Have I told you about the Hubby?
“While his ninja skills are no match for my own,” she says as she cracks knuckles, “he’s a veritable wordsmith capable of crafting sentences more superfluous and silky smooth than me.” Tis true. The man has a way with words, among other things, some of which cause me to cast a subtle and slightly devious smile, when I reminisce about them. Living apart from your spouse all week is its own sort of foreplay, no?
In any event, last night as I was driving home after yet another late night at the office, I was talking to the Hubby and bemoaning my What I Ate Wednesday post for today. While I love the concept, my participation has been an ongoing thing for two years now, and truth be told, I’m running out of different ways to describe my daily eats. You see for me, it’s just as much about the words, as it is the food.
At the Hubby’s gentle suggestion, I opted to take the night off, not realizing he had an ulterior motive. You see, waiting in my mailbox this morning (Move over Tom Hanks and Meg Ryan, “I’ve Got Mail”) was an email from the Hubby, with a subject line which read “Reader Submission For Your Blog.” I’ve decided to share it with you; it’s the least I can do after the great Sweet Potato debacle. His post has nothing to do with food or fitness, although he was mowing the lawn at his home away from home, so I guess we could say he was exercising. Yes, that’ll work.
I give you The Hubby’s Tale, not to be confused with The Knight’s Tale, even though it captures an epic battle between a Man and a Stray Pennsylvania Cat.
It’s a beautiful warm day; the sun is shining, the birds are singing, and I am thoroughly enjoining the outdoors as I mow the lawn without a care in the world. I finish my current lap and rotate the mower to start the next stretch when suddenly all sweet melodious noises stop. Staring at me, maybe five meters away, right in my path, is a tubby feline with a fat face and a death wish. I am absolutely frozen as this wannabe jaguar is holding my gaze, either too dumb to fear my mulching mower or, as I’m about to discover, a shameless schizophrenic s.o.b. who traded his Lithium for a pinch of nip and a bottle of Jack.
With a one-eyed wink, he drops his drawers and all modesty, while impressively maintaining eye contact. I sarcastically extend my verbal gratitude as he buries his business in the long, healthy grass that I will momentarily be cutting. I react with the only rational action I can think of, that is pull out my iPhone and snap a picture.
As he is finishing up, I’m having an internal debate on the merits of using the bag at the back of the mower to collect the clumped grass and moving forward… other clumpage. Satisfied with satiating the Earth, my ebony adversary, with whiskers held high, saunters towards my leg. In my soul, I know he is victorious and wants to be rewarded with a scratch on his ugly malicious head. Instead I let loose a primordial scream for him to move his nasty ass out of my way. Mercifully, he acquiesces with a salty snicker and snaps me in the calf with his tail. I know what I must do, but I don’t like it.
I push the mower forward, one step at a time, but find myself unconsciously slowing and staring as I approach the freshly fertilized flat. Ironically, with the courage of a lion, I accept my fate and mow over the percolated poop. Like when you use the hose to vacuum up a huge bug in your basement, I can feel the nuggets spinning in the cyclone of the blades, mixing with understandably unhappy clippings, then splattering into the back of the collecting bag inches from my knees. I am moderately successful in keeping the vomit down. That is, until I notice a formerly welcoming next door neighbor, who witnessed my entire “Nightmare on Wood Street” from her beautiful blue convertible with no windows to hide her disgust.
Tell me about your partner of your choice. I want to hear only good things. Go.
I wanna be able to write like this when I grow up in English. I may be a good writer in German, but English…..you guys are my word-heroes.
Lucie@FitSwissChick recently posted…WIAW#76 – It’s a restweek
I think you’re pretty fabulous too Ms. Lucie. You can join our wordy club. I’ll teach bad words in English. 🙂
Meghan recently posted…WIAW: The Hubby’s Edition
Woah, didn’t know the Hubby was such a good writer too! Myyyyyy partner of choice is tall and handsome, sup strong. Great smile and eyes. Funny, smart, caring, opens the doors for me and makes me feel special. Creative and talented. Many similar likes and dislikes. Has an awesome family and especially cool sister who let’s is visit and cooks amazing food. Pretty lucky : )
Ya know, I heard that about his sister. 😉
Meghan recently posted…WIAW: The Hubby’s Edition
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
Thanks Mr. Clean Eats, Fast Feets. I needed a good laugh.
Carly @ Snack Therapy recently posted…Reasons to Skip the Gym
He’s good for more than a laugh. 🙂
Meghan recently posted…WIAW: The Hubby’s Edition
This. Was. Epic.
I think the picture really sums it all up very well. The only thing that could have possibly made this better is if that hunk of kitty poop got flicked onto the lady’s car who was watching.
Short story time. When my H was wooing me in my younger, more slender years, he used to make me pudding cakes with “I Love You” spelled out in white chocolate chips. (He was a baker then). NOW? He’s a butcher. And he brings home T-bones and exclaims with delight over the marbling and choice cut.
And he mows the lawn, too. We’ve got some good men, haven’t we?
Lindsey @HalfDimeHomestead recently posted…Good Mama Monthly – The Wild Edition
Good men who bake, mow the lawns and bring on the bones are the very best kind.
Meghan recently posted…WIAW: The Hubby’s Edition
Terrific, “Mr Clean”!
Though I really do think you need to protect your phone with a case. I mean, what if some mulched cat poo got on it?
Kirsten recently posted…Pear Walnut Sourdough Coffee Cake
No stop reading and go study.
Kirsten recently posted…Pear Walnut Sourdough Coffee Cake
No really, NOW stop reading and go study!
Kirsten recently posted…Grilled Butternut Squash & Peppers–a side, a main, or a meal.
I don’t know what you are trying to imply Kirsten; I am very busy studying. For example, I recently learned the herbal supplement Berberine is contraindicated with heroine because it can cause nausea, vomiting, and flatulence.
Cause you know I wouldn’t be cleaning that. Hell no.
Meghan recently posted…WIAW: The Hubby’s Edition
😆 Absolutely brilliant. The words. The situation. All of it. And my partner of choice would most definitely need to be a man willing to cut the grass. I have no patience for that kind of work. Errr… I have allergies. Yes, allergies. I need to avoid yard work for my health…
Amanda @ .running with spoons. recently posted…. WIAW… when i’m tired .
I actually adore yard work, when I have time to do it, which has been minimal lately. Except today. With the in-laws help, we put in a solid afternoon of labor and front yard looks halfway decent again.
Meghan recently posted…WIAW: The Hubby’s Edition
This had me DYING!! OMFG The photo at the end was the CAP to the story. HAHAHAHA. So well written too, he needs to write some guest posts more often. Or better yet, you can TANDEM the posts.
Brittany recently posted…Whirlwind
Tandem posts, now there’s an idea. We could have word battles. 🙂
Meghan recently posted…WIAW: The Hubby’s Edition
HAHAHAhaha omg this is awesome. Can you hear me clapping through the internet?And that photo at the end with the neighbor – LOL. Well done. You chose a good man, m’dear.
Charlotte @ Commitness to Fitness recently posted…Wine Has the Word Win in it and Other Unfinished Musings (TOL)
Yep, he’s a keeper. I think I’ll hang onto him for awhile.
Meghan recently posted…WIAW: The Hubby’s Edition
When I grow up, I want to meet a husband who shares your hubby’s sense of humour & flair with words…LOVE this!
Khushboo recently posted…New-to-me products
He is pretty fabulous. Just don’t tell him I said so, I wouldn’t want him to get a big head…then again.. 😉
Meghan recently posted…WIAW: The Hubby’s Edition
Great job Mr Clean Eats! You are now the creepy albeit well fed neighborhood guy. Cats and poop beware! At least it wasn’t bunnies…
No partner of choice, I am taking submissions though. Must cook and clean, back-rubs are a plus!
– Salary Based on Exp.
Love this: “creepy albeit well fed neighborhood guy.”
Meghan recently posted…WIAW: The Hubby’s Edition
Haha, I love that there’s a pic, too!
Libby recently posted…21 Day Fix Challenge Group Starts October 6th!
What kind of blogger’s hubby would he be without a pic? I taught him well.
Meghan recently posted…WIAW: The Hubby’s Edition
I already know the hubs and I will be friends. Is that creepy? Let it be creepy.
Arman @ thebigmansworld recently posted…Asian Pan Seared Salmon
Seeing as how you both adore me, it was meant to be. 🙂 And if he’s not in school, I will be bringing him to Toronto. He’s a fan of cheese too.
Meghan recently posted…WIAW: The Hubby’s Edition
The kicker is the photo at the end. Exactly as I pictured it.
Mr. J is awesome….after surviving the battlefield of dating and relationships (sometimes when you have to explain things out loud, like ‘well we never married because he never divorced his second wife” things make a lot more sense. And sound a lot more soap opera-y) I have found Him. No, Not Jesus. My ideal Man – J. He is the absolute best and no matter what harebrained idea I come up with, he says, “great. Go for it.” I love him with all my bruised battered and full of love heart.
Shannyn recently posted…Sick sick Sick SICK sick.
A supportive significant other is pretty much the best thing ever. Especially when they back the harebrained ideas. Glad you found a good partner.
Meghan recently posted…Steamy Secrets and an SOS
hubby has some serious writing skill! I got caught up in the words.. and them some. teehee
Yep, he’s a keeper. I’m really quite fond of his words and other things. 😉
Meghan recently posted…Steamy Secrets and an SOS