I’ve had a variety of job titles over the years, some more glamorous than others.
In college, I was a cashier at CVS for a long time before being promoted to night supervisor, which entailed having keys to the store and access to the safe, with no one to actually oversee. There wasn’t much of a pay increase either. Basically, they just needed some trustworthy to close up at night and count the money, and I fit the bill. In return, I’d buy cigarettes by the carton with my employee discount. Then I would turn around and sell single packs out of my dorm room at school. Clearly, I had a good head for business.
After CVS, I worked as an office assistant at a dental office. I dealt with insurance and called people to try to schedule them for teeth cleaning appointments. One time, the woman on the other end of the phone told me she wouldn’t be returning because the dentist made an inappropriate pass at her. That was an awkward and not entirely surprising conversation, considering the gentleman in question. He’d hit on anyone, all while his ex-wife, the office manager, looked on. Yeah that was an interesting gig to say the least.
I did some time at a hardware store too, until the manager invited me to hang with him and his wife in their Jacuzzi. Apparently, I attract perverts in the workplace.
I’ve been an assistant, a student, a hostess, a camp counselor, and even a manager overseeing a staff of eleven people. I’ve had to hire individuals, I’ve fired folks, and I’ve doled out my share of work appropriate discipline. I’ve scheduled team buildings, given presentations, hosted luncheons, and mediated conflicts.
While all of these jobs were difficult in their own unique way, none of them quite prepared me for parenting.
Nowadays, I’m a stay at home mother, my most difficult and rewarding position yet; partially because being a mom encompasses way more than one simple word. If I were assigning a job title, there would be a multitude. Of course there’s the obvious laundry list of things associate with motherhood: caretaker, chauffeur, chef, teacher, superhero. There’s some unusual roles as well though.
For example:
Chief Sanitation Officer: you can’t unsee the things I’ve seen.
Arm Wrestler: my child is freakishly strong, a skill she so helpfully displays whenever one attempts to file her razor-sharp claws, also known as nails.
Multitasking Maniac: I have always prided myself on my ability to do multiple things at once. These days though, I can play peek-a-boo and bounce a child on my lap, while simultaneously taking a crap.
Exhibitionist/Performer: I shower while the tiny human looks on from her little seat on the other side of the glass doors. On days where she is being fussy, I give her a show, dancing and singing all while washing my hair. Bonus points for more multitasking.
Dragon Slayer: I gave myself this title after accidentally kicking Puff. “Crap! The magic dragon is down. The magic dragon is down. I repeat, the magic dragon is down.”
Tight Rope Walker: while I may not traverse an actual wire, I’m constantly tip toeing through a mine field of toys, most of which will vibrate, sing, or both without warning. I’ve also found all the perfect places to step on the hardwood floor in the hallway outside the tiny human’s room. One false step and a creaky board later and it’s all over; nap time that is.
Religious Zealot: I have prayed more times in the last nine months than in the last nine years. “Please, please, sweet baby Jesus, please let this child sleep. I beg you.”
Deep Sea Diver: this would make sense if you’ve ever searched underneath the couch cushions in a home with small humans or cleaned the high chair from hell. Truth be told when she’s done with that thing, I intend to burn it, which makes me an arsonist as well.
Ah motherhood, the job title that makes you a hero and a criminal all at once. No prior experience required.
What other job titles would you assign to mothers?
omg there’s no job quite like it in the world! it’s really such a life changing, challenging, rewarding and tiring position, that’s for sure. some think stay at home mom life is easy but I will say and you know well, it’s anything but! I wouldn’t have traded it for the world and cannot even imagine what it takes for someone to get up, work full time out of the house and then come home and go back into mom mode but sometimes I think the car ride by myself to another place (like an office job) would seem like freedom for those few minutes lol.
meredith @ cookie chrunicles recently posted…Divorce & Dunkin Donuts (TOL)
A car ride to yourself can be freedom, although like you said, I can’t imagine switching roles back and forth. No matter how you look at it, being a mother is the hardest job although it does come with it’s perks: those smiles plus a lifetime supply of coffee.
Meghan recently posted…Mothers Wanted: Apply Within
Mediator, especially when you have more than 1.
Counselor, when they hit pre-teen and teenage years.
Chauffeur, driving them and their friends all over.
Disciplinarian, my least favorite and most d8fficult position.
Trusted friend….this is my favorite with my 22 and 18 year old. I’m so happy all the roles I had to play to have them in my life. They are ,you gems.
Trish recently posted…I’m Not Going To Take It Anymore…Day
Mediator and counsel are great ones, although I’m really looking forward to trusted friend.
Thanks for commenting Trish.
Meghan recently posted…Mothers Wanted: Apply Within
Loooooove this post. Esp like the high chair from hell and promise to burn it down when no longer needed. Multi-taking = key element in motherhood (so it seems). Even if it seems stressful, stinky, and out of control at times, I’m guessing a smile tiny human makes it all worth it.
Side note- http://www.salary.com/2016-mothers-day-infographics/
Thought this was pretty darn accurate….. overtime overtime overtime!
Those tiny smiles definitely help, as do the giggles. I’m even getting some hugs lately and those totally rock. .
That info graphic is hilarious. Thanks for sharing it.
Meghan recently posted…Mothers Wanted: Apply Within
Reading this brought so many memories back raising my daughter hahahahaha all so true! Everyday is an adventure, enjoy it, time truly does pass by quickly. She’s adorable.
I’m glad I gave you a stroll down memory lane. How old is your daughter now?
Meghan recently posted…Mothers Wanted: Apply Within
She just turned 25 on Monday! We went to Disney (she was going to run the Marathon (hurt her heel and it was only 29 degrees there) so it was a fail but still a good Mother Daughter time. Raising girls is a crazy road trip. lol I swear the Hormones start working on them within the first 6 months! Ave is adorable & your doing a great job. <3
Ave already makes me seem patient. She’s stubborn and knows what she wants, and she’s only 9 months old. God help me. 🙂
I’m looking forward to future mother daughter trips like yours. That sounds wonderful, marathon or not.
Meghan recently posted…Mothers Wanted: Apply Within
Ha. Oh god. Motherhood is a job completely in of itself. Whatever it is, it deserves the most badass superhero cape, boots, spandex tights and flying car ever made. I bow down to all of you. That being said I’ve done my own fair share of taking a crap multitasking as well.
Cora recently posted…Taking Care of Your Body: What I Ate Wednesday
They should send you home from the hospital with a cape and spandex.
Meghan recently posted…Mothers Wanted: Apply Within
Definitely agree with the above mediator (holy smoke! I am not good at that one) chauffeur (for 3 hours every afternoon/evening) and also IT person (iPads suck) personal chef and short order cook, therapist (friend drama) personal assistant, etc. Never-ending! And it’s so true, nothing really prepares you for any stage of it.
Michele @ paleorunningmomma recently posted…Recent Whole30 Favorites (w/”Mini Recipes”!) and Updates
I think you do an amazing job wearing all those hats, especially with three. You are a saint in my book.
Meghan recently posted…Mothers Wanted: Apply Within
How about Lounge Singer? I cannot count how many times I’ve had to sing (off-key, because that’s who I am) every single rendition of Old MacDonald until the patrons decide they’ve heard enough and stumble off to their beds. I used to be a teacher. I used to write speeches for the president of a large corporation. I used to work for a book publisher in New York. Now it’s off to the farm I go…
Jamie@TheMomGene recently posted…FaceTime
Your comment made me laugh. There’s a blog post in there somewhere. Pass me the milk pump because I’ve joined the farm with ya, although my singing is no better.
Meghan recently posted…Mothers Wanted: Apply Within
So good! I’m trying to think of what I would add… When it comes to tantrums and meltdowns, I feel like I’ve needed the training of S.W.A.T officer. Get in, contain the situation, and disarm the perpetrator.
Heather Shoberg recently posted…Week In Review – Get Schtuff Done
I love the S.W.A.T. officer one. That’s fantastic.
Meghan recently posted…Mothers Wanted: Apply Within
applause applause, spot on. i pray a lot these days, too. how is it that the floors right around the baby’s bed are freaking squeaky as mice dancing????
i also consider myself the court jester, food prep person, CHIEF bottle washer, lead nose aspirator, bath time partner, masseuse, launderer, stylist, and bedtime supervisor. oh of course chauffere. i’m sure i wear more hats than those but that’s all i got for now. oh wait, lead coffee maker!!! coffee. need all the coffee. xxoo
danielle recently posted…WIR sleep less play more
Court jester is a perfect description. I love it.
*Off to drink more coffee.
Meghan recently posted…Mothers Wanted: Apply Within
Huh! Are you sure you weren’t living in C.L. IL while U were working with that dentist? I had to change dentists because he was simply too affectionate! Okay, is going from hugging and cheek kissing to sticking a tongue in your mouth out of order? You never know….maybe a new advance has been made in sensation demntal exams? When my daughter turned fourteen and complained the hugs were too firm, we fled!
The hardware store reminds me of a ‘group therapy’ I once joined. Yeah, the giant waterbed in the living room should have been a hint but I’ve always seen the good in people first. I am still silly Sally fool me once and fool me again, and again! I believe in mankind people! It’s true I stayed too long and shortly after I left, I the male therapist in the marriage partnership therapy couple did end up in jail!
Oh yeah, why oh why was I in therapy? That is for me to and you to find out! Maybe because I thought Having 4 children was mistake! (Never!!!) maybe because I thought I wasn’t at all equipped to raise them al properly once they were here? Well, that is part of it!
None of us has kids with the intention of screwing them up! But by the time they’re well into grade school we begin to see the flaws! It scares us to death because we’d planned to raise them perfectly! We look at ourselves and are terrified at what we see. We see a few of the unwanted qualities that we saw in our moms and swore we’d never repeat, we’ve,done! That’s scary sh_t! I could go on and on… But I don’t think you’re ready just yet.
What is it with dentists? Dirty birdies.
I think everybody could do with a good dose of therapy. Also, I’m already starting to think Ave makes me look patient, which is really scary. Eek.
Meghan recently posted…Mothers Wanted: Apply Within
HA HA HA HA YAAAASSSSS!!! Police officer (checking backpacks for weed), counselor (dealing with emotional issues as they get older), social worker (dealing with relational stuff), Tech support (fixing iPhones and video game consoles), health educator (why it’s deadly to consume cigarettes, McDonalds, narcotics), driving instructor (related to religious zealot–lots of prayer), fire fighter (I set our house on fire not once, but twice sanitizing my breast pump when Freddy was a newborn), teacher (colours, numbers, how to put on condoms), personal trainer (how to do a proper plank), coach (yelling from the sidelines at soccer and rugby games), wine connoisseur (need not an explanation), chef (UGH), nurse (several visits to the ER for things from broken and dislocated arms to seizures to pneumonia to blood transfusions), omg I could go on and on.
Suzy recently posted…The Vegina Monologue
These are all fantastic. I love it. You should pen your own mom post with these. We could make it a regular series. Ha!
Meghan recently posted…Mothers Wanted: Apply Within
Brilliant idea!
Suzy recently posted…Mileage Monday
Superwomen. Rock stars. Rocks in the sea of life [hi, teenagehood, school troubles and, oh, everything else]. I could go on but honestly, mums should be given a heck of a lot more acknowledgement than society currently gives them. Even the craziest workaholics do have a chance for a break if they decide to take one. Mums? Forget it. 24/7 on 365 days a year. I actually talked about that/listened to colleagues talking about it at the office today. Kudos to all mothers out there.
A great great post, lady. I’m really happy becoming a mum didn’t mean the end of your blogging career. I’d have missed you.
Miss Polkadot recently posted…Falling and stumbling, not failing.
Aw thanks my sweet. I’m so glad I’m still blogging too, although some days it’s a struggle. It’s the one place I still feel like myself a bit so I’m gonna hold onto that as long as possible.
Meghan recently posted…Mothers Wanted: Apply Within
Once again Meg I love your honesty. I have no doubt that being a mum is the hardest job in the world and that as the years go by, you will be adding so many more titles under the ‘mum’ banner!
When I think about my mum, I think about what must be the most rewarding – being a friend, a best friend even. 🙂
Jen @ Chase the Red Grape recently posted…How to be true to yourself in 2017 #5TTT
I wouldn’t know how to be any other way other than honest. Gotta keep it real, and I guess I can attribute my ways to my mom. It’s craziness this parenting stuff. I’m grateful for the kid, coffee and moscow mules. 🙂
Meghan recently posted…Mothers Wanted: Apply Within
Religious Zealot. OMG. I’m cracking up. I could do without the sanitation job for sure… my stomach still rolls when I think about that.
At least they grow up and one day can wipe their own asses. AND just wait til she gets to wipe your nasty old ass! HAHAHA! Payback is a bitch.
Laura @ Sprint 2 the Table recently posted…Exploring Downtown Las Vegas [WIAW]
It’s funny, the diapers are the part that bothers me the least. Wiping butts becomes second nature. OMG, I can’t even believe I just typed that.
Meghan recently posted…Mothers Wanted: Apply Within
Every mom is such an amazing person to me; they have so much unconditional love for little ones that need so much, but it’s truly awesome to look back and watch you raise a little one and watch other moms raise a little one and think, ‘Wow, I really appreciate my mom now more than I ever have before.’ You also become the literal Jill of all trades…
Emily recently posted…The Difference Between Doing Things out of Guilt or Grace
A Jill of all trades…I like that.
Meghan recently posted…WIAW: Ave’s Edition
My goal before we have kids to try to clone myself. For all these jobs. Think I have time to do that? Ha. In the meantime, I’ll be saying the sweet baby Jesus prayer for You. Mm k? You also need the job title BADASS ROCKSTAR
If only I could clone myself….that would be magical.
Badass rockstar works for me. 🙂
Meghan recently posted…WIAW: Ave’s Edition
Referee, hostage negotiator (especially when the 14 year old holds something of value belonging to one of the others, chauffeur, 3 ring circus leader, janitor.
Jen recently posted…Fitness Friday
These titles are great. It does often feel like we’re the head of a 3 ring circus.
Meghan recently posted…WIAW: Ave’s Edition
Hahaha I love the whole post from the first to the last letter. I don’t know if I have said that before but I think you are a wonderful mom. Not only from what you write about motherhood here but also from what I have witnessed personally.
I think there will be 1000 more job titels you’ll be assigned and will assign yourself to in the next years and it will never be boring for certain. Luckily because that also means you have a ton more to share in the future.
Juli@1000lovelythings recently posted…Week in Review – The Happy Edition
Ahh what a lovely comment. Thank you sunshine. That means a lot.
Meghan recently posted…WIAW: Ave’s Edition
It may not have been planned, but you fit the bill perfectly.
Brittany recently posted…Seattle Staycation
Aw shucks. Thanks lovely.