I never thought I’d be blogging about babies and buns in the proverbial oven.
The actual oven, yeah that’s a different story.
I used to prattle on about food and sometimes even fitness, although these days neither is happening in my world. I’m better acquainted with the guy who makes tater tots in the lobby of my office building than my actual stove, and I could count on one hand the number of times I’ve hit the gym hard since last September. I could also count on one set of phalanges the number of times I’ve engaged in lascivious wassails in that same period, which is an entirely different and tragic tale. Needless to say, I’m a little backed up.
The other thing I’m critically aware of right now is harboring a tiny fugitive inside your actual person is tough fucking work, and since I write what I know, it means I’m sharing pregnancy bits and bobs today, Out Loud, of course.
For hard fought rabbit turds and giggles, I thought it’d be fun to share some things you really shouldn’t say to a pregnant woman, especially one completely entrenched in her third trimester. Let’s be honest, we’re not exactly dealing with a shining star of rationality and with all sorts of crazy hormones pumping through her veins, can you blame her? Of course not.
Things You Shouldn’t Say To a Pregnant Woman
“You’re too small.” “You look bigger than me than when I was pregnant.” “It’s about time you started to show.”
Whether she’s as big as circus tent or as tiny as a miniature poodle, she isn’t feeling entirely fantastic about her body so abstain from any and all comments about her size.
“Maybe you should cross your legs?” “That’s not very lady like.”
Do you really think we enjoy sitting here like Al Bundy sans beer with a leaky crotch? Um no, if our legs are spread it’s because we can’t physically close them anymore, and yes we realize it’s how we got into this mess.
“Are you sure you should eat that?” “Do you think you’re getting enough nutrients?” “Wow, you sure love those bagels.” “It’s nice to see you finally eating some greens.”
Hello, wintertime pregnancy right here. It’s not exactly salad season and even if it was, it’s none of your business.
“Can I touch it?”
If you have to ask, the answer is No.
“You’re gestating love right now.” “Aren’t you excited?” “You will never know a greater love than this.”
No, but I did just vomit a little in my mouth, and it’s not because of the heartburn.
“Holy crap, your boobs are huge.”
Actually this one doesn’t bother me at all. Keep those comments coming.
“That’s so weird. My pregnancy was super easy.”
Bully for you.
“What are you going to do about the cats?”
If you have to ask, you don’t know me at all, and therefore we shouldn’t be talking.
Any question which comes with a side of judgement. “Are you going to let the baby sleep with you?” “Will you breastfeed?” “Are you using cloth diapers?” “Will you be delivering naturally?” “When are you going to child proof the house?”
Gee, I thought I’d hand the baby my sharpest scissors and let her play at the top of the stairs. It worked for me growing up.
“When are you having a second?”
Holy cow, slow down people. I haven’t even managed to birth the one in my belly yet.
“Enjoy XYZ now because you’ll never see it again.”
Gee, thanks for that ray of sunshine.
“Are you ready?”
Is anyone really?
Are you guilty of any of these? What are some of the craziest things you were asked when you were pregnant?