When I say ‘sick individual,’ I don’t mean in a dark and twisty Meredith Grey type way, although we certainly know that’s in my veins too.
I simply mean I still have the plague, which is rather unfortunate since hubris is making me eat my words. Stupid, shoddy immune system.
This illness is absolutely inopportune, completely bothersome, wholly unnecessary and a bunch comical. Alright fine, it might not be roll on the floor type funny, but if we can’t laugh at ourselves in the dark times, when can we laugh at ourselves? Sure, sure the obvious answer is the happy times, and ya know what? I’ve been there and done that already, which is why I find it more worthwhile to see the humor when things aren’t all sunshine and rainbows. Hence the reason for today’s post: Confessions of a Sick Individual.
1) I went through two boxes of tissues. On Monday.
2) I found out the Sudafed they keep behind the pharmacy counter is the good stuff. You just have to sign your life away and promise not to make meth in order to get it. Since I was a horrible Chemistry student, I had no problems doing either.
3) Sometimes I blow my nose so forcefully, I also pass wind. It was shocking to me the first time it happened. The seventeenth time, not so much.
4) I’ve had entire days where I can’t breathe from my nostrils, which hasn’t stop me from trying. It also means I sound like a bear charging a small Woodlawn creature.
5) Speaking of sounds, when I blow my nose, it’s louder than a gaggle of geese flying overhead. Honking might be a more apt term. I’ve scared Oscar countless times now.
6) I am living on soups, smoothies and bananas. Mmm bananas.
7) I ran the entire dishwasher last night with only four things in it because I couldn’t bear to hand wash the blender. I know, I know, I’m turning in my Eco Friendly Green Card now.
8) I coat my chest in enough Vick’s VapoRub each night to the point where I resemble a slip n slide.
9) I ate vitamins that fell on the floor, which is never a good thing in a house with two cats.
10) I spend half my days with tissues jammed up my nose. It’s super hot and certainly efficient. You can give me my Green Card back now, or not since….
11) My nightly routine involves sitting in a steaming hot shower until the water runs out and I’m left shivering and limp, like a wet noodle which has been cooked too long.
12) I’ve read all your lovely comments on my last post announcing my sad and sorry state, although I haven’t responded to a single one. Forgive me.
13) Last night, an equally urgent need to pee and wipe my nose awoke me from my slumber. Since I had snot running down my face like the River Nile, I opted to blow first. It was the wrong judgment call.
14) Cherry flavored cough syrup goes down worse than whiskey.
15) I’ve lost all sense of appropriateness, although let’s be totally honest. That actually happened years ago.
Your turn. Tell me one really embarrassing sick story. I won’t reveal your secret to anyone. I promise.