Let’s talk boobies.
Breasts, milk jugs, tiggle biggles, titties, melons, cans, hooters, gazangas, knockers, tatas, high beams, torpedoes, fun bags, the girls, mammary glands.
As entertaining as it is to prattle off various versions of voluptuousness, it’s nothing compared to breastfeeding a toddler.
Confession, my daughter is sixteen months old and still on the nipple, the one attached to my areola. Yes, at my house, every day is happy hour. There is milk on tap, quite literally, and my toddler is an expert at sidling up to the bar.
As a result of our extended nursing, I’ve learned breastfeeding a toddler is an entirely different experience than nursing a newborn. Gone are the days of tube feeding, constant tears (mine, not hers), latch issues, lengthy feeding sessions, and second guessing every little thing (me, not her).
Instead we’ve entered a new phase, one that’s a pinch painful (pun intended), yet playfully priceless.
These days, we have our nursing routine down pat. I almost always play the submissive, lying flat on my back, shirt hiked up high, breasts exposed with my head resting on a pillow provided by my daughter. How thoughtful of her. The tiny tot on the other hand has a number of different poses in her arsenal, which I’ve taken the liberty of naming.
The Zen involves my child focused solely on the task at hand with little movement outside of subtle suckling. It’s our most peaceful pose, the one where I get to stroke her back and kiss the soft downy layer of hair on her head. It’s also the pose we engage in the least.
Instead, we play Doctor, one of my daughter’s favorite positions. She studies my mug and happily jabs her little fingers into my facial orifices. My job is to name what she’s prodding: nose, eyes, mouth, ear, teeth. It’s educational and intrusive. A word of wisdom, keep your peepers pulled tightly shut or you will take a finger to the cornea, and god forbid you haven’t filed those nails.
Another fun position is the Wrestler. With her mouth still firmly attached to my nipple, the tiny human will successfully rotate 180 degrees around my body (per usual I’m lying on my back with her looming over me). She puts my head in a scissor hold with her chubby little thighs, elbows me in the gullet, and headbutts me in the face. It’s a [baby] eat [boob] world out there.
Similarly, there is the Yoga Pose, which involves my wee one doing the one legged tree stance, or maybe it’s warrior two, off my stomach. All I know is there are multiple appendages dangling mid-air, none of which belong to me. This position stretches my nipple beyond it’s normal limits. Thankfully, it doesn’t hurt, although it does make me wonder about the future of my breasts.
The Reader role is exactly what it sounds like. We nurse while perusing our favorite books, over and over and over. Sometimes singing is involved. Often, she will dismantle from the mountain tops long enough to turn the pages or point out things of varying interest. If you mistake her temporary dismount as a sign of completion, you’d be sorely mistaken.
One of our more social affairs is the Tea Party, where she brings her menagerie of stuffed animals to the event at hand. What’s a little boob without a boisterous bunny or blue baboon?
The Motorboat is the funniest pose, which truly needs no further description, and yet, I can’t resist. It’s similar to the first teenage fumblings, where a very eager individual launches themselves at the subject matter, in a concentrated effort to face plant those folds of flesh. My daughter literally hurls herself at my breasts like a moth to a flame. Of course, the motorboat almost inevitable turns into the raspberry.
The Raspberry makes me laugh. It also makes my kid laugh and anyone else who happens to be in the room with us. It’s an accidental burst of air blown onto the bosom resulting in a sound that mimics flatulence. Farts are funny and as soon as she discovers she can make those noises from a place other than her backside, she goes back and blows raspberry after raspberry on my bountiful and now bouncing boobs, amid a mountain of giggles from all involved.
Suffice to say, nursing a toddler has it’s moments, and I wouldn’t trade them for anything. Alright fine, maybe I’d take a new set of nipples when she’s done.
THE TEA PARTY!!!! HA HA HA! Or should it be named “the teat party?” This is hilaaaarious!!! I nursed Katie until she was 2, but most of our nursing sessions were done in the middle of the night so thankfully there weren’t a tonne of different positions. It was all business, just trying to get her back to sleep. I nursed the 3 boys until their 1st birthdays, so suffice to say, my nipples stand at attention 24/7, and I can actually pull each of them out about a foot before even feeling anything at all.
Suzy recently posted…Birth Stories
Teat party! Brilliant. I’m adding it in.
Also I’m laughing hysterically over the fate of your poor nipples. Pretty sure mine will be in the same boat or at least nearby.
Meghan recently posted…Hilarity and Hijinks of Extended Toddler Nursing
HAHA – this was certainly a fun way to look at nursing! I stopped right at the 16 month mark. it just became the natural time to stop as we were down to just the time before bed (and his full mouth of teeth were also getting to be a bit much). but the time was right because he never looked for it again after the last night. it all goes so fast though!
I’m trying to wean naturally but she’s having no part of it. She apparently likes the boob just as much as food. One day, in the meantime I’m storing these memories up.
Meghan recently posted…Hilarity and Hijinks of Extended Toddler Nursing
Awwwwww hahahaha. This made my heart melt and my belly hurt from laughter all in one. You are so wonderful!!
The Wrestler though. I’m having quite a struggle really picturing that one. …ouch?? I think maybe your daughter has gotten some of your gymnastics talent? Either that or you have a serious ninja-martial arts-secret spy in the making.
Cora recently posted…Recent Eats and Recipes: Going Back to the Basics
She’s definitely a ninja in the making, although one who asks for help when she can’t manage to climb up something. Ha!
Meghan recently posted…Hilarity and Hijinks of Extended Toddler Nursing
this is hysterical!those raspberries are so addictive, lulu loves to make farting sounds with her mouth as well. she just mouth farts sporadically during the day and knows that it will earn her some adult laughs, which she loves even more. my daughter realizes that when she does certain things, the adults will clap at her and smile and laugh, so she likes to do them more. she is already learning the ways of the world… she’s a hustler.
i can’t imagine what it would be like breastfeeding the little monkey right now, especially as she is continuously moving around. ouch nipples indeed haha. but how incredibly special and lovely! i just cherish all of these experiences so much.
i do miss breastfeeding and feeling that bond, but i can’t say i regret my experience for once mili second! i have loved my experience being Lulu’s mommy. it’s been the best adventure of my life and she’s my special little ninja monkey.
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again, Fed is best. You have to do whatever you can to take care of your little one, whether it’s formula or boob milk. At the end of the day, you bond with your baby either way, just in a different manner. You aren’t missing anything, you’re just experiencing different fabulous feeding mechanisms.
Meghan recently posted…Hilarity and Hijinks of Extended Toddler Nursing
The mental images I got out of this post are priceless. I hope she never goes for the Wrestler while experiencing flatulence out of the proper end for such noises.
Laura @ Sprint 2 the Table recently posted…Recovering from ACL Surgery, Week 2
Oh there’s been actual flatulence in pretty much every position.
Meghan recently posted…Hilarity and Hijinks of Extended Toddler Nursing
This made me blush and I have to admit I stopped reading it. Not meant for a mans eyes. Congrats lady, you are all amazing, this man is moving on to go do something manly now.
Patrick@looneyforfood.com recently posted…WIAW Vacation Day 2
Who knows maybe one day you’ll father a child or a close friend will and you’ll get to go through this with your partner.
All the more reason, it’s for everyone’s eyes, although I do appreciate your honesty.
Meghan recently posted…Hilarity and Hijinks of Extended Toddler Nursing
I have so many images in my head right now… its hilarious! Ha!
You certainly are a wonder mama and I love that if Ave still wants it/ needs it you are happy to be there for her. And I can only imagine the connection it brings… Both physically and mentally!
Jen @ Chase the Red Grape recently posted…How to navigate through all the health and wellness BS #5TTT
It is a great way to connect with her, although there are certainly others if someone chooses not to breastfeed. Babies are fun (exhausting, manipulative, chaotic) and fun. 🙂
I’m so glad you enjoyed the post. It was a fun one to write.
Meghan recently posted…Hilarity and Hijinks of Extended Toddler Nursing
Meg I love the way you combine words. You’re truly talented!
Kirsten recently posted…Roasted Zucchini and Yellow Squash with Parm and Garlic
Awww shucks! Blows kiss.