Last May I was diagnosed with postpartum depression and anxiety.
I vividly remember getting the news. I half expected it, and I told my very supportive doctor I wasn’t surprised, as tears streamed down my face. Even though I suspected it, it was like a punch to the gut, a slap in the face and a blow to the ego. It validated all my irrational thoughts. Only a few weeks into parenting, and I was already a failure.
For the first time ever in my life, I encountered something I couldn’t handle: motherhood.
Simply put, I didn’t have the skills, the mental fortitude, the wherewithal. I wasn’t cut from the right cloth, the mold rejected me, spit me out and left me to rot on the bottom of a broken down shoe, frayed at the toes and splitting at the seams.
In the very beginning, the baby and I struggled to nurse. Suddenly words like poor latch, tube feeding, lactation support, tongue tie, and underweight dominated my thoughts. This went on for weeks until the Hubby, my own doctor, and my family all gave me permission to stop breastfeeding because they could see the toll it was taking on me and the baby.*
Nursing wasn’t our only battle either. We struggled to sleep, staying awake one long day for nine straight hours. I was home alone with an overtired wailing baby, exhausted and starving. Seven hours in, I sent frantic rage texts to the Hubby who was working, while I hid in the closet with my hands over my ears and Ave screamed in her crib. The shame was all encompassing, and even now this day haunts me.
Suffice to say, the baby and I struggled. We struggled to nurse. We struggled to sleep. We struggled to breath. We struggled to live.
There really is no preparation for those first few months of motherhood. Once the adrenaline wears off, the sleep deprivation kicks in, along with uncertainty, extreme emotional swings, a complete lack of control, unpredictability, and the mourning of your former life. Throw in a crying infant and suddenly your world is completely upended.
I found myself in a dark, damp tunnel, with no light at the end. The walls oozed with decay, rot and the claw marks from my fingernails as I tried unsuccessfully to scratch my way out.
I wanted to run away.
At the same time, I couldn’t bear to be separated from my child. Quick solo trips to the grocery store were fraught with feelings of fleeting freedom and an overwhelming, almost crushing anxiety. The longer I was gone, the more tense I would become. A one hour pedicure was agony, as my fingers drummed out the minutes on the side of the chair, becoming increasingly demanding. Even as I tried to relax, all I wanted was to get back to her. She. Needed. Me.
I’d jolt awake, panicked, in the middle of the night, convinced I rolled over in bed and crushed my baby, despite the fact she never slept in our room. Instead I would be gripping the cat in terror, as milk leaked out of my swollen breasts.
When she cried, I’d sweat and my skin would crawl with the steps of a thousand ants swarming my entire being. Even when she was sleeping peacefully, I’d hear her cries echoing through my head.
I was trapped in my own body and with my own mind.
I longed to be able to sheath my skin like a snake, step out of it’s shell, and run far, far away.
I was irritable and short tempered, and I felt the waves of failure crashing upon me minute by minute. “I. Can’t. Do. This. I can’t, I can’t, I can’t,” became the mantra in my head.
I had outbursts of rage which left me weak and screaming red faced into a pillow or wanting to put my fists through walls. I needed a physical escape, something to bear the weight of my hostility, anger, sadness and anxiety.
I needed to be someone other than me.
Simple suggestions felt like harsh criticism and words of encouragement made me feel like a fraud. The phrase, “you’re doing a great job,” brought a flood of tears because nothing could be further from the truth.
(Photo Credit: My Luce)
In the weeks leading up to that fateful doctors appointment, I often wondered if I was losing my mind. I thought there was a chance I was suffering from postpartum depression and anxiety, although I didn’t identify with the popular definition. Despite everything, I loved my kid, and I had no desire to hurt my baby or myself. I simply wanted to leave and never come back.
After the diagnosis, I left with a prescription for an anti-depressant in one hand and support hot lines in the other. Despite literal fistfuls of help, I felt shame. So much shame. Shame for not being able to will my darkness away, for not being able to put on a happy face, and mostly for not being a better mother to my baby.
I almost didn’t take the pills thinking I could work through this on my own. In the end, rationality won, and I took the medication. I opened up to my friends and family, and I made my weekly lactation meetings a priority. I recognized I needed help and I took it like a drowning woman clinging to a life preserver. I saw the strength in seeking support, and I let it heal me.
I still have fleeting moments of anger and anxiety, although I’m in a much better head space now. The dark and damp tunnel is gone, a distant memory, one I hope never to revisit.
Most importantly though, I know I’m a kick ass mother, and my kid is lucky to have me. My old mantra is gone, replaced by “I’ve got this.”
I’m sharing this because writing about it is cathartic and I want other women who experience the same thing to know they are not alone, and it’s completely normal. If you find yourself struggling, ask for help. There is no shame in it.
*Despite our issues in the beginning and against all odds, Ave and I are still breastfeeding. I’m happy to pen another post on that topic if it’s something you’re interested in reading.
Thank you for letting me Think Out Loud, Ms. Amanda.
If you are interested in learning more about mental health, please click here.
Please check out BetterHelp for more information on mental health resources.
Have you ever dealt with mental health issues? Tell me about it.
Thank you for sharing! Mommy hood is not easy! I think mothers are superheroes!
I think mothers are superheroes too. 🙂
Meghan recently posted…Postpartum Depression and Anxiety
Thank you for sharing. I know it’s not easy to open up about these kinds of things but it is so important.
When I was 19, I took a semester off from college due to depression. As a type A perfectionist, I was so, so ashamed to be “giving up” and was terrified that I was no longer on a traditional path to four-year graduation like my friends. In reality, it probably saved my life.
And it’s funny now because looking back, I would have missed out on so many travel opportunities and friendships if I had stayed on that “traditional” trajectory.
Tara recently posted…Gamcheon Culture Village
Thank you for telling me that. I didn’t know and I’m glad you stopped and took care of yourself. The traditional trajectory can be so overrated.
Meghan recently posted…Postpartum Depression and Anxiety
Beautiful post. You put a lot of my feelings into words I could never write. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.
You are most welcome. I’m glad I was able to articulate it for you.
Meghan recently posted…Postpartum Depression and Anxiety
Such brave honesty in this post, like you say I am sure sharing your experience will help so many people. And Ave too will grow up with a mother who is wholeheartedly open and truthful about life’s trials and tribulations, and that is actually invaluable.
Sending some virtual coffee and cake your way! (And cheese, obviously.)
I will take all the coffee, cake and cheese you can send. 🙂
Thank you for your lovely comment.
Meghan recently posted…Postpartum Depression and Anxiety
Thank you for sharing such a raw, real period in your life. So many people think it is ‘bad’ to talk about or share the hard stuff. This was an eye-opener to read and kudos to your doc, hubby, family, and support system – but mostly to you, for recognizing something had to change and taking those steps.
ALSO all these pics of you and A are just perfect. Magazine worthy. And YOU ARE ONE KICK-A MOTHER. Seriously.
Thanks Sunshine. I appreciate it. It wasn’t an easy post to write but it’s so important to talk about this stuff.
Meghan recently posted…Postpartum Depression and Anxiety
Hey Meghan! Even though we worked at TE together and we didn’t really know each other, Paula told me about your blogs. I love them for so may reasons!
What an awesome blog. Thank you so much for sharing. I had twin girls in June 2015 and went through PPD. I can vividly remember sitting in the girls’ nursery on the floor – holding them – and apologizing for being such a horrible mother. I also promised them that I loved them and would get better and be the best mom I could be.
Almost two years later now and things are so much easier. Being a mother is hard and we never expect that PPD could happen to “me”. Thank God for Zoloft! 🙂
Keep it up momma!
I remember you my dear, and I’m so glad you found the blog and really enjoy it.
I have no idea how you managed with twins. Things are definitely easier now although I still have trouble juggling just the one baby. You are a rock star!
Yes, amen for Zoloft!!!
Meghan recently posted…Postpartum Depression and Anxiety
such an honest and great post. thank you for sharing, I know it’s not easy. motherhood is the TOUGHEST job in the world. those first few months are absolutely beyond brutal for anyone so when our hormones get involved, it can be that much more unsettling and life altering. I recall hiding one night in the bathroom with the door locked and the water running so I couldn’t hear my son crying in his crib behind his closed door. I just didn’t know what to do with him when he wouldn’t sleep in the beginning and my husband was asleep so he could get up for work! I was so tired those nights that I was nauseous. nursing was so very challenging for me in the first month but we made it through to 16 months. I commend you for still nursing!! again, hardest job in the world, especially when home with the kids and not working. working is a tough balance but there’s a whole other balance to figure out when we are stay at home moms. looking back of course, I see how hard it was yet I wouldn’t change those days for the world. and, I throw at my son now, all of the years later, what a monster he was.
meredith @ cookie chrunicles recently posted…The Bloat Is Real (TOL)
I agree, being a mother is the hardest job, especially those first few months. It’s brutal although I’m so grateful for where we are now and that we’re still nursing. She makes me smile every day.
Meghan recently posted…Postpartum Depression and Anxiety
❤
Love you too.
Meghan recently posted…Postpartum Depression and Anxiety
“I know I’m a kick ass mother, and my kid is lucky to have me.” Why is it so hard to tell ourselves this? There’s just so much pressure to get everything right…automatically because we’re the mom. I remember the panic attacks whenever I left the twins…pedicures WERE torture and I remover hiding in the bathroom while they cried. Somehow it was worse with them than Charlie. With him everyone expected me to lose my mind.
Jamie@TheMomGene recently posted…Roll with It…Adaptive Living
Except twins is double the chaos. I can’t even manage especially since I struggled so much with just one. You are a rock star!!
Meghan recently posted…Postpartum Depression and Anxiety
Thank you so much for writing this post. I’m a frequent reader but not so frequent commenter. It’s amazing what a stigma there (still!) is around mental health issues. Taking care of our mental health is just as important (if not more so) than taking care of our physical health. I know that I’ve found psychotherapy incredibly helpful for managing anxiety and move past some personal struggles. I’ve had times where a partner or family member would say something that would momentarily make me ashamed of it, but I’m glad I’ve continued to make mental health a priority. It’s helped me so much.
Jess @ Keeping It Real Food recently posted…Zucchini Feta Chicken Meatballs
Unless you’ve gone through something like this or been close to someone who struggles with anxiety and depression, I think it’s hard for people to relate. So often they want you to just relax, don’t worry or cheer up when the solution is so much more complicated. Thank you for commenting and sharing a bit of your story with me. I appreciate it and I’ll check out the psychotherapy. I know daily meditation is great for handling anxiety too.
Meghan recently posted…Postpartum Depression and Anxiety
Motherhood is no joke. In my case, I wasn’t exactly surprised when I was diagnosed with PPD… it was kind of expected and I was warned over and over to watch for the signs because I have a history of Depression and Anxiety. I admit, though, I wasn’t expecting just how intense it would hit after each of my kids was born. I felt like I was losing my mind and I cried all the time and felt like an absolute failure as a mother. I couldn’t nurse my kids (apparently my body is just not able to produce enough milk) and that was the first moment I felt like an utter failure. At least with my daughter, I was more prepared for this, but my emotions once again were all over the place. I was all too ready to go back to my midwives and beg for some pills to help me get through the day. I’m really, really glad that babies don’t remember the bad days because there were definitely more than enough to go around. Sometimes it’s hard to look at pictures of myself during their early months, though because I just look like a shell… a sad, sad shell. I think more women need to share their experiences – it’s so common and so treatable.
Heather Shoberg recently posted…I see spring on the horizon!
Agreed. We need to talk about this stuff more because too many women suffer in silence. Those crazy hormones are no joke and they hijack your brain. Lack of sleep certainly doesn’t help either.
Despite the rougher start, your kids are so happy and healthy so you obviously did a lot right.
Meghan recently posted…Week in Review: Sunshine, Social and Sickness (#71)
thank you Megan for sharing this; i know this is such a real battle, and it was so honest and real of you to share it all here. You are a good mama, and I can see your love shining for your baby.
Emily recently posted…Saying ‘No’ to the Food Police! (Podcast #4) – Nicole’s Story
Thanks Emily. I appreciate that. It was a tough post to write, but well worth it.
Meghan recently posted…Week in Review: Sunshine, Social and Sickness (#71)
Thanks for sharing this. You are, and always will be, a kick ass mom in my view.
Why thank you. I appreciate that and these days, I can even agree with it. 🙂
Meghan recently posted…Week in Review: Sunshine, Social and Sickness (#71)
Some of the strongest people I know, who also I’ve watched be AMAZING mothers, have gone through this. As an outsider, and someone who is not a mother, it is hard and confusing to watch. You see a friend struggle, but in your opinion she is kicking ass. Breastfeeding, doing laundry, eating well, and managing to get her hair washed all while taking care of an infant.
I feel like this is definitely something that ISN’T talked about enough – I don’t think many women, myself included, know how PPD can manifest itself. Women shouldn’t have to think something is WRONG – there isn’t. You just birthed a human, you didn’t grow a 3rd arm, this is normal, and it’s not happening to just you, or just one woman.
I hope someone who needs this sees this. It’s VERY well written.
Thank you Jessie. I agree. I think too many women suffer in silence with PPD, which is why I chose to share my story. I truly hope it helps someone.
Meghan recently posted…Week in Review: Sunshine, Social and Sickness (#71)
Atta girl. You’re so strong.
I got out-patient hospitalized with a debilitating anxiety disorder when I was 21, right after my first son Jake was born. I was given Paxil for long-term, and Ativan for short term panic attacks. I had always struggled with anxiety, but the act of growing and giving birth to a baby tipped me over the edge, which, I’m thankful for, because then I finally got help and relief. We are lucky enough to have a “Reproductive Psychiatry Unit” right in the middle of Women’s Hospital in Vancouver, BC (a then 30 minute drive for me) and I needed it, and so did a zillion other women. If anyone wants to read more about my anxiety struggle, it’s on my blog in one of the headings at the top.
This post was so well-written. I could feel each and every word you wrote.
“I saw the strength in seeking support, and I let it heal me.” Those simple words will save lives. If only everyone could adopt them as their own.
<3
Suzy recently posted…Overboard
Love you. Thanks for your support.
Meghan recently posted…Week in Review: Sunshine, Social and Sickness (#71)
Thank you, thank you, thank you for “coming clean” about a very sensitive subject. Although I never suffered from PostPartum Depression, I found myself, a full five years after my husband’s death, still breaking down in tears about three times a week. I had done ALL the recommended things after he died and still…and still. I finally saw a psychiatrist who recommended anti-depressants. I fought that like crazy…I felt I could overcome this because I was a “strong” person. Finally, I was so desperate I “gave in”…WOW! What a difference! Suddenly, I could talk about and reminisce about my late-husband without that dark cloud overcoming me! I LOVE every one of your posts…and I am so happy to see now your courage…just know that there are LOTS of people pulling for you…
You are most welcome, and I’m so very sorry to hear about the loss of your husband. I would love to hear a bit about him if you’d care to share.
Getting help is the best thing we can do for ourselves and yet we’re stubborn and fight it too often. I’m glad I sought support. I needed it and there’s no shame in that.
I’m thrilled you enjoy the blog. I love hearing from new people, especially those who read quietly.
Meghan recently posted…Week in Review: Sunshine, Social and Sickness (#71)
I think sharing is caring, and the harder it is the more important and helpful it is for yourself and others too! I had PPD with my third child, after believing that I knew exactly what to expect of newborn life! What a shock it was. I actually hid it for about 9 months, and just tried to carry on. Thankfully my baby was a blissful little guy who never cried unless he needed fed and he loved his naps and bedtime schedule. Inside though I was dying and couldn’t seem to bond. 35 years ago, people just weren’t allowed to have mental health problems. Finally it all came pouring out to my husband and he saw to it that I got some help. I’ll never stop being grateful for that, because I was able to feel love and joy for my little guy finally, and be prepared when the next, forth baby came along!
I am so glad to know that you’re seeing the sun again and that the dark and black thoughts have lifted. I know them and they are tortuous. If one person reads your post and sees herself in it, gets help, then think of the good you’ve done!
I think you’re husband sounds like a wonderful guy.
Motherhood is no joke and I’m so amazed you created, nurtured and harbored an entire brood. You get two snaps and a cookie from me. 🙂
Meghan recently posted…Week in Review: Sunshine, Social and Sickness (#71)
“I need to be someone other than me.” I think that’s so at the core of what depression and anxiety can do to you. Because when it takes over, it literally takes over and you are not yourself anymore. I am glad you took the medication. It’s not failing to be sick. When you break your arm you wouldn’t deny a cast either. It’s just what your body needs to heal.
I love that you shared this. You’re one of the strongest people I know. And when it can happen to you it just shows that it can happen to anyone. No matter how strong or determinded you are.
Also you’ve got this! <3
Juli@1000lovelythings recently posted…Week in Review – The Untitled Edition
You’re exactly right and that’s what convinced me to change my mind and take the medication. If it was a broken limb, I’d treat it AND if it was anyone else going through,I’d tell them to take the meds and there was no shame in it. It’s funny how our minds can keep us sick if we let them.
Meghan recently posted…Week in Review: Sunshine, Social and Sickness (#71)
Thanks for your honesty, Meg. I have so much admiration for parents of young children; they sacrifice so much.
I’ve just gone back on my anxiety meds too. I thought I could do without. Ha, ha.
Joyce @ The Hungry Caterpillar recently posted…WIAW: Why Is This So Hard?
No shame in it. It’s good you’re back on the meds. Sometimes we need a little chemical enhancement to change the way our brains think.
Meghan recently posted…Week in Review: Sunshine, Social and Sickness (#71)
You are an incredibly amazing and brave woman. The more women talk about this, the more they’ll realize they’re not alone, not failures, not broken. I’ve struggled with depression and anxiety my whole life. While I don’t know the baby part of it, I’ve hid in my share of closets. Vegas should probably start running now. 😉
Laura @ Sprint 2 the Table recently posted…Seeing Red on Valentine’s Day [WIAW]
I’ll hide in the closet with you anytime.
Also thank you. You were so incredibly helpful through this entire thing. I love you.
Meghan recently posted…Week in Review: Sunshine, Social and Sickness (#71)
This is my biggest fear for when we have kids. Seriously, I’m so glad you shared this because it makes us all human. We struggle. We share. We support. We heal. Together. I love you friend
It was my biggest fear too and I even tried to eat foods that would battle PPD in anticipation. Clearly it didn’t work BUT don’t let this be a deterrent for you. It sucks but it’s survivable and the end result is absolutely worth it. Love you too, Baby.
Meghan recently posted…Week in Review: Sunshine, Social and Sickness (#71)
I hate you’ve gone through this but I’m so glad you’re sharing with others.
Your description of your PP experience is eerily similar to mine. I never wanted to hurt my child, but I spent many moments crying on the floor, wondering what I’d gotten myself into. We had weight gain and latch issues early on, too (thank GOD I saw a lactation consultant who eased my mind).
I wouldn’t have made it without my husband as my support and I hate that I didn’t get help sooner. Since my experience wasn’t textbook, I thought I was just a failure. It wasn’t until I started weaning at 15 months (yep, weaning depression is a thing, too!) that I realized maybe I had experienced PPD/PPA.
Take care…you’re clearly an awesome mommy to Ave!
Catherine @ A Cup of Catherine recently posted…When To Stay On Brand And When To Speak Out
It does sound similar. I knew something wasn’t right and I absolutely felt like I was failing at motherhood, but I didn’t realize it was PPD. Thankfully I got help. Also lactation support consultants are amazing. I went to a weekly group and it was a lifeline for me.
Meghan recently posted…Week in Review: Sunshine, Social and Sickness (#71)
I’m glad you continued nursing. We had all of those same issues. Tongue and lip tie, revision, supplementing with pumped milk, etc. It took 6 weeks for my daughter to return to birth weight and then months of her always being 2% for weight and me freaking out over that.
Now when friends have a baby and say they want to nurse I’m like “Are you Ok? Nothing is TMI. I can help.” I feel like the nursing struggles did rob the joy from the first few weeks/months for us but it’s something I wanted to do badly for her. For something that is so “natural” it sure was challenging. When it works out “easy” for new moms I am happy for them but I’m also kind of like “What the heck? Why was it so hard for us?”
Anyway, I never had PPD but definitely many rough days. I know another mom who had PPD/anxiety and she told me she would envision her daughter drowning in the tub, car crashes, random stuff like that. Never had that so I figured I just had normal mom stress. It’s still hard and probably always will be.
Holly recently posted…4 Important Things I Refuse to Cut Back on No Matter What
Yep, hard is definitely one way to put it. I think nursing and getting through the first few months is the hardest thing I’ve ever done. I’m so glad I stuck with the nursing. Those weekly Wednesday morning groups were a huge help. Thank god for Penny!!
Meghan recently posted…Week in Review: Sunshine, Social and Sickness (#71)
Yes, you do have this.
Thank you, Meg. You are so strong — and that is not to elicit any feelings of failure or fraud-ery. I really think you are. I know what the deep tunnel feels like, and I know what it feels like to want to be anyone but yourself. However I have not experienced anything close to what it would feel like having a baby so attached to all of these feelings. It must have felt so scary. So, so scary. I’m so sorry you had to feel that.
I hope you know just how amazing you are by being able to share this with us. You’ve been such a role model to me for some time now, and I think somehow you just bumped yourself up yet another few notches. You help so many people – myself included – and I hope with all my heart you continue to give yourself the help you deserve as well. <3 to you and Ave.
Cora recently posted…Questions for Bloggers and Readers
What a lovely comment. In fact, I think you’re making me blush. I’ve always prided myself on being able to handle anything and I’ve been through some shit, so this really shook me. Thankfully I got help and I got better, which in itself is a sign of strength. I can see that now, but damn it’s hard at the time. Our brains play tricks on us.
Blows kiss.
Meghan recently posted…Week in Review: Sunshine, Social and Sickness (#71)
I know how it feels when you can’t escape your own mind and body… It’s something I wouldn’t wish on anyone.
Sharing your story will help so many realise they are not alone. But it will also help you too. I know telling my story and giving support to others gives me a release, time to reflect and also in a way gives sense of disconnection from a illness that took part of my life.
Asking for help and allowing others to help… Changes your world.
Jen @ Chase the Red Grape recently posted…Sharing the love 5 ways #5TTT
You said it, asking for help and allowing others to help…it’s a game changer, right up there along with having a baby. 🙂 🙂
I needed to share this. There are too many women who suffer in silence, and I want them to know they do not need to feel ashamed.
Meghan recently posted…Week in Review: Sunshine, Social and Sickness (#71)
I might not be a Mom and will never be but I know everything about anxiety, panic attacks and depression. You are a hero, to me, to Ave and everyone who is lucky to have you in their lives. Thank you for being my friend!
Luce@FitSwissChick recently posted…Motherhood as the ultimate lifegoal – and why I disagree.
You are my hero and my rock. Thank you for being there for me.
Meghan recently posted…Week in Review: Sunshine, Social and Sickness (#71)
Thank you for this lovely. I’ve always appreciated your honesty, and while I don’t have kids myself, this is a major fear I have about having kids and it’s nice to hear someone tell their story from the other side. Thank you for being you. There is nothing shameful in that!
No shame in my game…or at least not anymore.
PPD was a fear of mine too. It was like I knew it would happen to me. It was hard, and it definitely sucked but don’t let it deter you. In the end I survived it and the result is this tiny amazing creature who I adore. Basically she was worth it, but don’t tell her I said that. I wouldn’t want her getting a big head. 😉
Meghan recently posted…Week in Review: Sunshine, Social and Sickness (#71)
Oh my goodness. I knew this, but I didn’t KNOW this. I am so in awe of you, you just continue to amaze and inspire me. Thank you for sharing this, I am confident you will help MANY new mothers with being so open.
Thanks sunshine. Love you.
Meghan recently posted…Week in Review: Sunshine, Social and Sickness (#71)
your heart, courage, and strength are just remarkable and beautiful. it’s a one day at a time thing, sometimes it’s one hour at a time. it’s a struggle of so many intense emotions, there are such tremendous highs and lows each day that it’s no wonder we are left like a ball of messy goo. your journey is my journey, your highs and lows., you’rew never in this thing alone, you know that but for me sometimes i’ve felt isolated. i know i’m not. every day even on the downs, i am amazed at how in love i feel, and realize no matter how down it’s still worth it all. love you XO
danielle recently posted…WIR sleep less play more
You are not alone either my dear. I’m always here for you, and I can’t wait for you to come visit so I can meet Ms. Lulu in person and squish those cheeky cheeks.
Meghan recently posted…Week in Review: Sunshine, Social and Sickness (#71)
First of all, thank you for sharing this, Meghan. I would not have guessed otherwise. Vulnerability is tough so I really appreciate you showing up and being real with us. I am glad to hear that you have made it out of that tunnel and are in a better place mentally right now. You ARE a kick-ass mom and overall person. Ave is so lucky to have you. Being a parent is the hardest job in the world and I have to send all my praise to you because I have no clue how I would do it.
Kaylee recently posted…Recent Eats: February
You would do it and get it through it mainly because that’s what we do as women. We never really know how strong we are until we challenge ourselves and emerge on the other side. Life is a series of curve balls and we may swing and miss but eventually we learn to knock it out of the park.
Meghan recently posted…Week in Review: Sunshine, Social and Sickness (#71)
Meg, I said it on IG and I’ll say it again: you are amazing for sharing this post and I appreciate it so so much.
I’ve struggled with mental health issues since high school and never really dealt with it properly, so it keeps on popping up in new forms throughout my life. For the past few years it’s been manifesting itself as anxiety. I kept on trying to tell myself I just worry too much, but I know it’s more than that. In the past few weeks I’ve picked up the phone to make an appointment with a therapist a number of times, but end up putting it back down. You’ve given me the push I needed to follow through and make an appointment. <3
Chelsea A recently posted…Separating Self Worth From Food Choices
I’m so glad this post resonated with you and I’m thrilled to be the last little push you needed to make an appointment.
I can’t wait to see you again this summer. It looks like we’ll be in Canada the last week of July. Pencil us in.
Meghan recently posted…Week in Review: Sunshine, Social and Sickness (#71)
Wow. After reading this I have both no words and way too many. First, I’m so sorry you had/are going through this likely terrifying and self-doubt evoking time. While I’m obviously no mother myself [yet?] I just the thought of motherhood, the responsibilty and unpredictable life changes it involves scare me. I have so much respect for you and even more for asking for and accepting help. There’s no shame whatsoever in that. Mental health issues – despite being invisible to those around us – are no joke. I know from experience.
I hope you won’t take it a wrong way if I say this is one of your best – and likely most impactful and empowering to fellow mums – posts to date, Because of its raw honesty and providing insight that many people would elsewise never get. Not sure if you submitted it to Scary Mommy but they’d be fools not accepting it.
Okay, that’s what you/I get from my idea of commenting late at night but on a final note: you are a kickass mum and kickass writer. You rock.
Miss Polkadot recently posted…Rinse. Repeat. Rest.
What a lovely comment, and I do intend to submit this post to Scary Mommy. In fact I probably should do it right now before the babe wakes up from her nap. I’d like this post to reach as many people as possible because too many women suffer in silence, and that makes me sad.
Meghan recently posted…Currently: February 2017
When the day comes that someone shares a series of events and feelings the way you did and it no longer feels like confession, it just feels like a recap of serious events (like describing a car wreck) then we will know that we have arrived. I work tirelessly with my client’s to NORMALIZE what you just described. To open my office and my arms to welcome our amazing dysfunction with kindness, education and reality. And humor. Because I remember hovering over my screaming infant at 2 weeks old shouting at her to “stop that fucking crying! CAN’T YOU SEE I’M EXHAUSTED?!?” (she clearly didn’t see it. dammit.)
I will not don my therapist cap too tightly and go off for hours on this subject, but let me just say that for every word you pen about the scorching hellscape of post partum depression, you are working to normalize and educate the world. And so we are one step closer to arriving in a reality that respects our cellular differences and failures and successes.
Also, what a family you have. Cheers to them. For listening and not freaking out. For soothing without blame. For accepting and honoring where you were AT, because families and friends have to get comfortable with the uncomfortable feelings and behaviors that happen when we transition in life. Either by birth, by death, or whatever.
Also, I have found that naming my post partum belly fat is strangely cathartic. Mine’s name is Delores. And boy howdy, she’s got an attitude.
Delores has a nice ring to it. I like that, and I LOVE hearing from you. I hope all is well in your little neck of the woods and the chickens are laying eggs a plenty and the soaping is going smoothly. So fresh and so clean, clean.
It’s interesting looking back on the PPD. I don’t think I knew just how bad it was when I was actually in it, although I knew the shame wasn’t right. If it was anyone else, I would have soothed them, medicated them and told them it’s normal. Why oh why can’t we do the same for ourselves when we’re in thick of it. I mean, ultimately I did so that’s good, but damn it was hard. Also I absolutely wanted to get the message out there because this is one of those things where a lot of women suffer in silence and that’s no bueno.
Miss you.