This is the time of year where gardens everywhere are exploding with phallic fruit, also known as cucumbers.
It’s a good thing something phallic is exploding these days.
Truth be told, I’ve dipped my toe back in the proverbial procreation pond since pushing out a tiny human, although I have no intention of birthing another. Full disclosure: despite my lascivious ways (I did get knocked up after all), there was a lot of trepidation, on my part, with that first post-labor coupling. I uttered the phrase “you’re not coming near me with that thing” often.
For those of you not in the know, let me break it down for you.
After excreting a small child from your nether regions, you are sent home from the hospital with what seems like a lifetime supply of giant mesh panties, pads the size of adult diapers and disposable ice packs for your female tenders. Your bounteous stash only lasts five days.
In addition to the three new layers encompassing your hoohah, forcing you to waddle with each and every step, you’re sent on your merry way with a water bottle and instructions to hose yourself down after each trip to the loo. We can’t forget about the numbing spray or the antibacterial ointment either, which you vacillate between using, even though the former is your favorite for obvious reasons. This is one case where no feeling wins.
And they call this the miracle of life. I call it a recipe for never wanting to engage in monkey loving ever again. Aside from the consequences (Hi Ave; love you!), your cooter feels broken beyond repair.
You know what though, time does heal all wounds. Also, hormones, a healthy does of Zoloft, and a thankfully persistent Hubby, helps. So yes, I have rejoined the monkey loving community. The Republic of Labia is back open for business, and I couldn’t be happier. I have invested in some condoms though.
What does any of this have to do with a Cucumber Tomato Salad. Nothing really. I felt like things were getting a little boring on the blog, so I decided to sex it up; quite literally and metaphorically. I mean c’mon, have you seen this salad?
Cucumbers the size of you know what, plump juicy tomatoes bursting with flavor, salty feta cheese, and ballsy garbanzo beans all come together to make this salad the complete package, and yes, I do mean it like that.
Bon appetite.
- 1 Cucumber, cut into chunks
- 1/2 pint, Cherry Tomatoes, halved
- 1/3 to 1/2 cup Feta cheese
- 1/2 cup Chickpeas, rinsed and drained
- 1 Tbsp. Olive Oil
- 1 tsp. Balsamic Vinegar
- 1/2 Tbsp., fresh Basil leaves, cut into ribbons
- Salt and Pepper, to taste
- Add all ingredients to a medium sized bowl. Stir to combine. Let sit for 20 minutes before eating, so the juices can work their magic and the flavors mingle.
- *Total time takes into account waiting time of 20 minutes.
Were you nervous about that first post labor coupling? Did I just horrify you?
So now I’m even more hesitant about babies…hahaha. I do appreciate the honesty though! I’ll stick to keeping our family the zoo it is (5 cats, 2 dogs, a 34 year old Man Baby {in addition to the 31 Man Baby I call my husband}, fish, snakes, etc…) for now.
There’s nothing wrong with a zoo, although I wouldn’t trade Ave back in, even with the down there consequences, if that helps. 🙂
Meghan recently posted…Cucumber Tomato Salad with Feta and Chickpeas
Ok I’m delighted to read about your post baby coupling. Of course it goes with a recipe for cucumber salad!
After a billion hours of labor, induction and the doc breaking my waters with no luck, and finally a c section, I honestly thought to myself the husband can go fuck himself. Literally. But like you said time heals and in my case wine helps, so I finally decided a kiss and back rub would not offend my precious lady parts. Before that I was throwing the get away demon vibes, but luckily my tiny attempts at intimacy made a big difference.
And if I made him this salad AND rubbed his feet… Whoa I think he might explode. Literally
Danielle recently posted…WIR – baby room & catching up
The get away demon vibes…Ha, I love it. We need to protect our lady bits for a while. Imagine if they went through anything even like labor with their precious packages…they’d all have PTSD. 🙂
Meghan recently posted…Cucumber Tomato Salad with Feta and Chickpeas
THE REPUBLIC OF LABIA!!!!?!??! BAHAHAHAHAAAAAAAA!!!!!!!!! K, that was fricking funny. I don’t remember the first times after having each kid, probably because I was drunk and traumatized. I highly recommend first crossing the tender labia border with a shower nozzle as a way of easing across the country without too much carnage.
Suzy recently posted…Twins
I thought you might get a kick out of this post.
Meghan recently posted…Cucumber Tomato Salad with Feta and Chickpeas
Cooter? Did you REALLY just say cooter??? I love you even more.
Can you not take the pill? Have we talked about this before? I have a terrible memory – in my defense, keeping up with our Swiss friend’s sex life is a full time job. (HI LUCE!!!)
Laura @ Sprint 2 the Table recently posted…Leg Day Fuel {WIAW}
I totally said cooter. Just for you.
It is a struggle keeping up with Lucie. That’s what makes her such fun, and physically I could take the pill. I just don’t want to swallow a bunch of hormones. I did that for too many years, although clearly my backup approach didn’t work so well.
Meghan recently posted…Cucumber Tomato Salad with Feta and Chickpeas
Glad you are back on the saddle again! I am never having kids, so I hope to avoid the particular hell you described.
I now hear Aerosmith’s “Back in the Saddle” humming in my head! 🙂
It was definitely an eye opening experience, one I do not wish to relive. Thankfully I read Girlfriend’s Guide to Pregnancy so I had some idea what to expect. Shudder.
Meghan recently posted…Cucumber Tomato Salad with Feta and Chickpeas
The republic of labia. I’m dead! 😀
Kate recently posted…Top 3 Friday #20
I have Urban Dictionary to thank for that one. 🙂
Meghan recently posted…Cucumber Tomato Salad with Feta and Chickpeas
Ha ha, thanks for the laughs! My husband was adamant that we not risk having anymore children and opted for the big ole V. On the plus side, kids have this natural instinct where they just know you’re going to do some monkey lovin’ and they will interrupt at the worst moments making it even harder to actually conceive future siblings. 😉
Heather Shoberg recently posted…Currently!
I wish my Hubby would go that route. It’d be so much easier since I don’t want to ingest hormones.
Ave had already starting to hone her monkey loving radar. The last time we attempted it she of course woke up, right on cue.
Meghan recently posted…Cucumber Tomato Salad with Feta and Chickpeas
The republic of labia. hahahahaha. i die….. 🙂
I have Urban Dictionary to thank for that one. Go there, type in vagina and you will be schooled. 🙂
Meghan recently posted…Cucumber Tomato Salad with Feta and Chickpeas
Haha this made me laugh… And then slightly worry. God I’m so glad that someone out there is telling the truth about these kind of things. But I’m glad your back to the funzies 🙂
This salad looks delicious! I would add beets to it as well for sure!
Jen @ Chase the Red Grape recently posted…5 traits I am drawn to in others #5TTT
You know me, I gotta keep it real. Besides I wish someone had told me this. Thankfully I read Girlfriends Guide to Pregnancy so I had some idea what to expect.
Meghan recently posted…Cucumber Tomato Salad with Feta and Chickpeas
OK – this looks delish! Thanks for sharing 🙂
You’re welcome.
I died at that second line, and it just kept getting better from there! I’m glad you slowly made your way back into the pool of love, you deserve nothing less. This salad looks great, I too am indulging in cucumbers like nobodies business.
Brittany recently posted…The Birth of a New B
It’s all about those phallic veggies these days. 🙂
Meghan recently posted…Cucumber Tomato Salad with Feta and Chickpeas
Phallic fruit/veg party. Like for reals. I’ll bring oysters as the aphrodisiac to enhance the mood. the complete package. 😉 you’re funny
You bring the oysters, I’ll provide the cheese. It’s not an aphrodisiac but it certainly makes me weak in the knees. 🙂
You never cease to crack me up, Meghan! I’m glad you’re getting to enjoy that side of married life again 😉 — not just the cooking, cleaning, baby mama side. Your disclosure on the blog is very…shall we say, ballsy?
Also, this salad is low-FODMAP! You have no idea how excited that makes me. Maybe I’ll make it for my birthday party on Monday.
Joyce @ The Hungry Caterpillar recently posted…Low-FODMAP Mile-High Ratatouille Pie
Well I’m thrilled I managed to put out a low fodmap recipe you can enjoy. I think you should have someone else make it for your party. After all, your the guest of honor. 🙂
Meghan recently posted…Cucumber Tomato Salad with Feta and Chickpeas
Soooo maybe I’ll just stick to dogs :0 though I do appreciate your fresh and funny dose of honesty… and another idea on how to embrace my abundance of cucumbers.
Sarah recently posted…Budget Bites: July 2016
Cucumber slices are great in water too. Very refreshing.
Meghan recently posted…Cucumber Tomato Salad with Feta and Chickpeas
😆 😆 So there was already a pretty low chance that I was going to have kids, but after following you on your pregnancy journey, I think I just went from “maybe” to “no way in hell.” Thank god for honest friends <3 And I could really go for this salad right now. It's been a while since I've seen a veggie 🙁
Amanda @ .running with spoons. recently posted…banana burglars, seahorses, & IG stories (ToL#195)
You need to get the fajita veggies on your chipotle bowls. They’re my favorite part. 🙂