So I did something crazy.
No I didn’t get any more tattoos or pierce my nipples yet again. Ha, I’m totally kidding about that second one. While I like some bedroom (or kitchen or dining room table) foreplay, the idea of driving a fourteen gage needle through such a sensitive area makes me cringe even worse than discovering the dead chipmunk indoors, on my rug, earlier this week.
The crazy thing I did was sign up for this weekend long blogging retreat everybody is going on about. I don’t know; maybe you’ve heard of it. It’s called Blend which stands for Blogger + Friend. Yeah, I know. Yet another thing which makes me cringe; a little less than the nipple action, but cringe worthy nonetheless.
Aside from the cornball name (watch me get banned from the conference now), it sounds like it could be a really great time. There’s a huge potential for me to meet some very cool and like-minded (i.e. food obsessed) people, assuming of course they’re not all homicidal white fifty-seven year males posing as food bloggers on the internet. I have my doubts, especially about Heather. I know I met her that one time, but I have concerns. She had to leave early, under suspicious circumstances. I’m pretty sure the Po-Po was on her tail, and she needed to flee the city, fast.
So in case there were any similar thoughts about me, I’d thought I’d clear the air; Out Loud, and share some never known facts about little old me; aside from the small detail I’m a fifty-seven year old male posing as a food blogger.
- I’m slightly shy, until I feel really comfortable around you, at which point, ♫ Watch out now. ♫ Sorry, I had to slip a little Beatnuts in there.
- Despite my penchant for singing, it’s likely I won’t be doing any of it. It takes months of me knowing you before I’ll just belt it out. Either that or a really strong cocktail and when it comes to those, two is about my limit; I’m little, which means I’m a cheap date.
- I’m a hot and red faced sweaty mess when I work out. Since fitness classes are a part of this retreat, you’re going to see this side of me. Brace yourselves.
#sweatybitchesrock #noshameinmygame #vanillagorilla
- I cheat on my squats and lunges, and I will continue to do so, even if you try to correct my form.
- I don’t have six-pack abs. I don’t even have a two pack and my thighs touch. Despite those things or maybe because of them, I’m in great shape and incredibly healthy. Since I just got the results of my annual physical, blood work and all, I get to say that. My doctor said my kidneys were comparable to that of a small child. It’s probably all those beet juice mimosas I drink.
- I’m a bookworm at heart. Every night, I fall asleep with my Kindle still in my clutches, generally in mid-sentence and with my little Kindle light still on.
- I’ve been known to hiss when I want to express displeasure. It’s possible, albeit only slightly, I’ve been living with felines for too long.
- Sometimes I sleep with my foot next to my head. I’m not sure how the logistics work, but it happens.
- You should probably let me have my morning coffee before attempting conversation with me.
- Speaking of conversation, I’m not one for small talk so let’s just get right to the heart of the matter. I also prefer direct and decisive communication whenever possible.
- If you want me to last past 10 o’clock on any given night, chances are I’ll need a nap during the day.
- I can sleep through almost anything, and sometimes I do it with my eyes open while muttering, because that’s not at all creepy.
- Even though I’m a sound sleeper, I can’t make it through the night without using the bathroom at least once, and that’s on a good night.
- I really do appreciate order and precision in my general surroundings. If you want to live out of your suitcase that’s cool with me, just make sure it doesn’t assault mine. For my part, I promise, despite a desperate desire to do so, not to organize your stuff.
- I’m a fixer. If you want to tell me your problems, that’s all well and good. I will be genuinely nice and understanding, but I’m also going to give you solutions to correct them. Sometimes that’s great and sometimes people don’t actually want resolutions.
- Even though I joke about the size of my inflamed ego all the time, it will be able to fit into any room just fine.
- According to the Hubby, I’m a big old softie underneath my tough exterior. I say Bullshit to that; ain’t nothing soft about me, except that tiny and cute patch on my inner thigh. I call her Duchess, and I just made that up.
- If you need support, I’m your girl. I’m incredibly loyal and will have your back, always, even when you do stupid shit. Plus, you want me on your side in a fight. I may be an advocate for non-violence and think guns are overrated, but I’ve got a mean right hook and because I’m little, they never see it coming.
Yep, it’s safe to say we’re going to have a blast. Now who’s coming with me?
Are you going to Blend? Am I crazy for doing this? Tell me something, anything, that people don’t already know about you. Bonus points if it makes me laugh.