It’s been awhile since I aired my dirty laundry, and I think it’s high time I did it again. Without further ado, these are my confessions.
- I don’t like hugging people, unless you’re a family member or a close friend. I’m sorry; I’m just not a hugger. It isn’t because I’m an emotionally devoid human being either….although. The real crux of it is, I’m what people would describe as top-heavy, busty, well-endowed, which is all the more apparent when you factor in my small frame. Honestly, it’s a medical mystery why I don’t have back problems, and it’s also the real reason I don’t like hugging people because when I do, the first thing running through my mind is “My boobs are touching you,” sometimes followed by, “I think you’re enjoying it, creep.”
- Speaking of boobs, remember that time I hulled and froze like thirty cups of strawberries? No? Well you might if I told you I did it topless. It was really quite liberating, although to be fair I should tell you I closed my blinds and I kept my pants on. While this isn’t an everyday occurrence, I’m quite comfortable (despite the hugging issue above) going topless and even sans pants. I am a firm believer in some type of bottoms though because the idea of a bare booty on my furniture doesn’t sit well with me.
- It’s no secret I hate my braces. Being an adult with a mouth full of metal is not cool, no matter how much I try to convince myself otherwise. What isn’t well-known is they discolor your teeth regardless of the number of times you brush, floss and water pick. When I asked the orthodontist about it, they said they’d fix it once the braces came off and I’d just have to wait. They so don’t know me. Not only am I impatient, but I am also vain, so I took matters into my own hands. Using the sharp stabby file from a set of nail clippers, I very carefully and thoroughly cleaned my own teeth. I did a good job too, and now I’m thinking of freelancing, although I will be fully clothed; I’m not that kind of girl.
- Since we are on the topic of odd vanity, when I wake up in the morning, my hair bears a strong resemblance to Kramer from Seinfeld. Strong.
- My last confession is a big one, and as it turns out, I’m not ready to share it. Sometimes (read, often) I live in a land I like to call Denial. It’s a far away place, where ignorance is bliss and caution is thrown out the window. It is my happy place and to confess this last thing would rip me from my happy place, like a newborn being wrenched from the womb. Sorry, but I don’t want to leave the womb just yet.
On that very evasive note (my bad), I shall wish you a Happy Friday and be on my way.
I want to hear you confessions. Tell me your secrets. Do you walk around your house naked as a jaybird? Have you even been to Denial? It’s really quite lovely there this time of year.