Two Beauty Tips

I’m going to share some beauty tips with you today, which is exactly what you’d expect from a food blogger (um, Not), but let’s run with it because I need to get this off my chest, so to speak. Truth be told, I like my chest, and I’d like it stay where it belongs. Me and Gravity: we’re not friends. Quite frankly, if I meet him (of course Gravity is a man) in a back alley, I might waive my no violence rule.

As I get older (not old, just “older” mind you), I’d like to think I’m wiser, but we all know that’s not true. I’m just better at acting outwardly mature.

My years on this planet have gleaned me a few tidbits of information though, so I’ve decided to pass my knowledge onto you. Bear in mind, while I’ve got a hippie mentality (peace, love, unicorns, and sweet potato fries), I’m also vain. Like I would never leave my house in sweat pants, cuffed at the ankle, vain and I think Crocs should be banned. They make your feet look like blocks of legos. It’s not acceptable attire for being seen by the general public, but hey, that’s just me. Everybody is entitled to their own opinion and fashion style, but now you know where my head is at, so consider this your fair warning before delving into my two beauty tips.

1) Stop Smoking. If you are a smoker, stop (with the help of a medical professional) and not because it will give you emphysema, lung cancer, jacked up teeth and nails, horrible breath or even kill you. If you’re a smoker, you know all of those reasons, and you still smoke, so I’m going to give you a reason you haven’t heard before. One that might have stopped me back in the day (yes, I am a former smoker of far too many years…it is never too late to get healthy!) because it would have appealed to my vanity, and it’s a reason that surfaces only as we mature (this is my nice way of saying “aging”).

If you smoke, all that sucking and puffing, will eventually show on your face. Your mouth, as you age (no more niceties), will begin to resemble a strained and puckered asshole, literally, and no amount of expensive creams will cure it (if you know of one that works, please share…I might even let the organic slide). I’m passing along this information because I don’t want you to wake up one morning, look in the mirror and say, “Where the hell did those mouth wrinkles come from?” Stop now while your mouth stands a chance.

2) Shapely Brows. If you have no eyebrows to speak of and a withered mouth hole, you’re in bad shape (or you’ve come to accept your flaws, just maybe not gracefully). Truly, if you find yourself powdering or penciling in your eyebrows every single day, I’ve got a great tip for you. When you get out of the shower and wrap your towel around your head, turban style, cinch it a little tighter than normal. It will create a non-permanent (Rats!) and organic face lift. Imagine if I designed a cute little woman’s fedora, which created the same effect. I’d be a bazillionaire, and then maybe I could afford expensive face creams for mouth wrinkles. Then again, I’d never be able to take my hat off, and that’d be rude, sitting at the dinner table, rocking a fedora. Hmm, back to the drawing board.

Returning to the topic at hand…while your towel is on turban style and your face is stretched a wee bit tighter than normal, your shell of an eyebrow will be in a perfect arch position for plucking, powdering or penciling in your brows. It will give you the nicest and most natural shape (well unless your towel is pulled way too tight, then it’d be a hot mess).

Honestly, this takes any kind of guesswork out of filling in your eyebrows, and while I may be vain, I’m no make-up artist, so I’ll take all the help I can get. If you do nothing with your brows, you might want to consider it. Why? Well because eyebrows are the frame of your face, so you really want to come correct. I’d leave the house without lipstick (actually I usually only wear chapstick), but never without my brows. You want proof eyebrows are important: two otherwise attractive women with some jacked up brows.

If you choose to keep smoking and continue to go outside browless, you’ll eventually look like this, and (spoiler alert!) we all know how it turned out for him.

The only thing worse would be wearing Crocs in public, by choice.

 Back to puppies, rainbows and unicorns tomorrow.

*Today’s message was brought to you by a more than mildly crazy lady in her thirties, who is witnessing her face “maturing,” and struggling to accept it gracefully. In fact, grace may have flown out the window completely.

Have you seen signs of aging on your face yet? How do you cope? Do you want to run in terror or just buy extra concealer? Was today’s post too much raw honesty, with an emphasis on raw?