Once upon a time, I declared myself an expert on life and peppered you with my pearls of wisdom, obtained from the school of street smarts and hard knocks, where all the good Catholic girls wore boxers and a chastity belt beneath their super short plaid skirts.
Having zero credentials to back up this claim didn’t stop me in the slightest then and isn’t going to amount to a hill of frankfurters now. Mainly because I’ve decided it’s high time to share my knowledge again, this time on parenting newborns; dusts off shoulder and cracks knuckles.
With an entire year of motherhood under my belt, coupled with a postpartum depression diagnosis, I’m pretty much the Rolls Royce of Momdom, a crackerjack caretaker if you will. That could also be the Zoloft talking too, but whatever.
In any event, I’m passing along the bits and bobs of information I’ve gleaned in the last year or so mainly because we’re all in this together, and if you’re a new mom, I feel your pain…er, I mean love.
Parenting Pearls of Wisdom – The Newborn Edition
Three words: Emotional. Roller. Coaster.
It gets better, I promise.
Apologize to your partner for the less than lovely things you muttered at 3 a.m. and again at 5 a.m. and maybe even at 8 a.m., although by that point it’s hard to remember.
Sleep deprivation for weeks on end is nothing like pulling an all nighter in college.
Coffee is your friend and the key to your survival.
A swab of deodorant and a swipe of mascara is the equivalent to a shower.
Single parents are superheros.
Find a support group and go to it often.
Ask for help.
Don’t fuck with nap time. For real.
And if you’re lucky enough to have one of those babies that sleeps anywhere, anytime, I’m happy for you. Cough, chokes on jealousy, cough.
Speaking of naps, if the child is fed, clean and happy, put them down wide awake as often as possible, so they learn to send themselves off to happy dreamland.
Breast is good. Formula is great. FED IS BEST.
Some days you will eat your feelings. In fact, that’s why Betty Crocker made cupcakes. She was a mother of seven (I just made that up).
Bring your A game to the party, but realize your backup team isn’t too shabby either.
Expect them to make an appearance by 2 o’clock every single day.
Breastfeeding may burn calories, but it also makes you hungrier than a two ton elephant riding a steamship sized vat of steroids.
Keep wine close by. It’s almost as important as coffee.
Look in a mirror before you leave the house; there’s a good chance there’s oatmeal in your eyebrow or yogurt smeared across your forehead.
Cut yourself some slack, and by some, I mean lots.
Baby nails make Freddy Krueger’s right hand look like a back scratcher. Good luck trimming those things.
It’s just a phase. It’s just a phase. It’s just a phase.
It’s not unreasonable to find a dried up booger clinging to your breast.
Changing diapers isn’t all that bad. I’m just as shocked as you are about this statement.
Baby Einstein videos are a life saver.
Don’t be an asshat and judge other parents and kids. Instead, take care of you and yours and you’ll be just fine.
Recognize you are no longer in charge, although it’s good to let them think you are.
In summary, nothing anyone can say, myself included, can truly prepare you for those first few months of parenthood. Hang on, hold tight and get ready for the ride of your life.
What are your parenting pearls of wisdom?
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SHHHHHH LOVE THIS. I might need to put you on speed dial…. is it pathetic how much I am looking forward to/excited for zee baby? Even though I know I am going to be thrown into a out-of-control, sleep-deprived, poopy, tiny human roller coaster? Sigh.
“it gets better I promise” ….. I almost want to make this into wall art and hang it above, like, the poppy diaper station or something. Words of wisdom. And yes, wine will be mommy’s friend, asking for help, and support group – I am all about that. You are super hero mom and Baby A is one lucky gal.
ALSO – we are having a girl. So like send me your old clothes, yo.
(kidding but not really… )
You can absolutely put me on speed dial. I kind of expect it.
There’s nothing pathetic about it. It’s awesome you’re so excited.
So my sister-in-law just had a baby girl and she’s gotten all the hand me downs, but I’ll save the next batch for you. Think the one year stuff, which you’ll need because everybody buys newborn stuff.
Meghan recently posted…Parenting Pearls of Wisdom – The Newborn Edition
OMG Baby Newton was my son’s favorite baby Einstein video. I literally had it on repeat all day long! ah the memories. There is nothing harder than being a parent, especially that first year. and thank you for calling single parents super heroes. sometimes I forget that doing just about everything myself is hard. I’m just used to it I guess. even when my husband was around those first few years, I still did everything basically myself lol.
meredith (The Cookie ChRUNicles) recently posted…Need An Escape, SOS & On This Day
Baby Newton was my son’s favorite too!!!!
Jamie@TheMomGene recently posted…6 Reasons Self-Driving Cars are Perfect for Parents
Checking out Baby Newton now….
Those first three months were kind of hell with a side of sweet baby. I really appreciate you emailing me and checking it. Thank you for that. Blows kiss.
Meghan recently posted…Parenting Pearls of Wisdom – The Newborn Edition
Love this Meg! Especially check the mirror. I found brownie batter (or poop, I didn’t stop to do sniff check) in my hair yesterday.
Here’s a pearl for you: “Reverse the locks on your child’s door when they become a threenager and refuse to stay in their room.” They can talk about it with their therapist later.
I’m definitely locking her in, CPS be damned. 🙂
I forget to mention the time she pooped on me in the bath tub. Oops.
Meghan recently posted…Parenting Pearls of Wisdom – The Newborn Edition
Just keep rocking your party shoes, then it won’t matter what kind of shit (literally?) you have on your face.
You’re a rockstar. A hella good mom AND a rockstar.
Cora recently posted…Hard Decisions, (Crappy) Job Luck and Typical Life Timing
Aw shucks. Thanks lovely. I appreciate that.
Meghan recently posted…Parenting Pearls of Wisdom – The Newborn Edition
Baby Einstein videos is probably the best parenting advice I’ve got. WHO’S YOUR MOMMA?!? Those things saved my life and drained my laptop battery on the regular. I can’t really add anything to this list! You nailed it!
Suzy recently posted…Food for Thought
The Baby EInstein advice came from YOU! Thank you. Blows kiss.
Meghan recently posted…Parenting Pearls of Wisdom – The Newborn Edition
Haha, love these! I almost forgot about Baby Einstein videos – my kids loved those! I don’t have too many more pearls of wisdom to add except to try and have a good sense of humor. As soon as you can try and see the hilarity in some of those really hard moments. I remember so many horrible moments where I wanted to cry and sometimes all I needed was to remind myself to take a deep breath, look at the situation from a different perspective and realize how ridiculous the situation really was. It doesn’t always work, but it’s worth a try.
Heather Shoberg recently posted…Road Trip Part 3 – Disneyland!
Oh yes, a sense of humor is everything. Without one, I don’t know how anyone survives that first year.
Meghan recently posted…Parenting Pearls of Wisdom – The Newborn Edition
perfection!!! fist bumping you right now mama. seriously. i learned that baby wipes are not just for pee or poop. i keep baby wipes everywhere and they are a great stain remover if i catch it quickly. we are eating food all over sometimes and we (meaning lulu) dribbles and drops stuff. baby wipes to the rescue. i also use them to wipe the stuff off my clothes as i’m running out the door or heading into work 😀
Yes, I forgot about your baby wipe obsession. It’s like the My Big Fat Greek version of Windex, but better!!
Meghan,
I’m slightly sad that baby einstein didn’t exist or if it did wasn’t on my radar screen.
Sigh.
Oh well. They’ve got youtube as teenagers . . .
Lovely post–well done keeping it real.
Kirsten recently posted…Asparagus Goat Cheese Muffins #MuffinMonday
I think Sesame Street is the Baby Einstein equivalent. Gotta love some Big Bird.
Meghan recently posted…Parenting Pearls of Wisdom – The Newborn Edition
Having you watched you and my other mom friends go through this baby thing… I cannot even imagine being a single parent. Especially to more than one child! Mind boggling. There wouldn’t be enough wine in the world…
Laura @ Sprint 2 the Table recently posted…Super Clean Day of WIAW Eats… and Wine
You get through it mainly with the help of wine and great friends such as yourself. Thank you for everything during that time. I am forever grateful for your support. It means the world to me.
Meghan recently posted…Parenting Pearls of Wisdom – The Newborn Edition
As you can imagine I have no words of wisdom, nor do I wish to preach any. You really don’t know what you would or wouldn’t do in a situation if you have never been there.
All I can do is stand at a distance and go ‘damn that woman is a hero without a cape’…. We should get you a cape…
Jen @ Chase the Red Grape recently posted…Why I will never tell you to hustle #5TTT
You’re right. I do need a cape, preferably one to match my party shoes!
Meghan recently posted…Parenting Pearls of Wisdom – The Newborn Edition
Oh man. I don’t even know where to begin. As always, I love the comical spin on the real life events. Makes this kinda stuff semi relate-able (but not really?) for those of us sans child. I find myself chanting “it’s just a phase” for my own life being, let alone another human. Bless you for all that you do. Also, single parenting…I bow to my mothers feet for raising me AND my autistic sister alone. WOOF.
Brittany recently posted…Where I Find My Therapy
I wouldn’t have understand any of this really if I hadn’t birthed the babe. It’s a game changer for sure, and your mother is amazing. Tell her I said so please.
Meghan recently posted…Parenting Pearls of Wisdom – The Newborn Edition
This is great! When I first saw the title I was like great, it will be a post about cleaning everything babies drop, and all this super parenting mumbo jumbo. TO my delight this is real life parenting stuff you have right here! Thank you for being real. Such a good post, I laughed out loud.
Patrick@looneyforfood.com recently posted…Whipped Egg Whites and Massive Oatmeal Recipe
The five second rule is very much present in my house or else half my child’s meals would be sacrificed to the floor. 🙂
When we had our first born, it was so difficult. We had sleep deprivation for months. My daughter was very hard to settle, and she also had colic; cried from 6 pm to 10 pm each night. Also took 2 hours of crying in the afternoon before being able to sleep. All the books we had on sleep training did not work, and we were cradling and patting her to sleep. We found it difficult to even sit down for a cup of tea in the first 3 weeks. We thought we were to blame for not being able to settle her.
However, now we know every child is different. Our next baby was an easy settler. Applying the technique we used from the book worked. I did the sleep training, and at 4 months old, I got my son to sleep through 8 hours at night.
Leo Tat recently posted…Best Vitamin C Supplements to Take
They really are all different. I had to walk up and down the stairs with Ave because it was one of the few things that could soothe her to sleep. Needless to say, my quads and glutes were in great shape despite my mental fatigue.
Meghan recently posted…Week in Review: Farms, Farmers Markets, and Food (#84)
Well, as a pregnant gal ready to welcome her first in a few months … this post is eye-opening and scary. 🙂 heheheh! Oh the joys! I can’t wait to learn it first-hand!
Ashley @ A Lady Goes West recently posted…Weekend fun, SoulCycle class, old friends and weekly workouts
Sorry I scared you. Those first few months are wonderful, magical and hellish. There’s really no other way to describe it. The great news though is it gets better day by day, week by week and now it seems almost a lifetime ago. You’ll find Google is your best friend and the What To Expect app for your phone is pretty good too. You can always shoot me an email too. I’m happy to provide advice or a shoulder.
Meghan recently posted…Week in Review: Farms, Farmers Markets, and Food (#84)
Haha love this! Baby Einstein videos used to be my kids’ favorite too!