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You are here: Home / Reflections / Things I Never Thought I’d Say Out Loud

Things I Never Thought I’d Say Out Loud

July 28, 2016 by Meghan 43 Comments

It’s no secret my life is a little different these days.

You could even say I’ve done a complete 180 compared to last year at this time. Back then, I was footloose and fancy free. I drank cocktails without repercussions, and I came as I pleased.

That last line was a double entendre.

Ave Yawning Crazy Eyes

(I’ve come here to chew bubble gum and kick ass…and I’m all out of bubble gum.)

Apparently not everything has changed because my naughty sense of humor is still intact.

I have a three and a half month old daughter now and life looks nothing like I expected. Needless to say, it’s been an eye-opening, enlightening and exhausting experience.   

As such I’ve decided to share some things I Never Thought I’d Say, Out Loud of course.

Thanks for hosting Ms. Amanda.

Thinking-Out-Loud

Things I Never Thought I’d Say

I’m pregnant.

Is that breast milk on my phone?

I have an icepack down my pants and cabbage leaves in my bra. What’s wrong with this picture?

“Babies are fucking weird,” said after Ave started crying hysterically in the middle of her nap. Twenty seconds later, she was sound asleep as if nothing had happened.

Ave Eyeing KIND Bar

(Are you gonna finish that?)

Hold still kid, I need to pick your nose.

Is that breast milk on the bathroom floor?

I think I forgot to shower today.

β™« You rock rough and stuff with your Afro Puff. [Fart] on, wit’ cha bad self. β™«

Ave Silly Smile and Chins

(Attention parents: we need a cleanup on aisle two.)

Upon hearing flatulence two rooms away, “Yep, she’s totally my kid.”

“So what did you do today.” “I tried to put the baby down for a nap.” “Oh that’s nice, what else?” “No, that’s it. That’s all I did today. I might have peed twice too.”

Did I splash water on my shirt, or am I leaking again?

I think she prefers to be on her back….oh crap.

Ave in her Party Dress

(Should I do a breast or bottle today? That is the question.)

I’m sure it’s cool to go to Target even though I haven’t showered today.

“Now that is one impressive poop.” Alright fine, I might have said this one before, but never about someone else’s backdoor shenanigans.

Good lord man! Was that you, or is it time to change the baby?

Donald Trump is running for president. You can’t be serious.  

Ave Say What - I'm Cute but I Will Destroy You

(Donald Trump? Say what!)

Things I Never Thought I’d Say #momlife #momblogger #funny

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What phrases do you find yourself uttering that you never expected to say? Lay it on me.

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Filed Under: Reflections Tagged With: baby, funny, happy, healthy, healthy living blogger, mommy blogger, nursing, pregnancy

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Comments

  1. Khushboo says

    July 28, 2016 at 4:16 AM

    Hahah this is brilliant- especially the innuendo at the start ;)! One thing I never thought I’d say is ‘Hilary for President’! Let’s just say that between Michelle’s strong argument & who she is up against, my respect for her is only growing!
    Khushboo recently posted…Salted Chocolate Protein SmoothieMy Profile

    Reply
    • Meghan says

      July 29, 2016 at 8:27 AM

      I think it’s simply amazing we have a female even running. The times, they are a changin’.
      Meghan recently posted…Things I Never Thought I’d Say Out LoudMy Profile

      Reply
  2. michele @ paleorunningmomma says

    July 28, 2016 at 8:35 AM

    Totally remember the days I spent attempting to get a baby to nap for hours on end. I think I gave up after Diana though and just went for a drive. No regular nap schedule and we all lived. Something a few years ahead of you that I recently said – “if you’re gonna FaceTime you need to be wearing pants!” It seriously just gets weirder.
    michele @ paleorunningmomma recently posted…Barbie Gets Married, I Go a Little Nuts, and β€œWhen Moms Get Sick”My Profile

    Reply
    • Meghan says

      July 29, 2016 at 8:29 AM

      We don’t have a regular nap schedule either. We take our cues from the baby and when she’s tired and starts yawning we put her down. Sometimes it works and sometimes her nap gets cut short and she’s really cranky and putting her down becomes much more challenging.

      Pants are important for FaceTime. I learned that one too. πŸ™‚
      Meghan recently posted…Things I Never Thought I’d Say Out LoudMy Profile

      Reply
  3. Morgan @ Morgan Manages Mommyhood says

    July 28, 2016 at 8:50 AM

    My first literally refused to sleep ever and I vividly remember spending more time trying to get him down for ONE nap than he would spend napping all day. It was the wooorsstt. This one is much easier, but still a total brat when it comes to sleep. So I feeel youu. Also, “Babies are fucking weird” is basically our catch phrase around here.

    Reply
    • Meghan says

      July 29, 2016 at 2:05 PM

      I should write a book and name it Babies are fucking weird. πŸ™‚
      Meghan recently posted…Things I Never Thought I’d Say Out LoudMy Profile

      Reply
  4. Amanda @ .running with spoons. says

    July 28, 2016 at 9:17 AM

    I can’t think of any phrases (it’s too early in the morning), but I CAN say that I never thought I’d be writing SEO appropriate about recipes. That opening line of a recipe post? Each time I’m like… I feel like a cheesy infomercial πŸ˜†
    Amanda @ .running with spoons. recently posted…what was this doing in my toilet?!?! (ToL#193)My Profile

    Reply
    • Meghan says

      July 29, 2016 at 2:43 PM

      I know what you mean. Every time I type the phrase textural perfection, I cringe. πŸ™‚
      Meghan recently posted…Things I Never Thought I’d Say Out LoudMy Profile

      Reply
  5. Suzy says

    July 28, 2016 at 9:41 AM

    “Hold still kid, I need to pick your nose.” HA HA! My favourite!!! I can’t think of anything at the moment, but then mine would probably a bit more dark and disturbing now that my kids are teenagers. Oh, but guess what I did last night? I walked NAKED out of our bedroom at midnight to grab some toilet paper from the hallway closet and met my stepson Ethan in the middle of the hallway while he was on his way to the bathroom. AHHHHHHHHHHH.
    Suzy recently posted…IdentifyMy Profile

    Reply
    • Meghan says

      July 29, 2016 at 2:45 PM

      I did that same thing the night of my bachelorette party, although instead of walking into the bathroom, I walked into the spare bedroom where my bestie was sleeping, turned on the light and walked back out. πŸ™‚ πŸ™‚
      Meghan recently posted…Things I Never Thought I’d Say Out LoudMy Profile

      Reply
  6. Emily says

    July 28, 2016 at 9:58 AM

    It’s so true that when we come into a new season of life, there are so many things that take us by surprise. I think you’re a great mama Meghan. Thank you for nurturing your adorable little girl. :o) And I think the thing I never thought I’d say is that I write a blog, and people actually read it? πŸ˜€
    Emily recently posted…Thinking Out Loud: Why Emotions Aren’t BadMy Profile

    Reply
    • Meghan says

      July 29, 2016 at 2:46 PM

      Aw why thank you. What a lovely comment. I really appreciate it.
      Meghan recently posted…Things I Never Thought I’d Say Out LoudMy Profile

      Reply
  7. Danielle says

    July 28, 2016 at 10:12 AM

    This is amazing!!! A successful day is now defined and measured by how she ate, peed, pooped, and napped. WTF happened to my life? And how am I so excited when she latches on with vigor or doesn’t pee during a diaper change??
    The funniest thing I’ve heard was by my hubby at 4am “whoaaaaaaa!!!! She got me in the face!!!” And I discovered she had sharted and he got newborn baby poop in the face. Later on I got it sprayed on my feet. We discovered that sneezing and naked baby bUtt is a dangerous combination. Our lives are this exciting now. Ive never loved a human more, I’ve never known I could love so deeply nor sleep so little. I’m deliriously smitten
    Danielle recently posted…WIR – baby room & catching upMy Profile

    Reply
    • Meghan says

      July 29, 2016 at 2:49 PM

      That’s hysterical. Ave is a big fan of the shart. πŸ™‚

      I’m thrilled for your current state of delirium and happiness.
      Meghan recently posted…Things I Never Thought I’d Say Out LoudMy Profile

      Reply
  8. Laura @ Sprint 2 the Table says

    July 28, 2016 at 10:48 AM

    That double entendre was not lost on me! Shocker… (#TWSS)

    Please don’t get me started on Trump. I’m about to lose it.

    P.S. Evie says the baby is the cutest thing ever. I have to agree, despite my aversion to living things.
    Laura @ Sprint 2 the Table recently posted…A Day in the Life {WIAW}My Profile

    Reply
    • Meghan says

      July 29, 2016 at 2:50 PM

      You and Evie can borrow her. You can even take her to the lactation support group. πŸ™‚
      Meghan recently posted…Things I Never Thought I’d Say Out LoudMy Profile

      Reply
  9. Heather Shoberg says

    July 28, 2016 at 11:01 AM

    Funny how having kids makes you say all kinds of things you’d never thought you’d say… Ha ha!

    Off the top of my head, things I never thought I’d say:

    *Who peed on the floor?
    *No, I don’t want your booger, and don’t eat it!!!!
    *Please stop playing with your penis and wash your hands.
    *We don’t put our lovies on our vagina.
    *Please stop playing with my boob.
    *Please stop playing with my stomach. Yes, it’s squishy, but we don’t pinch mommy’s jiggly bits.

    Parenting!

    Reply
    • Meghan says

      July 29, 2016 at 2:51 PM

      These are hysterical. You’ve got me cracking up over here. I think my favorite may be “Who peed on the floor?” πŸ™‚
      Meghan recently posted…Things I Never Thought I’d Say Out LoudMy Profile

      Reply
      • Heather Shoberg says

        July 29, 2016 at 3:14 PM

        My favorite, though? The time my daughter peed on the floor and immediately after my son slipped and fell in it. I shouldn’t have laughed as hard as I did.
        Heather Shoberg recently posted…Just Keep Swimming…My Profile

        Reply
        • Meghan says

          July 30, 2016 at 8:33 AM

          I would have laughed too.
          Meghan recently posted…Things I Never Thought I’d Say Out LoudMy Profile

          Reply
  10. Cora says

    July 28, 2016 at 1:49 PM

    I have a feeling this is going to be one of those “like mother like daughter” upbringings. That girls’ facial expressions, my god.

    Actually, speaking of, I don’t think I would have ever thought I’d say “I am so much like my mother.” …..Oie.
    Cora recently posted…What I Ate Wednesday: Summer in a DayMy Profile

    Reply
    • Meghan says

      July 29, 2016 at 2:59 PM

      It’s amazing how we all turn into our mothers one day. πŸ™‚
      Meghan recently posted…Things I Never Thought I’d Say Out LoudMy Profile

      Reply
  11. Ellie says

    July 28, 2016 at 8:30 PM

    I’m laughing hysterically right now! I want to be your babysitter bahahha
    One thing I never thought I’d say is “I haven’t eaten anything without cat hair on it in two years.”
    Ellie recently posted…A New Training Cycle is Like A New HouseMy Profile

    Reply
    • Meghan says

      July 29, 2016 at 3:00 PM

      I hear ya. We have cat hair all over the house, even after we clean it. It never stops.
      Meghan recently posted…Things I Never Thought I’d Say Out LoudMy Profile

      Reply
  12. Grandma La, says

    July 28, 2016 at 9:34 PM

    “No darling, Mamma doesn’t have a beard like Daddy. Beard hair is on a mans face..

    Reply
    • Meghan says

      July 29, 2016 at 3:01 PM

      Ha ha. That is too funny. Kids man, they say some of the funniest stuff.
      Meghan recently posted…Things I Never Thought I’d Say Out LoudMy Profile

      Reply
      • Grandma Lala says

        July 29, 2016 at 11:45 PM

        Well, that’s somewhere between 16 & 20 months from a precocious boy before I’d ever given any thought to the idea of privacy. I mean, my gosh, naps were out of the question and it’s a kid who barely slept at all at night. Taking time to change his baby brothers diaper was time enough for him to smear a whole jar of Vaseline all over the woodwork! If I wanted a shower, he had to join me.

        Reply
  13. Jen @ Chase the Red Grape says

    July 28, 2016 at 11:21 PM

    I never ever thought I would say the words ” I live in Australia”! Or, to be honest, Trump is running for US president! :-S
    Jen @ Chase the Red Grape recently posted…What I ate Wednesday – July 27My Profile

    Reply
    • Meghan says

      July 29, 2016 at 8:13 AM

      What an amazing experience….to be able to live in Australia. I think it’s fantastic you can say those words. πŸ™‚

      Reply
  14. Joyce @ The Hungry Caterpillar says

    July 28, 2016 at 11:40 PM

    I’m having a hard one with that last one, too.
    Joyce @ The Hungry Caterpillar recently posted…WIAW: The Existential Crisis EditionMy Profile

    Reply
    • Meghan says

      July 29, 2016 at 3:03 PM

      The struggle is real.
      Meghan recently posted…Things I Never Thought I’d Say Out LoudMy Profile

      Reply
  15. meredith @ cookie chrunicles says

    July 29, 2016 at 8:10 AM

    lol I am laughing at the tried to put the baby down for a nap. ha! my son never went down for a nap btw. not one time in his crib. not one! it was nap in the car and if I was lucky, he would stay asleep when the car stopped. I spent a lot of money on gas back then!
    meredith @ cookie chrunicles recently posted…Recipe Challenge: Baked FalafelMy Profile

    Reply
    • Meghan says

      July 29, 2016 at 3:04 PM

      Same here. She’ll fall asleep in the car but as soon as we’re back in the house, she’s up almost instantly. She will sleep in this cradle thing during the day, but not the crib. It’s like kryptonite during the waking hours.
      Meghan recently posted…Things I Never Thought I’d Say Out LoudMy Profile

      Reply
  16. Miss Polkadot says

    July 29, 2016 at 2:24 PM

    This whole post … It’s odd and amazing at the same time. Or should I say: Ave-mazing?! Odd because – yes, that one’s getting old [as do I <- also something I didn't think I'd say one day] – it makes me think of that one mail of yours again. No matter what kind of possibilities you saw for the future at that point – a baby definitely wasn't part of them. Suits you very very well, though, Mama Meg.
    Regarding that massive poop business: it's one thing that makes me feel uncomfortable when I'm at my sister's and she gets out the little 'toilet' bucket for P. They're starting solids now so visiting her tomorrow might have me experience some of that poop thing …
    Miss Polkadot recently posted…Week in review: Back with many words [and some pictures].My Profile

    Reply
    • Meghan says

      July 29, 2016 at 3:07 PM

      Good luck with the poop business. I can’t believe how much of my day centers around backdoor business. πŸ™‚ I don’t think the bucket would work for me since Ave uses the bathroom 95% when she’s in the middle of nursing.

      What kinds of food is your sister going to start him with? I hear iron rich is a big deal.
      Meghan recently posted…Things I Never Thought I’d Say Out LoudMy Profile

      Reply
  17. Lindsay says

    July 30, 2016 at 11:26 AM

    I’m going to start making nap balls. Made with melatonin. You eat. Breast feed baby. Baby and mama both sleep. Thoughts? Lol love you

    Reply
    • Meghan says

      July 30, 2016 at 3:01 PM

      I like it. A lot.

      Reply
  18. Sarah says

    July 31, 2016 at 7:49 PM

    It’s funny how life changes and we change right along with it. You might have never thought about the little peanut but Mamma Meg totally fits you. The weirdest thing I’ve said recently is “lay back down I didn’t get the big one yet” as I was peeling sunburn off his back :0

    Reply
    • Meghan says

      August 2, 2016 at 9:01 AM

      Why thank you sweets. It’s strange to be a mother although I suppose I’m working it in my own unique way. πŸ™‚

      Reply
  19. Brittany says

    August 5, 2016 at 7:58 AM

    Bahaha you know I like the poop part, in fact I just had one of those moments myself. Still about myself though, haven’t seen anyone else’s in a while. When in doubt: breast milk.
    Brittany recently posted…The Birth of a New BMy Profile

    Reply
    • Meghan says

      August 5, 2016 at 1:41 PM

      I knew if no one else appreciated the poop joke, you certainly would. πŸ™‚
      Meghan recently posted…Cucumber Tomato Salad with Feta and ChickpeasMy Profile

      Reply
  20. Arman @ thebigmansworld says

    August 7, 2016 at 7:15 PM

    OMG. This is the best. Unfiltered awesomeness.

    I still am in disbelief the on/off switch with crying to sleep. Babies are amazing.

    I never thought I’d say ‘my milkshake sells way better than yours.’ It was 2006 and Niki would not stop singing Milkshakes by Kelis. It’s now one of my favorite lines.
    Arman @ thebigmansworld recently posted…Healthy No Bake Peanut Butter Breakfast BlondiesMy Profile

    Reply
    • Meghan says

      August 9, 2016 at 8:43 AM

      That song has a way of getting deep into your brain and getting stuck there.
      Meghan recently posted…Week in Review: #43My Profile

      Reply

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