?
Not if he values his life.
Please, please, please……let the tiny human get the Hubby’s backside.
Speaking of, I think my non-ass ass is starting to eat my underwear. Is that even possible?
I’d go commando if things weren’t so messy.
Life is different downstairs, smells have shifted, bits are enlarged, bobs are engorged.
It’s like the lazy river without all the water toys and day drinking.
Hell, I might be the one wearing diapers before it’s all said and done.
At the very least, I’ll have to burn all my knickers.
Yes, I said knickers. I’ll be damned if I’m putting on a thong right now.
I should rename my nether regions Vagina of death…dun, dun, dun.
On that note, somebody please enlighten me: what is a crotch popsicle and why in god’s name are people recommending them post-delivery?
Seriously, I’ll never be able to look at a Bomb Pop the same way again, and I love those things. Dammit.
I can’t stop eating. Is it possible I have a tapeworm? Oh wait, that’s just the baby.
For the love of carbs.
Big, buttery, beautiful bagels are my everything.
Fats aren’t bad either, and I’m definitely not kicking a cupcake out of bed.
Heartburn without chocolate, caffeine or booze is bullshit.
This is the first winter I can remember where I wasn’t cold. That’s a perk.
Oh look a bloody nose; could be a neat parlor trick.
Did I just fart? Out loud? I am mortified.
When did my nipples get so dark? They’re giving off a Latina vibe. It’s kind of sexy.
Hmm, is that a new freckle? Did my mole just triple in size?
Yeah, it’s safe to say I have no control over my own body anymore.
Blip…blip…blip.
Holy crap, I think she just moved.
Oh yeah, she definitely moved.
In fact, she’s either giving a tap dance recital in there or sweating to the oldies with Richard Simmons.
Never mind, she switched to The Can-Can.
At least she has good taste in music.
Granted, I’m sure she gets it from me.
I’m legit the size of a house.
Fine a small trailer, anyway.
Quick somebody call a search and rescue team. My kneecaps have disappeared.
Wait, where are my ankles going? Come back, come back…
I don’t have to suck in my stomach anymore. That’s convenient.
Today I feel amazing, like sunshine and roses. Life is magical and I want to frolic in fields of wheat grass with unicorns and rainbows.
Five minutes later: I can’t get out of bed. I am so depressed. I hate everyone and everything.
Except bagels.
Ten minutes later: I’m throwing rolls of toilet paper at the wall in a fit of rage.
Fifteen minutes later: and now I’m weeping for no particular reason.
Yep, I’ve lost whatever’s left of my mind.
Things I say to the Hubby almost daily.
“You have no idea what I’m going through.”
“I will kick you, I will kick you from here.” Usually after he tells me I’m beautiful.
“Honey, please rub my back,” I whine.
“You have no idea what I’m going through.”
“I love you.”
“Can you make dinner tonight?”
“Excuse me,” I say bashfully because I just farted; again.
“You have no idea what I’m going through.”
It’s easier buying a new car than it is picking out a stroller system.
Do babies really need all this stuff?
Why are there so many pink things?
Daddy’s little princess…insert eye roll here.
Slow flow, fast flow, variable flow….nipples, nipples, nipples. I am definitely not in Kansas anymore.
Suffice to say, pregnancy has made me a fish out of water in a pond where I wasn’t planning on skinny dipping. I’m here now though, not opposed to a little nudity, and slowly embracing motherhood in my own weird and twisted way.
Pregnancy on the other hand, now that business is for the birds and the bees, pun fully intended.
Looking for more in your face, keeping it real, bun in the oven talk? I share my thoughts on the First Trimester here and my Pregnancy Confessions here.
Tell me one dark and twisty secret from your pregnancy. If you’ve never been pregnant, tell me one thing you gleaned from this post?
… crotch popsicle? Do I dare Google that? Eff it. I’m Googling… Okay that didn’t come up with anything overly interesting, but this –> “Dark figure shoots deadly popsicle from crotch” <– lol wtf? I think I've already told you a handful of times that I can't even deal with PMS very well, so the idea of it being 1000x worse in pregnancy just blows my mind. Not that much longer now… At least you're over the halfway mark? 🙂
Amanda @ .running with spoons. recently posted…chunky monkey cups
Haha awesome that you googled that Amanda, I may have never done it…haha I can’t handle PMS very well either, so that will be interesting!
Jayne recently posted…WIR #10 : Living and Learning…
Yep, baby is two thirds of the way baked. I can’t believe how quickly, yet slowly the entire process is going.
Meghan recently posted…The Second Trimester: What To Expect When You Weren’t Expecting To Be Expecting
Ha — bringing back my memories! lol I was obsessed with bagels and vegetable cream cheese as my second breakfast for a while when I was pregnant. I would pick it up on the way to work. So so good, especially when craving it.
meredith @ Cookie ChRUNicles recently posted…Maybe I Need New Running Shoes & Dinner Plan
And now I want vegetable cream cheese. 🙂
Meghan recently posted…The Second Trimester: What To Expect When You Weren’t Expecting To Be Expecting
Don’t kick me but you’re beautiful and I’m sure your farts are like fairy kisses and unicorn gas.
My hubby wanted nookie last night and my excuse was that my bowels may possibly explode, which may be messy. I count my bowel movements now and when I get one, my mood is that much better. And my boobs are off limits, and my large hello kitty flannel pants are perfectly sexy.
Puffy hearts in buttery bagel shapes
Danielle recently posted…Week in Review: My Best Friend’s Wedding
Yeah, the iron intake can really mess up your ability to drop a backdoor bomb. Eat lots of fiber. It’ll help.
Puffy hearts in bagel shapes right back atcha!
Meghan recently posted…The Second Trimester: What To Expect When You Weren’t Expecting To Be Expecting
I have so much to say. Crotch popsicles? I really enjoy the huge maxi pad that they soak in water and freeze, and tuck into the mesh underwear they give you at the hospital. When I was pregnant with Katie, the pressure of her made me poo in public. I had to whip down my pants in one of our subdivisions and lay a coily on someone’s front lawn. Sex was amazing though. Pregnant sex is AMAZING. Everything is all puffy and engorged and then the orgasms are HUGE. What else what else… have you seen the movie Juno? It’s my favourite pregnancy movie ever. Pork swords, dark nipples, it’s awesome.
Suzy recently posted…From Down Under
The only problem is I’m on “pelvic rest” and have been 90% of this pregnancy so no amazing pregnant sex for me. It’s a cruel twist of fate.
I did love Juno although I haven’t seen it in forever. I’ll have to go back and watch it now.
Meghan recently posted…The Second Trimester: What To Expect When You Weren’t Expecting To Be Expecting
Meghan,
After helping babies latch on to breasts with areolas the size of their faces, I was wondering how my little boobs would get there from here. It’s kind of amazing, actually.
Do you have bun warmers in your car (I’m thinking you do, though I wasn’t up there in winter so I don’t know why I’m thinking that). If you’ve experienced the ‘ah, bliss’ feeling of a bun warmer on a cold winter’s drive–that’s the same feeling when a cold pack is applied to nether regions that had experienced a work out. Though ‘crotch popsicle’ is a new one to me.
Kirsten recently posted…Mardi Gras Bread
We do have seat warmers in the one car and I do love those things so….good analogy. I can picture and feel it.
Meghan recently posted…The Second Trimester: What To Expect When You Weren’t Expecting To Be Expecting
Love your ability to be so transparent on here lady love love love it. Wow I have so much to look forward too is all I can say…. =)
Jayne recently posted…WIR #10 : Living and Learning…
But of course, and I’ll be here for you when you’re ready to have your own. 🙂
Meghan recently posted…The Second Trimester: What To Expect When You Weren’t Expecting To Be Expecting
So many memories! It’s amazing how similar we all are when pregnant. You’re actually making me sort of miss some of these crazy symptoms and changes. Pregnancy was the one time I actually gave myself a good honest break from holding anything together. As for the stuff pouring out of you, things will get way worse before they get better 🙂
Michele @ paleorunningmomma recently posted…Sweet Potato Bacon Burger Bites with Maple Chipotle {Paleo}
Oh goodie, I can hardly wait.
Meghan recently posted…The Second Trimester: What To Expect When You Weren’t Expecting To Be Expecting
AHHHAHA your vagina sounds like a death trap!! I DON’T EVER WANT TO BE PREGNANT!
Brittany recently posted…The Grotto
It’s definitely not for the faint of heart or even the very aware. 🙂
Meghan recently posted…Week in Review #16: The Picture Heavy Edition
Bahahahahahahaha dear lord my belly hurts from laughing.
Oh wait. I have no right saying that.
This was the most entertaining set of blog comments I have ever witnessed.
Cora recently posted…Friday Favorites: Lately Loves
The blog comments were very entertaining.
Meghan recently posted…Week in Review #16: The Picture Heavy Edition
Thank you so much for being so honest! It’s like I knew this was the case… But so many pregnant women just bypass the facts and make it seems like sunshine and roses….
Oh my god that Vachina baby gro is amazing! That would certainly be a good one for when the baby meets your relatives… Can just imagine their faces!
Jen @ Chase the Red Grape recently posted…Friday Favourites – Jan 29
The Girlfriend’s Guide to Pregnancy Book talks about all these things and then says women immediately forget them once they have the baby. It’s a coping mechanism and they only way they’d do it all over again. 🙂
Meghan recently posted…Week in Review #16: The Picture Heavy Edition
These Confession posts have made their way to being my favorite to read- they always give me a good chuckle! Never been pregnant but I love your honesty…thanks for giving us some idea what we can expect when the time comes! The Vachina onesie is hilarious- totally looking out for it when my sis has baby numero dos, especially given she actually does live in China—> it’s all kinds of fitting!!
Khushboo recently posted…IMPACT 6-Week Wellness Challenge
I couldn’t stop giggling at the Vachina onesie. You have to get one for your sister.
Meghan recently posted…Week in Review #16: The Picture Heavy Edition
…dun, dun, dun. I get such a kick out of this.
Oh gosh only one third left now! I hope you have all your sheets together already 😉 And I think as your body basically declared the state of emergency it’s only wise to quote the mad hatter in any situation of doubt.
But actually this post made me think… violent mood swings, weird cravings, at times no control over my body… I must be pregnant since at least 17 years!
Juli@1000lovelythings recently posted…Week in Review – The ‘one month in’ Edition
You’ll be a pro at being pregnant should you ever change your mind. Also, I can totally relate to being the only married peeps with no kids in their 30’s. We were that couple for a long time.
Meghan recently posted…Week in Review #16: The Picture Heavy Edition
Ah, memories. However, I don’t recall a crotch popsicle… oh god, don’t google that. Really, all you need are some Tucks pads, especially if you get the awesome hemorrhoids that so often come with pregnancy and labor. My lady bits will never be the same… ever. I had an episiotomy with my first and that really changed things, but thankfully I hear they don’t do those very often.
All the best! Pregnancy is such a bizarre thing.
Heather recently posted…Week In Review – Love a Lazy Week…end
Maybe Tucks pads are what they meant…. let’s hope so. Then again, let’s hope I don’t need them at all.
Meghan recently posted…Week in Review #16: The Picture Heavy Edition
OMGosh BEST pregnancy rendition EVER!!!!!!!!!!!!!
And memories…so many memories!
Thanks LJ. I appreciate that. I like to keep it real on here.
Meghan recently posted…Week in Review #16: The Picture Heavy Edition
Hahaha I loved this so much that I was snorting as I was loling. Clearly there’s a lot to pregnancy that I didn’t know about!
Also… what’s a crotch popsicle? :S
Chelsea A recently posted…Mediterranean Halloumi and Egg Toast
I’m still not entirely sure what a crotch popsicle is although based on the comments I think it’s really a frozen maxi pad applied to your nether regions to relieve pain, pressure….whatever the case may be, I’m still nervous about this apparatus.
Bahahahahahah I’m dying. Somehow after a surprise number one, I’m pregnant with a surprise number 2 (not a poop, a baby..) and this is just the best. Quick note of soft cheese – in a large portion of the US, it’s illegal to sell raw or unpasteurized cheese, aka what makes soft cheese and feta off limits. So you’re probably good for the most part.
Confessions: I only rubbed my stomach to tell people I wasn’t fat, I was pregnant.
I have blamed an inordinate amount of things on hormones this time around.
I have told people I didn’t like that their perfume or cologne was making me sick (when it wasn’t) so that they would leave me alone. Oops.
Morgan @ Morgan Manages Mommyhood recently posted…On Feeling Old When You’re Not
I need to remember that: blame it all on the hormones. Pesky little buggers, those things. 🙂
Meghan recently posted…Week in Review #16: The Picture Heavy Edition
That was frank and open and honest. Thank you for sharing every part of pregnancy Meghan… It keeps it real.
Emiyl recently posted…Recovery: A Second Chance at Life
You’re welcome.
Meghan recently posted…Week in Review #16: The Picture Heavy Edition
I read through all the comments hoping someone had googled crotch popsicle for me…I still don’t think I’m brave enough to go look for myself. That being said I giggled my way through this whole post and now I think I’m scared for life. Also I’m pretty sure I never want kids, or maybe I can convince Zach we should just go ahead and adopt 😮
Sarah recently posted…The problem with setting a budget
Adoption sounds like a fantastic idea to me right about now.
Meghan recently posted…Week in Review #16: The Picture Heavy Edition
Horrible pregnancy secret? I wore depends in my last month. I got so tired of peeing a teaspoon every 20 minutes that I wore whoops I shit my pants. I might not have tried it if my friends and I did not go to New York City for a last minute girls trip. As you know there are not a lot of public restrooms available on fifth Avenue. I can now say that I peed in an elevator with my sister and a professional football player who shall remain nameless.
– Biggest waste of money… Baby wipe warmers. First time precious gets a cold wipe in a target she will be surprised!
– you have to tell people no pink, even then you will be swimming in it!
– pick a theme no one can find. I picked Calvin & Hobbes. Kept me away from all the froufrou yuck!
– go swimming, it was the only time my ankles looked normal.
You’re confession made my day.
Yep, I stayed away from those baby warmer wipes. Alice in Wonderland should be cryptic enough, yes?
Cats and Rabbits… Yea, should be. Although you may just end up with some Cheshire Cat tripy stuff. I wonder if they make a humidifier like a smoking catapiller? That would be cool. Are your shower cookies going to say eat me and drink me???
One of my reps gave me a baby launcher gun. It shot tiny babies across the room. So awesome!
We’re All Mad Here!!!
This baby has no chance growing up in a drug induced, trippy, Alice in Wonderland type room. Oh well, she’ll take after her momma then. 🙂
That’s a genius idea about the shower cookies. 🙂
Meghan recently posted…Week in Review #16: The Picture Heavy Edition
You guys must read this when she turns 18. Imagine the laughs.
Lucie@FitSwissChick recently posted…Love heals.
I think I’ll wait until she’s actually pregnant and I hope to god she’s older than 18 when it happens. 🙂
Meghan recently posted…Week in Review #16: The Picture Heavy Edition