It’s no secret my life is a little different these days.
You could even say I’ve done a complete 180 compared to last year at this time. Back then, I was footloose and fancy free. I drank cocktails without repercussions, and I came as I pleased.
That last line was a double entendre.
(I’ve come here to chew bubble gum and kick ass…and I’m all out of bubble gum.)
Apparently not everything has changed because my naughty sense of humor is still intact.
I have a three and a half month old daughter now and life looks nothing like I expected. Needless to say, it’s been an eye-opening, enlightening and exhausting experience.
As such I’ve decided to share some things I Never Thought I’d Say, Out Loud of course.
Thanks for hosting Ms. Amanda.
Things I Never Thought I’d Say
Is that breast milk on my phone?
I have an icepack down my pants and cabbage leaves in my bra. What’s wrong with this picture?
“Babies are fucking weird,” said after Ave started crying hysterically in the middle of her nap. Twenty seconds later, she was sound asleep as if nothing had happened.
(Are you gonna finish that?)
Hold still kid, I need to pick your nose.
Is that breast milk on the bathroom floor?
I think I forgot to shower today.
♫ You rock rough and stuff with your Afro Puff. [Fart] on, wit’ cha bad self. ♫
(Attention parents: we need a cleanup on aisle two.)
Upon hearing flatulence two rooms away, “Yep, she’s totally my kid.”
“So what did you do today.” “I tried to put the baby down for a nap.” “Oh that’s nice, what else?” “No, that’s it. That’s all I did today. I might have peed twice too.”
Did I splash water on my shirt, or am I leaking again?
I think she prefers to be on her back….oh crap.
(Should I do a breast or bottle today? That is the question.)
I’m sure it’s cool to go to Target even though I haven’t showered today.
“Now that is one impressive poop.” Alright fine, I might have said this one before, but never about someone else’s backdoor shenanigans.
Good lord man! Was that you, or is it time to change the baby?
Donald Trump is running for president. You can’t be serious.
(Donald Trump? Say what!)
What phrases do you find yourself uttering that you never expected to say? Lay it on me.