Once upon a time, I declared myself an expert on life and peppered you with my pearls of wisdom, obtained from the school of street smarts and hard knocks, where all the good Catholic girls wore boxers and a chastity belt beneath their super short plaid skirts.
Having zero credentials to back up this claim didn’t stop me in the slightest then and isn’t going to amount to a hill of frankfurters now. Mainly because I’ve decided it’s high time to share my knowledge again, this time on parenting newborns; dusts off shoulder and cracks knuckles.
With an entire year of motherhood under my belt, coupled with a postpartum depression diagnosis, I’m pretty much the Rolls Royce of Momdom, a crackerjack caretaker if you will. That could also be the Zoloft talking too, but whatever.
In any event, I’m passing along the bits and bobs of information I’ve gleaned in the last year or so mainly because we’re all in this together, and if you’re a new mom, I feel your pain…er, I mean love.
Parenting Pearls of Wisdom – The Newborn Edition
Three words: Emotional. Roller. Coaster.
It gets better, I promise.
Apologize to your partner for the less than lovely things you muttered at 3 a.m. and again at 5 a.m. and maybe even at 8 a.m., although by that point it’s hard to remember.
Sleep deprivation for weeks on end is nothing like pulling an all nighter in college.
Coffee is your friend and the key to your survival.
A swab of deodorant and a swipe of mascara is the equivalent to a shower.
Single parents are superheros.
Find a support group and go to it often.
Ask for help.
Don’t fuck with nap time. For real.
And if you’re lucky enough to have one of those babies that sleeps anywhere, anytime, I’m happy for you. Cough, chokes on jealousy, cough.
Speaking of naps, if the child is fed, clean and happy, put them down wide awake as often as possible, so they learn to send themselves off to happy dreamland.
Breast is good. Formula is great. FED IS BEST.
Some days you will eat your feelings. In fact, that’s why Betty Crocker made cupcakes. She was a mother of seven (I just made that up).
Bring your A game to the party, but realize your backup team isn’t too shabby either.
Expect them to make an appearance by 2 o’clock every single day.
Breastfeeding may burn calories, but it also makes you hungrier than a two ton elephant riding a steamship sized vat of steroids.
Keep wine close by. It’s almost as important as coffee.
Look in a mirror before you leave the house; there’s a good chance there’s oatmeal in your eyebrow or yogurt smeared across your forehead.
Cut yourself some slack, and by some, I mean lots.
Baby nails make Freddy Krueger’s right hand look like a back scratcher. Good luck trimming those things.
It’s just a phase. It’s just a phase. It’s just a phase.
It’s not unreasonable to find a dried up booger clinging to your breast.
Changing diapers isn’t all that bad. I’m just as shocked as you are about this statement.
Baby Einstein videos are a life saver.
Don’t be an asshat and judge other parents and kids. Instead, take care of you and yours and you’ll be just fine.
Recognize you are no longer in charge, although it’s good to let them think you are.
What are your parenting pearls of wisdom?