I stumbled on an article recently, “How Inuit Parents Teach Kids To Control Their Anger,” and by stumbled, I mean I couldn’t avoid it if I tried. It’s everywhere: NPR, all the parenting websites and it’s been posted on Facebook more times than I can count. People are sharing that shit like it’s the second coming.
It’s a long article, and for those of you who don’t have seven free minutes, I’ll summarize.
Inuit parents teach toddlers to control their anger by NEVER showing their own anger. Never ever. Ever. Not once. No eye rolling. No yelling. No voice raising. Certainly no swearing, and you can forget about timeout, do overs and my personal favorite, stepping away for a minute.
Well Fuck.
The tiny dictator’s not even three and I’ve definitely yelled, I’ve certainly raised my voice and I’ve already lost track of how many times I’ve said, “Mommy’s starting to get frustrated/upset/insert slightly hostile adjective of choice here,” a big no-no for the Inuits and my go to before I have a verbal accident.
I don’t think I’m alone here, and if you tell me you’ve never once raised your voice to your own tiny human, well then I award you the Mothering Medal of Honor because you are damn Saint or a unicorn. Maybe even both.
Bottom line, this story hit me in all the feels.
So am I just an asshole? Another child throwing my own tantrum? Or a wise mother warning her daughter the boundary has been crossed and consequences are forthcoming if she doesn’t course correct?
I don’t know, but I do know I’m trying; really damn hard too.
I’m not a robot though. I have feelings, sometimes slightly violent feelings in a non-homicidal way, and suppressing them isn’t good for anybody; controlling them is another story and part of my journey as a mother.
The short version is I emulate these women, while also giving myself grace.
Now what I really want to know is how do these Inuit women control their reactions in the face of a full-scale toddler meltdown?
Do you think their kids respond to questions without having to be asked forty-seven times in a row?
Maybe these mothers do an obscene amount of yoga. Wake up, do yoga. Drink coffee, eat caribou. Do more yoga.
Maybe their little ones don’t straddle and pee on pillows for pleasure, topple their milk glass for kicks or cry hysterically when you run out of guacamole. “How dare you run out of avocados mom? You’re so basic.”
Perhaps they eat lots of kale and have claimed submission to a higher power, like the polar bear. Tell you what, I’d listen to that guy. He’s got at least a thousand pounds on me and could desperately use a manicure.
Is it feasible none of their toddlers are stage five clingers who follow them everywhere, including the bathroom? Do they get moments of peace and quiet?
Or maybe the Inuit women are on a higher dose of Zoloft than me. “Uh, excuse me doctor….”
Also, where are the men in this article? It’s like they don’t even exist. Perhaps they Inuits are a peaceful tribe of lesbians who’ve been artificially inseminated with polar bear sperm. To be honest that would make more sense than being able to keep your emotions in check 100% of the time.
Either way, whatever they’re smoking, I want some of it.
Inuit mothers, I salute you. You are some badass bitches.
Now please pass the peace pipe.
What are your thoughts on these super women?
Whatever they are smoking or on I need some badly!! My soon to be 2 year old tests me beyond my limits every damn day and I often wonder if I’m a bad mom b/c I can’t seem to ever keep my cool and/or not cuss … we’re in the lovely hitting, throwing, not eating, screaming at everything phase. Those that can keep their cool during those times are for sure badass mothers and deserve all the awards and prizes!!!
We should have awards and prizes for the mothers who keep their tongue in check and then wine for the rest of us. 🙂
Meghan recently posted…Week in Review: A Week in Pictures (#162)
HOW??? I mean, maybe because that’s just the way they’ve all been raised since the beginning of time because how does one just never show their own anger? Like ever? I’m certainly not proud of how often I show my anger, but this just seems otherworldly to me at this point. I’m a freaking emotional person and feel like I already struggle just toning down my emotions and still feel like an awful parent half the time.
Yeah, it’s tough and I’m right there with you. For me, I try not to get angry and when I do, I go back and apologize. Some days I think it’s better they see real people handle real emotions, so don’t beat yourself up (easier said than done, I know) when you do lose your cool. We’re human. We’re not perfect and that’s a good thing for us and our kids.
Meghan recently posted…Week in Review: A Week in Pictures (#162)
I don’t think the point is to be perfect all the time.
You just try and do better… and then better. And then better once again. In between handling things in a way we can be proud and a good model for our kids, we screw up.
And, as Meghan shared, apologize when you screw up.
BTW, an apology is not: “Sorry I yelled but when you (insert blame the kid.)” A real apology is owning our actions: “Sorry I yelled. Sometimes I don’t handle my emotions as well as I’d like to. Plz forgive me.”
Darlene at SugarsBeach.com recently posted…The Salty Mermaid Beach Cottage Tour
Oh. My. God! Where is that research coming from? Where are the well adjust adults now, who were raised in those perfectly adjusted climate situations to have to any idea that this is the proper way? I mean, REALLY? There aren’t any…. because this new (or old and undocumented) theory is an impossible practice to comply with. As you said, we are human, not robots and come to think of it, we aren’t trying to raise little robots either. There is no such thing as perfect. No perfect parents, no perfect children, no perfect method. If you are a believer, Jesus is perfection and that is it. If you aren’t, it’s still the same. Applying impossible to live up to standards makes for guilty feelings, feelings of inadequacy, self shame, and sometimes self harm. And a whole lot of broken parents that feel they must say they are doing the impossible while the other is leaking out and they sweep it quietly under the rug.
And that’s putting it lightly.
I did my best with my kids 45 years ago. And by today’s standards it was, in my fathers words, “a piss poor job”. Well, I believe it was hell of a lot better than my own my parents did; my biggest goal was to make sure my children knew beyond a doubt that they were loved and cherished and at the same time knew right from wrong.
And so at 18, I began the digging out of a cycle of monster parenting, with, of course some flaws. I read Dr. Spock at first, and later watched religiously, “What Every Baby Knows”, (Dr. Berry Brazelton) and I watched closely what other ‘good, better than I’ mothers around me were doing. Dr. Brazelton was the first person ever that I knew of who said to be gentle with our children and to understand them. I tried, I really did.
But try as I might, my three year old kid rubbed his green booger’s on the wall right above the toilet paper roller. He pulled his crawling brothers legs merslessly out from under him just to make him bump his chin and nose on the floor, then laugh as he cried. His first word was not “no”, he learned instead, his first phrase, “I not”. According to him, from the age of 15 months and his first phrase, he was never the perp, even with the tube of diaper cream in one hand and the rest on the wall.
I tried not to yell, and sometimes I didn’t. But then I sure was rough when i snatched the offending item away from and grabbed that skinny upper arm to drag him away for an untimely bath. I may as well have yelled. Or ‘spanked’ even, I conveyed the meanings.
My kids. Adults now, parents now. They remember that I never let them feel unloved, unprotected, uncared about, or go undisciplined especially when they did something that might have hurt another persons feelings over a physical or social situation they had no control over.
My husband and I had an emergency just two months ago and all four of them related to us how much they appreciated their upbringing for the love and being taught to be thoughtful of each other and show kindness in the world. Not one of them said they remember any of those times when I was overly tired, emotional before they’d stepped on the toad so I let them have it more than I should have. Any one of my kids would stop and help a stranger in need. They all come together when or or the other needs anything, large or tiny.
Method is nothing. Don’t beat them. Apologize when you make your mistakes and ask them for the same when they’re old enough do it. If they don’t understand the true meaning of apology so what. They will be well practiced at giving and receiving apologies when they do ‘get-it’.
And that’s it from my old timers point of view. Do your best. Apologize for your worst, give them your best time and leave them to play on their own on your worst. Tell them you love them hug them and tell more. They can’t guess that. Sorry for the length here, I got a little mad.
I salute you!
You’re amazing Grandma Lala. At the end of the day, being loved is really all that matters which is why I always tell the tiny human, “Mommy loves you when she’s happy, when she’s sad, when she’s mad, when she’s tired, when she’s frustrated.” I also apologize too which I think is huge. They need to see the big people in their lives make mistakes and then own them. I salute you as well.
Meghan recently posted…Week in Review: A Week in Pictures (#162)
And my son was writing his name I. The snow at age 4. In the front yard. Neighbor called to inform me.
I just laughed my ass off.
Happy to be of service.
Meghan recently posted…Week in Review: A Week in Pictures (#162)
Wow. I haven’t heard anything about this… could be that I don’t have kids or it could be the whole ‘otherside of the world thing’… but it will make it’s way I’m sure.
Geez I’m still trying to process it all. Are they really all the same? Do they all REALLY show no anger? Is that even healthy?
All in all the phrase ‘you do you’ comes to mind. I think they still have all the craziness that comes with babies, toddlers and kids but if they find that not rising to it works for them then ok. I know fine well it wouldn’t work for me, nor do I think it would be healthy for me to try. I guess it’s fine suppressing anger within that community but I doubt it would work in our world.
But yes it also has me thinking… what about the men???
Oh I’m sure the Inuit women still have all the toddler craziness. In truth, I think their secret to managing their anger is they LIVE with their village of helpers. Family, extended family. They’re all there so their support system is basically a live in one.
Meghan recently posted…Week in Review: A Week in Pictures (#162)
If I recall correctly from my intercultural education class, some of this stems from the believe that a child is to some extend the reincarnation of a deceased ancestor. And you wouldn’t yell at your late grandpa if he spilled some milk, right? They give them their names and (and don’t quote me on this) but I think they (sometimes) even approach their kid as ‘grandpa’ in that case.
And as Jen said, it works probably in their community but is certainly not healthy in our society. I think you’re on the save side 😉
Also just a wild (hopefully not culturally inappropriate) guess, but I think they still have very traditionally structured matriarchal families where the women is the leader of the family while the men is out hunting, fishing… at least those who still live traditionally. I might be totally wrong though, it’s just what I think I remember back from uni.
It wouldn’t surprise me if their society is structured as matriarchal and might explain where the men are. I also think they live together, family, extended family so they have their village of support literally right there. These days, I’m thinking a commune might be a good thing. 🙂
Meghan recently posted…Week in Review: A Week in Pictures (#162)
Well, the only reason I’d try not to say “Mommy’s starting to get frustrated/upset/insert slightly hostile adjective of choice here,” is because you’re putting your lack of control on the kid.
We ALL lose control or do/say things we later regret… but when I do that, I take ownership.
Like if I yell at my five year old grandson, I apologize.
He’s so sweet, he’ll say “It’s OK Sugar” …or my daughter says it’s OK cuz he can “be so frustrating.” But what I tell them both is that regardless of what he does, I have responsibility for my actions. I don’t blame him, but apologize for my behavior.
BTW, I will tell ya, what’s helped a bunch with the kids driving us crazy. There’s a book called “1-2-3 Magic: Effective Discipline for Children 2-12” and we used it on our kids 25 yrs ago, and now my daughter and her husband use it. Works like a charm!
xo, Darlene
Sigh. Damn my lack of control/temper/impatience. I certainly don’t want to gaslight my kid, but I need her to listen. This mom stuff is so hard, although for what it’s worth, I always apologize if I yell and sometimes I let her give me a “consequence.” She rather loves that last part. 🙂
I’ll check out the book. Thank you.
Meghan recently posted…Week in Review: A Week in Pictures (#162)
Tell me what you think about the book. It really is magic!!
When it stops working (just like the book says) it’s cuz the parents stopped working. The other day my son in law and I were talking about it cuz 5 yr old was back to his old behavior. We both looked at each other, and said “back to the book” haha
Too funny about daughter giving consequence. I’m sure she does love that! LOL
Book is on my Kindle now. Just need to finish my current read before I start it. 🙂
Meghan recently posted…Week in Review: A Week in Pictures (#162)
I can’t wait to hear what you think!
We thought it would take my 5 yr old grandson a couple of weeks to get the hang of it because he’s strong willed…but it only took a day.
Now I don’t even count. I just get his attention and raise one finger, then the next. By #2, he’ll say “ohhhhhh” (in great pain) and do it.
xo, Darlene 🙂
So I’m about 2/3rds of my way through the book and I found I’m actually using some of the techniques already, although with way too much talking and treating her like a little adult. Of course. 🙂 I think are biggest issues would be the “start” behavior and I’ve got some ideas to implement (charting) and see how they work.
Meghan recently posted…Week In Review: The Final Countdown Edition (#163)
I read that as intuitive. Not intuit. Oops! But actually, i think if you intuition raises a voice, then so be it. Am I wrong? I don’t think it’s wrong to be angry, it’s just how we respond or dilute it maybe? I not a mom…. obviously. 🙂 But i adore you!
That’s what I tell my little grandson Lindsay.
It’s 100% OK to feel/be angry. BUT it’s not OK to take it out on people around you. So sometimes we just sit so he can stay in his anger for a bit. Then, when he’s ready, we move on.
xo, Darlene
Great idea. I always offer the tiny human a minute to let her anger/sadness out. Sometimes, we just howl/cry together so she can see it’s OK to have emotions and it’s all in how you manage them. 🙂
Meghan recently posted…Week in Review: A Week in Pictures (#162)
Yeah… I was broght up in the South where everything was “fine.” So no matter what, my mom would tell me “It’s fine.” SO confusing for a kid because I knew I wasn’t fine. :/
Now as an adult I have to learn how to be OK feeling negative emotions. My natural tendency is to stuff them…and we all know how successful that is.
So I’m trying with my grandsons to help them trust how they feel, and that it’s OK to feel like crap sometimes.
xo, Darlene
p.s. I’ve never chatted so much in comments. LOL Great conversation!
Conversations are one of my favorite parts of blogger. It helps us connect, and we all need our village.
Thanks lovely. I try to keep the anger in check, but sometimes the tiny human is a master at pushing the buttons. Sigh, momming is hard. I’m going to move to a commune of bad ass mothers.
Meghan recently posted…Week in Review: A Week in Pictures (#162)
Communal parenting has to have its benefits and it’s
Detrimental sides; But man when ya need a break! I have a watched a few episodes of that show on polygamy and sharing more than kids… woo-eee!
I do agree kids need time to sit with their feelings for sure and for me that was what “time out” meant, nothing to do with punishment or even isolation especially for cry small under 5 year olds. I usually sat in time
out with my kids as they sorted out if they were actually angry or sad. Also through meltdowns if they were truly distraught, offering a tight bear hug if they acted like they might not be able to stop
After a few minutes. Reassurance and explanation after the storm is always necessary but giving in is not the same thing.
Parenting normally IS trying and exhausting and honestly some children really don’t cope as well as
others and knowing when to have some testing done is also helpful if they are pushing us to our last limit constantly. They aren’t happy being miserable either.
Our youngest son truly was having issues that we couldnt help him through and
it turned out that he was on the spectrum of Aspergers and sensory disorders. At 32 years old now they weren’t as in tuned to this back then and he was just considered hard to manage, complicated, ADHD, and and sensitive to too much stimulation. Little Comfort for parents to hear from a pediatric and no suggested help.
Once our now 16 year old granddaughter was Diagnosed at 17 months we saw clear why he was who he was.
I am in no way suggesting that any one else needs to have their child tested for issues, but if you feel like your little one is not just making you miserable but is also miserable himself, (unhappy more
than happy) then it’s a good thing to really have an expert with tons of experience come in and evaluate.
Honestly my second born monster drove me the most nuts. And is in 40’s and still I worry. But our youngest son who had the longest meltdowns, spun in circles for sensory input without getting dizzy, talked about his favorite things without any interest in other kids having input, used a spoon for every food item on his plate along with other ‘funny’ quirks, NEEDED help that we had no instructions for! And he is
Okay. In fact he a profoundly kind and smart and good charactered, hard working adult. We gave him a lot of room and extra time to absorb and accomplish things that came easily to others his age. And some
tough love when needed which was rare. He was hard enough on himself.
Thank you for all your advice and input. It’s invaluable coming from you. Blows kiss.
Meghan recently posted…Week in Review: A Week in Pictures (#162)
Interesting! I haven’t read the article, but I do question if it’s healthy to NEVER show anger or frustration in front of your kids. Because let’s be honest, we all get pissed off sometimes! I feel like showing frustration is a normal human emotion, so then I wonder if these kids are growing up learning to suppress their feelings? I feel like there’s a delicate balance there too, because I don’t believe in punishing your kids by talking down to them or hitting them – particularly if the physical punishment is more out of anger than as a way to parent in control & show consequences – but never EVER raising your voice?? I can already tell ya that I wouldn’t be able to do that!
Nicole @ Foodie Loves Fitness recently posted…Pregnant Life with Baby C: The First Trimester
I think the whole idea is to control your anger, as opposed to letting it get the best of you, which winds up with raised voices, yelling, crying, etc. I’m working on it, but am by no means able to control it 100% so I usually apologize and then we move on.
Congratulations by the way! I’m super excited for you.
Meghan recently posted…Week in Review: A Week in Pictures (#162)
Yikes. That is so not me! I will admit that i find myself yelling LESS now that my kids are getting older, even with 2 teenagers in the house. There was a time when I feel like I did more yelling than anything, but even though some people love little kids and think it’s so easy. Hard pass for me. I will take teenagers over newborns and toddlers any day!!! I’m MUCH more calm now than I was way back when!!
That’s what I hear too. The newborn to 5 year old stage are the hardest and then it gets more manageable (not easier mind you). 🙂
Meghan recently posted…Week in Review: A Week in Pictures (#162)
I don’t get it. But I don’t see how keeping in any form of frustration could be healthy over a long time. Unless they literally just don’t feel it. Which means they are an other worldly creation and this is our first hint at a massive discovery.
… you’re doing great. You’re an awesome baddest of badass mama.
Thanks lovely, I appreciate it. I don’t get it either. I’m just not that great at managing my emotions. Oh well, practice makes better. 🙂
Meghan recently posted…Week In Review: The Final Countdown Edition (#163)
OMG girl, you crack me up!
Awesome post, thank you!