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Things I Never Thought I’d Say Out Loud

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It’s no secret my life is a little different these days.

You could even say I’ve done a complete 180 compared to last year at this time. Back then, I was footloose and fancy free. I drank cocktails without repercussions, and I came as I pleased.

That last line was a double entendre.

Ave Yawning Crazy Eyes

(I’ve come here to chew bubble gum and kick ass…and I’m all out of bubble gum.)

Apparently not everything has changed because my naughty sense of humor is still intact.

I have a three and a half month old daughter now and life looks nothing like I expected. Needless to say, it’s been an eye-opening, enlightening and exhausting experience.   

As such I’ve decided to share some things I Never Thought I’d Say, Out Loud of course.

Thanks for hosting Ms. Amanda.

Thinking-Out-Loud

Things I Never Thought I’d Say

I’m pregnant.

Is that breast milk on my phone?

I have an icepack down my pants and cabbage leaves in my bra. What’s wrong with this picture?

“Babies are fucking weird,” said after Ave started crying hysterically in the middle of her nap. Twenty seconds later, she was sound asleep as if nothing had happened.

Ave Eyeing KIND Bar

(Are you gonna finish that?)

Hold still kid, I need to pick your nose.

Is that breast milk on the bathroom floor?

I think I forgot to shower today.

♫ You rock rough and stuff with your Afro Puff. [Fart] on, wit’ cha bad self. ♫

Ave Silly Smile and Chins

(Attention parents: we need a cleanup on aisle two.)

Upon hearing flatulence two rooms away, “Yep, she’s totally my kid.”

“So what did you do today.” “I tried to put the baby down for a nap.” “Oh that’s nice, what else?” “No, that’s it. That’s all I did today. I might have peed twice too.”

Did I splash water on my shirt, or am I leaking again?

I think she prefers to be on her back….oh crap.

Ave in her Party Dress

(Should I do a breast or bottle today? That is the question.)

I’m sure it’s cool to go to Target even though I haven’t showered today.

“Now that is one impressive poop.” Alright fine, I might have said this one before, but never about someone else’s backdoor shenanigans.

Good lord man! Was that you, or is it time to change the baby?

Donald Trump is running for president. You can’t be serious.  

Ave Say What - I'm Cute but I Will Destroy You

(Donald Trump? Say what!)

Things I Never Thought I’d Say #momlife #momblogger #funny

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What phrases do you find yourself uttering that you never expected to say? Lay it on me.

Comments

  1. Hahah this is brilliant- especially the innuendo at the start ;)! One thing I never thought I’d say is ‘Hilary for President’! Let’s just say that between Michelle’s strong argument & who she is up against, my respect for her is only growing!
    Khushboo recently posted…Salted Chocolate Protein SmoothieMy Profile

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  2. Totally remember the days I spent attempting to get a baby to nap for hours on end. I think I gave up after Diana though and just went for a drive. No regular nap schedule and we all lived. Something a few years ahead of you that I recently said – “if you’re gonna FaceTime you need to be wearing pants!” It seriously just gets weirder.
    michele @ paleorunningmomma recently posted…Barbie Gets Married, I Go a Little Nuts, and “When Moms Get Sick”My Profile

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    • We don’t have a regular nap schedule either. We take our cues from the baby and when she’s tired and starts yawning we put her down. Sometimes it works and sometimes her nap gets cut short and she’s really cranky and putting her down becomes much more challenging.

      Pants are important for FaceTime. I learned that one too. 🙂
      Meghan recently posted…Things I Never Thought I’d Say Out LoudMy Profile

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  3. My first literally refused to sleep ever and I vividly remember spending more time trying to get him down for ONE nap than he would spend napping all day. It was the wooorsstt. This one is much easier, but still a total brat when it comes to sleep. So I feeel youu. Also, “Babies are fucking weird” is basically our catch phrase around here.

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  5. “Hold still kid, I need to pick your nose.” HA HA! My favourite!!! I can’t think of anything at the moment, but then mine would probably a bit more dark and disturbing now that my kids are teenagers. Oh, but guess what I did last night? I walked NAKED out of our bedroom at midnight to grab some toilet paper from the hallway closet and met my stepson Ethan in the middle of the hallway while he was on his way to the bathroom. AHHHHHHHHHHH.
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  6. It’s so true that when we come into a new season of life, there are so many things that take us by surprise. I think you’re a great mama Meghan. Thank you for nurturing your adorable little girl. :o) And I think the thing I never thought I’d say is that I write a blog, and people actually read it? 😀
    Emily recently posted…Thinking Out Loud: Why Emotions Aren’t BadMy Profile

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  7. This is amazing!!! A successful day is now defined and measured by how she ate, peed, pooped, and napped. WTF happened to my life? And how am I so excited when she latches on with vigor or doesn’t pee during a diaper change??
    The funniest thing I’ve heard was by my hubby at 4am “whoaaaaaaa!!!! She got me in the face!!!” And I discovered she had sharted and he got newborn baby poop in the face. Later on I got it sprayed on my feet. We discovered that sneezing and naked baby bUtt is a dangerous combination. Our lives are this exciting now. Ive never loved a human more, I’ve never known I could love so deeply nor sleep so little. I’m deliriously smitten
    Danielle recently posted…WIR – baby room & catching upMy Profile

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  9. Funny how having kids makes you say all kinds of things you’d never thought you’d say… Ha ha!

    Off the top of my head, things I never thought I’d say:

    *Who peed on the floor?
    *No, I don’t want your booger, and don’t eat it!!!!
    *Please stop playing with your penis and wash your hands.
    *We don’t put our lovies on our vagina.
    *Please stop playing with my boob.
    *Please stop playing with my stomach. Yes, it’s squishy, but we don’t pinch mommy’s jiggly bits.

    Parenting!

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  10. I have a feeling this is going to be one of those “like mother like daughter” upbringings. That girls’ facial expressions, my god.

    Actually, speaking of, I don’t think I would have ever thought I’d say “I am so much like my mother.” …..Oie.
    Cora recently posted…What I Ate Wednesday: Summer in a DayMy Profile

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      • Well, that’s somewhere between 16 & 20 months from a precocious boy before I’d ever given any thought to the idea of privacy. I mean, my gosh, naps were out of the question and it’s a kid who barely slept at all at night. Taking time to change his baby brothers diaper was time enough for him to smear a whole jar of Vaseline all over the woodwork! If I wanted a shower, he had to join me.

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  16. This whole post … It’s odd and amazing at the same time. Or should I say: Ave-mazing?! Odd because – yes, that one’s getting old [as do I <- also something I didn't think I'd say one day] – it makes me think of that one mail of yours again. No matter what kind of possibilities you saw for the future at that point – a baby definitely wasn't part of them. Suits you very very well, though, Mama Meg.
    Regarding that massive poop business: it's one thing that makes me feel uncomfortable when I'm at my sister's and she gets out the little 'toilet' bucket for P. They're starting solids now so visiting her tomorrow might have me experience some of that poop thing …
    Miss Polkadot recently posted…Week in review: Back with many words [and some pictures].My Profile

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    • Good luck with the poop business. I can’t believe how much of my day centers around backdoor business. 🙂 I don’t think the bucket would work for me since Ave uses the bathroom 95% when she’s in the middle of nursing.

      What kinds of food is your sister going to start him with? I hear iron rich is a big deal.
      Meghan recently posted…Things I Never Thought I’d Say Out LoudMy Profile

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  18. It’s funny how life changes and we change right along with it. You might have never thought about the little peanut but Mamma Meg totally fits you. The weirdest thing I’ve said recently is “lay back down I didn’t get the big one yet” as I was peeling sunburn off his back :0

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