We all know kids are a game changer, even those who haven’t walked the plank yet.
The tiny humans are adorable, lovable, and perhaps the best thing to happen to parents, aside from the actual act of procreation that is, but they also come with a boatload of baggage: sleepless nights, dirty diapers, and a complete and utter lack of personal space, much less privacy, to name just a few. Babies are work.
These are the common complaints parents utter about their own little people, but there is a whole host of other things no one tells you about, a seedy underbelly if you will. Maybe because it would have Republicans reaching for birth control and Democrats calling for abstinence. Either way, it would certainly have people thinking twice about breeding.
Well guess what? I’m here to blow the lid on that shit.
Things No One Tells You About Parenting
The Toddler Years
They eat all your food. Seriously, you can’t chew a single morsel in front of them, unless you’re prepared to share. If that wasn’t bad enough, sometimes they spit a regurgitated wad of whatever you shared, back into your awaiting hand because they didn’t like the texture, the taste, the sensation, the whatever.
(Do these look like kids ready to share their snacks? Yeah….no. )
Toddlers are not reasonable nor rationale creatures, and there is no arguing with one. I mean you can try, but it’s a battle you won’t win and you’ll be left feeling slightly queasy, completely bewildered, and wondering if the Earth really is flat. I have learned this lesson many times over.
You become an addict; for coffee and there’s no twelve step meetings for this habit. Even if there was, you’re not giving up those tasty caffeinated cups for anything.
Picking lint from between their toes while they sit on the potty seat, attempting to do a little backdoor business, is par for the course, a daily activity even. Also, we call it lint, but we all know it’s toe jam.
You get bonus points for making it educational, by identifying the lint color and counting how many pieces you find.
Speaking of disgusting habits, they have no regard for bodily fluids, etiquette, or common human decency. They will burp, cough, and sneeze, sometimes all three at once, directly into your face and unfortunately open mouth. Been there, done that.
You can’t decide whether you’re living with a pterodactyl or a honey badger.
They will tell anyone and everyone who will listen, they have a “‘gina” and “mommy has a ‘gina too.”
You will find yourself uttering nonsensical sentences. For example, “please take the plant fertilizer out of your mouth. No, it’s not corn. I promise. It’s not corn. No, NOT CORN.” (See note above about arguing with a toddler.)
They will call you out for “butt bubbles,” so proceed with caution and preferably in the privacy of your own home, unless you want the nearest person in public to know you ate Brussels sprouts for lunch.
You will retrieve rubber ducks from a toilet filled with feces, not because you’re concerned about the duck or your wailing wee one in the background, but because you know what that floatie toy will do to your plumbing, and while they don’t care about the cost of living, you still do.
Also, your child is crying because you removed the duck she so delicately and deliberately placed in the potty. How dare you?
They will happily dismantle everything in your home in mere minutes. More shocking, sometimes you let them because these are the only moments you have to yourself that day.
(source)
I could go on all day, but my kid just destroyed the living room and my coffee cup could desperately use a refill.
What did I miss? What other random things to toddlers do that nobody warned you about?
so many great nuggets of love! the duck in the toilet is amazing. my favorite (not) thing is when she decides to touch her bottom while i’m changing one of her mega poop’s or decides she wants to see what it feels like… my latest giggle was when i heard mr. smith speaking to her – he was changing into his pj’s and the tiny one apparently followed him, and suddenly i heard mr. smith say, “no lulu no, don’t grab that! that’s daddy’s and you can’t touch that. ever!” i couldn’t help it but i cracked up. she also is obsessed with tummies and will lift up my shirt ANYWHERE and ANYTIME to say hi tummy! hi tummy! at least she does it to herself and mr. smith as well so i’m not alone. oh what fun 🙂
They are such a trip aren’t they. Ave asked if daddy had a ‘gina too, and I said no, he has a penis and then she asked to see it. He politely declined. Ha!!
Meghan recently posted…Things No One Tells You About Having Kids: The Toddler Years
“dat chawkwat fmell on u breff?” Open up mama, I got to see what u got!” “I fmell chawkwat? DO I?” As my son tried to pry my mouth open sniffing my breath. Hershey, because there was wasn’t a lot of great specialty chocolate! This, as I emerge from the LOCKED bathroom…yes, I left my unsupervised 2yr old in front of Sesame Street so I eat a Hershey bar. It was the 1977 and, everyone did that then, in moment of desperation. And we shared our secret because we knew we wouldn’t be turned into the department of childrens services, most of my neighborhood would have been motherless, LoL.
Honestly, all you have said is true, and there is no point in scaring you abut the future. I know this sounds crazy, but you haven’t had her long enough to become fully attached. That is why you don’t get to know all of the things yet. Plus, she’s young enough to forget you if knew about the adolescent broken limbs, illnesses, meanness she will learn at the most carefully chosen preschool, and how heart wrenching letting go it all is!
Let alone pre-teen truths, the hormonal pubescent hell. You could decid to send her to the curb now! So no, it’s best you stay in the dark! Sorry, it is for the best, and those happy, sparkly minutes, hours, days, even weeks! Yes, I said even weeks! The bigger they grow, the better the rewards! And that is where I’m going to leave ya!
I like rewards so this is a good ending.
The things Ave does these days has me wrinkling my nose and cracking up at the same time. It’s difficult at times, but she’s such a trip and I’m already slightly (a lot) obsessed with her.
Also I totally sneak chocolate in their other room while she watches Elmo. It’s a necessity.
Meghan recently posted…Things No One Tells You About Having Kids: The Toddler Years
Oh the life of a toddler. If only we could go back there… maybe we could make it a holiday. Everyone live like a toddler day.
Cora recently posted…How Do You Have a Relationship AND Go After Your Dream (Thinking Out Loud)
The best part is how excited they get for little things, no matter how many times they see them. Case in point, Ave is in love with bubbles. Ahhh, the little joys in life.
Meghan recently posted…Things No One Tells You About Having Kids: The Toddler Years
Lol on the no-to-snack-sharing photo! I’m pretty sure I have that expression on my face when my husband wants to share something on my plate I’m really enjoying. As the mama to a just turned 2 toddler/honey badger myself, I definitely relate to a lot of this. I used to be a slow eater, really enjoying and savoring my food. Now? Food is shoveled in much faster if I want to get any!
I don’t even know what it’s like to savor my food these days. If I’m not shoveling it in because she’ll want it, I’m shoveling it in because I’m starving and it’s been hours. 🙂
Meghan recently posted…Things No One Tells You About Having Kids: The Toddler Years
The “gina” reminded me of my daughter’s attempt to say “vulva”…somehow it came out “gopher”…she would sidle up to guests (or strangers) and cheerfully share the news that she had a gopher. People actually thought maybe I had bought the kids a pet…
Well I suppose it could be considered a pet… 🙂
Meghan recently posted…Things No One Tells You About Having Kids: The Toddler Years
toddlers are also super blunt. man, i wish I was back in those years. the disgusting habits sounds freeing. 😉
Kuddos to you mama! I bow are your feet cause motherhood still scares the SH*t out of me.
You would make an excellent mother. Any child would be lucky to have you as a parent.
Meghan recently posted…Week in Review: Are You Gonna Eat That (#121)
I am dying laughing. She’s telling people about her ‘gina??? HAHAHAHA!!!!
My hair dresser’s kid told her she should wear makeup because it makes her look prettier. Get ready for 6-year-old Ave!
I’m pretty sure the make up thing will be next since she watches me put my mascara on each day. She sits right on the bathroom counter and inspects my handiwork.
Meghan recently posted…Week in Review: Are You Gonna Eat That (#121)
I think that inability to be able to reason with them is exactly why I could deal with a child aged 5+ but not younger. Heck not being able to reason with fully grown adults makes me want to pull my hair out!
You’re a rock star 🙂
Jen @ Chase the Red Grape recently posted…Week in Review
Toddlers definitely make you want to pull your hair out and suppress huge guffaws of laughter almost simultaneously.
Meghan recently posted…Week in Review: Are You Gonna Eat That (#121)
Meghan, thanks for the article post.Really thank you! Great.