This is the time of year where gardens everywhere are exploding with phallic fruit, also known as cucumbers.
It’s a good thing something phallic is exploding these days.
Truth be told, I’ve dipped my toe back in the proverbial procreation pond since pushing out a tiny human, although I have no intention of birthing another. Full disclosure: despite my lascivious ways (I did get knocked up after all), there was a lot of trepidation, on my part, with that first post-labor coupling. I uttered the phrase “you’re not coming near me with that thing” often.
For those of you not in the know, let me break it down for you.
After excreting a small child from your nether regions, you are sent home from the hospital with what seems like a lifetime supply of giant mesh panties, pads the size of adult diapers and disposable ice packs for your female tenders. Your bounteous stash only lasts five days.
In addition to the three new layers encompassing your hoohah, forcing you to waddle with each and every step, you’re sent on your merry way with a water bottle and instructions to hose yourself down after each trip to the loo. We can’t forget about the numbing spray or the antibacterial ointment either, which you vacillate between using, even though the former is your favorite for obvious reasons. This is one case where no feeling wins.
And they call this the miracle of life. I call it a recipe for never wanting to engage in monkey loving ever again. Aside from the consequences (Hi Ave; love you!), your cooter feels broken beyond repair.
You know what though, time does heal all wounds. Also, hormones, a healthy does of Zoloft, and a thankfully persistent Hubby, helps. So yes, I have rejoined the monkey loving community. The Republic of Labia is back open for business, and I couldn’t be happier. I have invested in some condoms though.
What does any of this have to do with a Cucumber Tomato Salad. Nothing really. I felt like things were getting a little boring on the blog, so I decided to sex it up; quite literally and metaphorically. I mean c’mon, have you seen this salad?
Cucumbers the size of you know what, plump juicy tomatoes bursting with flavor, salty feta cheese, and ballsy garbanzo beans all come together to make this salad the complete package, and yes, I do mean it like that.
- 1 Cucumber, cut into chunks
- 1/2 pint, Cherry Tomatoes, halved
- 1/3 to 1/2 cup Feta cheese
- 1/2 cup Chickpeas, rinsed and drained
- 1 Tbsp. Olive Oil
- 1 tsp. Balsamic Vinegar
- 1/2 Tbsp., fresh Basil leaves, cut into ribbons
- Salt and Pepper, to taste
- Add all ingredients to a medium sized bowl. Stir to combine. Let sit for 20 minutes before eating, so the juices can work their magic and the flavors mingle.
- *Total time takes into account waiting time of 20 minutes.
Were you nervous about that first post labor coupling? Did I just horrify you?