Since announcing our big news, the growing a tiny human that is, I’ve discovered people like to share all kinds of advice with newly expectant mothers.
The input has been much appreciated and most welcome, although there has been a few zingers along the way. For example, which names are completely off limits (this within three minutes of telling them I was expecting) and why it’s time for me to move into a swankier school district. Insert eye roll here.
The one I hear the most though is I need to tone down my colorful verbosity. Granted, they stick to simpler phrases such as ‘stop swearing,’ or ‘your potty mouth has to go,’ but the underlying message is always the same. My reaction, of course, is to respond with a litany of profanity that would make Clark Griswold blush. Telling me I can’t do something usually isn’t a good idea.
Setting aside the studies, the ones which show a curse word here or there can actually put your audience at ease, I don’t plan on making the baby’s first word a foul mouthed one. Banana has a nice ring to it though.
You see somehow, despite my sailor made mouth, I’ve managed to do quite well in my personal and professional life. I’ve even been trusted around puppies and old people, so in response to those well meaning intentions, I thought I’d share some confessions today, Out Loud and Obscenity Free. Thanks for hosting Spoons.
- I pee with the door open when the Hubby’s not home. It feels like freedom.
- Bra Burn is the dark side of exercise no one talks about. It’s the equivalent of rug burn on your knees, without the happy release.
- I know all the words to Snoop’s Lodi Dodi and will occasionally bust out a rendition for specific company.
- Which is why I can relate a little too well to this.
- Since we’re talking tunes, when I was on a mad monkey loving ban, George Michael music made my loins ache.
- Good lord, the sex dreams…
- Oh and I ate bacon twice this month. I have no regrets.
- I was unable to say the word ‘baby’ the entire first and part of the second trimester, so I called the tiny human a Tomato. I made the Hubby and all our family do the same. I love them for indulging me.
- This past week, I’ve had to apologize to someone on a near daily basis. Hormones are a real son of an itch, not to be confused with their equally scandalous mother.
- I ate this entire Winter Pear Salad even though I’m not supposed to consume soft cheese. Sue me. If I lived in France, I’d be dancing on tables of Brie while popping back with a bottle (or at least a glass) of bubbly every now and again.
- I’m fascinated by the ever increasing size and weight of my chest, so much so, I decided to weigh them because that’s totally normal: seven pounds and counting. I’m curious to see what they top out at. I promise to keep you apprised.
- I sniff the Hubby’s beer bottles… sometimes at six in the morning when he leaves the empties on the counter. They smell so good.
- Despite my recent obsession with booze, I swear I’m not an alcoholic. Just pregnant.
Your turn. Do you have something you want to get off your weighty chest? Feel free to confess away. You’re in a safe zone here.
Maybe you should just start rappin. Swear words seem a little more accepted when it’s in the form of music. Or you should move to Europe instead. Swearing does not quite make you a Lady here but it’s much less of a big deal. Also don’t stop! Because it’s good for your health. There’s scientific evidence for this! And I love it 🙂
I always pee with the door open when the hubby is home or not. He’s seen me in even less graceful moments than peeing so it seems kinda weird to be shy about it. I also think that’s not a big deal amongst Europeans in general. I’ve weighed my boobs too a few years back. With my hubby’s help. We have both been curious 😀
You would make a fantastic European 😉
Juli @1000lovelythings recently posted…10 Things I prefer over Christmas Cookies
I could also go the beaches topless and it would be no big deal.
Hello Europe. Ex patriot here I come.
Meghan recently posted…Confessions Out Loud
That advice gets even worse once the baby (or tomato) comes out. And on the rare occasion a swear word comes out of my mouth, my family thinks I’ve completely lost control. Moms don’t get a ton of leeway 😉
Michele @ paleorunningmomma recently posted…Big Soft Paleo Chocolate Chunk Cookies {Nut Free Option}
Gulp. 🙂
Meghan recently posted…Confessions Out Loud
My god, I wish I had a weighty chest. I watched the video of you and DAYMN girl!
This was a delightful post – without sounding wretched, you are one of the easiest healthy living bloggers transitioning to baby talk that to deal with. The honesty is hilarious. You are amazing.
Thanks Jessica, that means a lot. I’m not really your standard baby person and despite my shall we say, circumstances, I gotta be me. It tickles me pink to know it’s still appreciated.
Meghan recently posted…Confessions Out Loud
Meg,
First of all, the kitten heels would get stuck in a table of Brie. Perhaps move the Brie to a different table before climbing up to dance, or kick it off with reckless abandon though that’s a waste of Brie IMHO.
Second of all, I’m not 100% sure what kitten heels are, only that I don’t have them.
I love that you weighed your boobs. I saw my uterus–during my C/S, mind you, not anything weird. I weigh pumpkins.
As far as peeing with the door open–you will soon enter a phase where you don’t pee alone. Then it stops, then you get dogs who think it is their job to accompany you everywhere in the house and you don’t pee alone again.
Have a lovely weekend, and pay no attention to the margarita below.
Kirsten recently posted…Fresh Grapefruit Pomegranate Margarita
Maybe I’ll just roll around in the Brie with wild abandon.
I’ve already entered the don’t pee alone phase, at least when Oscar is around and indoors. The same goes for bathtubs. Sometimes he sits on the edge of the tub or sleeps on my towel, rendering it useless.
Meghan recently posted…Confessions Out Loud
Living alone, my bathroom door is never closed. Its a real struggle to actually remember to close it when company is over and I have to pee. Such an unneeded hassle. You are going to be a kick ass mom because you are so real, and if a child is brought up hearing a few “bad words” from time to time, they’ll just go less crazy in the teen phase when all the other kids want to “rebel” and curse all over the place. You and your little “tomato” are going to have some wonderful late nights spent gossiping about all those other mamas. You are just the best.
mylittletablespoon recently posted…Me. My Dream. And a confession.
Aw thanks my dear. What a lovely comment.
Meghan recently posted…Confessions Out Loud
Hmm, my parents swore and I turned out alright (more or less). I have actually only ever heard them drop an f-bomb once each, on separate and very angry occasions. I like that they saved it up for the right time.
I imagine the advice will only keep coming, but don’t worry, you’re safe from me. I got nothin’!
My mother swore too, which might be where it comes from, although we were never allowed to say “Shut Up.” That was the devil phrase in our house because it was a sign of disrespect. To this day, I have trouble hearing people say it. 🙂
Meghan recently posted…Confessions Out Loud
Awe, the bra burn looks so owie! How on earth did you weigh just your boobs? Did you like, get down like a snake on the floor and hoist each knocker up onto the scale? I’m obsessed with George Michael too. Father Figure is zee zexiest everrrr.
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The weighing the boobs thing is very technical and requires multiple steps.
1. You get on the scale naked. You note your weight.
2. You grab your partner in crime.
3. Then you stand on the scale, naked again and your PIC stands behind you and holds up your boobs. You note the new weight.
4. Subtract the second weight from the first weight and viola: boobage.
Meghan recently posted…Confessions Out Loud
oh girl, crazy dreams are my specialty. last night was a real gem: i was sharing a house with some random chick, we were both in our 20’s. i think i was actually someone else. the house was OLD and nothing was updated, but it was cute. vintage. the bedroom i was taking had horrible old yellow wall paper with pink flowers. and i had about 100 vintage dresses (all cute) hanging up on yarn along the walls. the whole walls were covered in my gorgeous vintage gowns.
but then i saw a roach. OH NO! i hate roaches. this roach looked weird, it was blueish and gray, and looked old like it was an old-man-roach. i went to find something to kill it, but didn’t want to use my vintage shoes. so i found a bottle of soap. and pumped a glob of soap on it. it didn’t die, so i took some tissue and smashed it. suddenly it burst open and a bunch of flying brown bunny rabbits flew out of it!!!! my whole room was amass in flying brown bunny rabbits. i woke up laughing and confused. my take away from my dream: don’t fear the roaches – they are bunny rabbits in disguise. or maybe don’t judge, same thing.
i always pee with the door open when hubby’s not at home. i also take his socks and wear them without asking. i’m the laundress so i figure i can wear and wash what the heck i want. i purposely made brussel sprouts with no seasoning last night hoping he would not eat them, then i added a bunch of yummy spice after he went to go eat pizza and ate them. i didn’t want to share any of my sprouts… he managed to grab 3 of them but i permitted it.
That is one impressive dream. I’d love to get a look at those dresses. 🙂
Meghan recently posted…Confessions Out Loud
My friend got so annoyed when she was pregnant not by friends and family advice, but random strangers who felt free to stop her in the street or at a restaurant and comment on what she was doing or wearing or eating!
Alyssa @ renaissancerunnergirl recently posted…Blogger Secret Santa
I haven’t had any random strangers give me advice yet, but I’ll be on the lookout for it now. 🙂
Meghan recently posted…Confessions Out Loud
The best pregnancy advice I ever got was…don’t listen to anyone’s unsolicited pregnancy advice. Ha! Done! I swear like a sailor and like you, I’ve been trusted with old folks and puppies. I *try* to hold back when my 8 year old daughter is in earshot but sometimes…meh. She just calls me out on it and we move on. I tell her she’ll hear A LOT shit, oops, crap in her lifetime. Doesn’t mean she has to repeat it.
I love this advice. Thanks for sharing!! 🙂 🙂
Meghan recently posted…Confessions Out Loud
Bra burn- have it. Hate it.
The crazy advice comes on an even more rampant basis once the tiny human has arrived! The worst offenders are random old lady’s.
Jen@jpabstfitness recently posted…Fit Friday
I shall keep my eye out for those old ladies. 😉
Meghan recently posted…Confessions Out Loud
I confess: I pee with the door open even when the hubby IS home. 🙂 haha. yeaaaahhh, we’re an open kind of family. 🙂
Sometimes I pee with the door open when the Hubby is home and on a different floor. Those are risky pees though. 🙂
Meghan recently posted…Confessions Out Loud
To hell with the people that are telling you to watch your mouth, it’s not like you’re going to speak to the tomato in “fucks” for fuck sake! I’m still calling it a tomato, I will do so until you ask me to call it a baby. Or something other than “it.” SEVEN POUNDS!? You poor beautiful soul…I hope hubby rubs your shoulders DAILY. Which can lead to monkey love of course.
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My posture is pitiful. 🙂
Meghan recently posted…Confessions Out Loud
Bahahaha I love this post. I totally do the peeing with the door open thing when John’s not home too!
Also, pretty sure I will give into temptations to eat soft cheese when I’m pregnant too. 9 months without Brie sounds like even worse torture than 9 months without wine!
Chelsea A recently posted…What I Ate Wednesday: Dietitian Edition 3
No brie, blue, camembert, feta, goat, and the list goes on and on. It’s madness I tell you.
Meghan recently posted…Confessions Out Loud
I wish I’d weighed my boobs when pregnant. Just wait till you have the “tomato” and your milk comes in. Holy $&@%. I used to sniff (and take sips of…a sip wouldn’t hurt) my husband’s beers, too. And as long as the cheese is pasteurized, you’re fine. I ate a runny egg yolk (by accident) while pregnant and my little man is ok. 🙂
Catherine @ foodiecology recently posted…10 Things That Come Out of My “Mom Mouth” On Any Given Day
I’ll definitely weight them then too. It’s crazy how heavy they are already.
Meghan recently posted…Confessions Out Loud
LOL so funny. Love a good confession. I hate when people offer unsolicited advice, especially when I was pregnant. Like, who asked you?
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I’m glad I gave you a laugh and thanks for letting me know about the Cheesecake Factory Salad. I’ve added a note to my phone and I’m totally getting it the next time I go.
Meghan recently posted…Confessions Out Loud
Weighty chest? As if for my genetically not blessed self 😉 . I think it was this or a talent for words for me and I got the latter. Not complaining … or maybe I do because I. want.it. all.
Son of an itch, huh? Well done trying to keep the impulse at bay. Regarding the case of soft cheese: doctors might mean well but indulging your cravings – also to keep your temper at bay- takes precedence over following all the rules. Pregnancy is hard enough already, no?
I have a feeling you’ll be a pretty awesome and relaxed mum which your tomato will thank you for one day. After the rebellious teenage phase …
Miss Polkadot recently posted…Hatred hurts. Where did the social [media] go?
I’m terrified of the rebellious teen phase, especially when I think about how crazy I was….eek.
Meghan recently posted…Confessions Out Loud
if you come visit, you can sniff my wine bottles, go braless, listen to rap, shop the farmers market, and pee with the door open. WELCOME ALL!
It’s a deal!
You are so right about the cheese…. It must be so hard to try and figure out the ‘advice’ that has merit to it and the studies that have been proven wrong/right/wrong and right again!
I don’t think I have anything to put on a scale when it comes to boobs… But if I did then you bet I would be trying it out, you know, just for interest. 😛
Jen @ Chase the Red Grape recently posted…Friday Favourites! Dec 18
I’ve adopted the all good things in moderation approach. Nothing crazy, nice and easy. I like to think it’s working.
Meghan recently posted…Week In Review: Ten Is Zen
I’m pretty good at filtering my words when it I’m around little kids, but less so around anyone else. I even had one of my female cousins ask me if I had a lot of guy friends because I swear so much. Like… what? 😯 What’s that got to do with anything? Also, I pee with the door open all the time. One of the perks of living alone 😀
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That would definitely be a perk of living alone. Not having to do someone else’s laundry wouldn’t hurt either, although the Hubby probably does mine more than I do his. Hmm, he also makes my coffee every night for the following morning. Guess I’ll keep him. 🙂
Meghan recently posted…Week In Review: Ten Is Zen
THAT
was awesome!
So glad you liked it. It was a fun one to write. 🙂
My first word was “banana,” and I turned out ok ; )
And if it makes you feel any better, I learned all my best swear words from my parents. Kids are gonna hear it somewhere, eventually.
As a Sagittarius, I cannot stand unsolicited advice, so you’re my hero for actually keeping it together. I remember when I first got a puppy, EVERYONE had advice, and some of it was so unwelcome, I actually burst into tears once and told a particularly opinionated SOB, “Leave me alone—I’m doing the best I can.” I can only imagine what a nightmare I’d be with pregnancy hormones.
Jess @ Keeping It Real Food recently posted…Thinking Out Loud: More Healthy Swaps
Hooray for #publicbanana. I’m thrilled it was your first word.
Meghan recently posted…Week In Review: Ten Is Zen
Seriously though, the parenting advice and opinions gets straight COMICAL. When I was pregnant a coworker (actually, my boss) told me I would be a bad parent because my dog kept having to go out in the middle of the night and I couldn’t get him to stop. Uhm. okay. These days, if it’s my own family giving me suggestions, unless it’s my Grandma, I legit say, “okay, you can shut up now.” And as for cursing, I mean, you’ve got so much time. They don;t even get words for a long time. I still use “colorful language” in front of my 18 month old (oops.)
Morgan @ Morgan Manages Mommyhood recently posted…Thinking Out Loud: Christmas Edition
I’m horrified someone said you’d be a bad parent. Wow! That’s unbelievable.
Meghan recently posted…Week In Review: Ten Is Zen
Well, I don’t quite have any kids, so I haven’t gotten any parenting advice yet… I think I would probably go to my mom and dad for parenting advice first, because they were the BEST PARENTS! Such a blessing from God!
Emiyl recently posted…WIAW: My Favorite Parts of Christmas
It’s awesome you feel that way about your parents. I hope my own tiny human can say the same in 20 years. 🙂
Meghan recently posted…Week In Review: Ten Is Zen
Fuck that dude. Here’s some more unsolicited advice: Teach your fucking kid to express the shit out of themselves and be god damn awesome 😉 Like you.
Also: I too, pee with the door open when the fiance isn’t home. I want to do it when he is too because I hear all these stories from friends who leave the door open when going number 1 with their partners home and I feel like sometimes John and I are missing out on some of that closeness. Or maybe my friends just lack boundaries. That could be true too.
Adore you!! xoxoxo!
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This is amazing. I don’t blame you for smelling up the beer bottles – I would do the same (and probably also the wine bottles, whisky bottles, and any other bottle of alcohol containing fluid).
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