Holy hell, that title is mouthful, which is exactly how I got into this mess.
Wait, am I even allowed to say that anymore?
Crap, this child is going to be decked out in permanent earmuffs.
In case you missed it, I’ve got a bun in the oven. I’m knocked up, harboring a fugitive, in a family way.
Suffice to say, I never expected to find myself in this predicament and yet, here we are; fifteen weeks along and counting.
Since the cat’s out of the bag now, I thought it would be fun to share my random ramblings and senseless mutterings from my First Trimester, Out Loud of course. Thanks Spoons for hosting.
Disclaimer: if you’re squeamish, you might want to skip this post because I’m not one to sugarcoat things, unless of course baked goods are involved. Then all bets are off.
Thoughts From My First Trimester
- HOLY SHIT! HOLY SHIT! HOLY SHIT!
- How did this happen? Aside from the obvious.
- The Hubby returns to the roost in July; I’m pregnant by the end of August.
- Man he works fast.
- Mad monkey loving can leave a pretty powerful mark, and I don’t mean a love bite either.
(source)
- What’s that smell?
- Get it away from me.
- Why do I suddenly have the nose of a bloodhound?
- Seriously, my pointer is poppin’.
- Oh no, my stomach of steel has turned to stomach of shaky.
(source)
- Can’t eat.
- Have to eat.
- The sight of raw meat and fish makes me want to vomit.
- I will take all the greasy fats though.
- Fried, even better.
- Must eat green things.
- Must eat green things.
- Must eat green things.
- Balance.
- I think longingly of my last alcoholic beverage.
- Thank you Instagram for letting me know exactly when that was.
- I kiss the Hubby hello. I taste my Kombucha beer on his lips.
- I think I might harm him.
- I am the most impatient person in the world. Top five anyway, how is this going to work?
- Wow, diapers are freaking expensive.
- Why are there so many different kinds? Can we just come up with one good one people?
- It’s going to take me nine damn months to read this bloody book.
- Is there an Cliff notes version? Or how about Pregnancy for Dummies?
- I think I need that.
- Will I ever stop yawning?
- Maybe I can just take a nap here.
- The person who suggests exercise as a way to beat pregnancy fatigue needs to be beaten. Now if only I could muster enough energy to drag my weary carcass off the floor. Maybe tomorrow.
(source)
- Shots, Shots, Shots…. in the ass. Yeah, definitely not as much fun.
- I am officially a walking pin cushion, a science experiment.
- Blood draws, urine samples, hands in my hoohah. Go ahead, it’s all yours.
(source)
- Sip of water. Need to pee.
- Sip of juice. Need to pee.
- Sip of smoothie. Need to pee.
- Drink nothing. Need to pee.
- Need to pee in a cup. Aim disappears and suddenly the spray function is activated.
- Every time.
(source)
- My nipples have a permanent hard on.
- They’re also the size of rocket launchers. I could legit harm someone with these things.
- The US Army called; they want their artillery back.
- When I put on a bra in the morning, the phrase “My cup runneth over,” comes to mind.
(source)
- Moment of clarity: I’m going to have to wipe someone else’s ass. Mouth drops open and stays suspended in mid-air.
- Lazy day naps and long uninterrupted nights of sleep flash before my eyes.
- Holy hormones. Is there a way to leash these suckers.
- I need a shrink, fast.
(source)
- What do you mean no soft cheese? Insert weeping here.
- Reduced caffeine. Insert weeping here.
- My shoe came untied. Insert weeping here.
- You ate the last of the Cheez Its? Insert homicidal maniac here.
- Is it possible to be a good mother if you never imagined being a mother?
My gut, and not just the tiny human growing in it, tells me yes. In fact, it whispers sweet nothings into my ear, speaks in dulcet tones, and reassures me everything is going to be just fine. That might also be the Hubby too, who hasn’t stopping smiling in months. I can’t say that I blame him. Now pass me a Cheez It please.
What’s your take on the tiny humans? Tell me funny pregnancy stories. I like a good laugh.
2 out of 3 times I could relate to the title of this post 🙂 the fun! But seriously, I remember and MISS everything you’re talking about now – even the nausea – because with it came this incredible excitement. I had tough times, for sure (hospital bedrest, my girls are 18 months apart, etc) but I still look back on it with nothing but smiles. Maybe because it changes so fast. In any case I am beyond THRILLED for you!
Michele @ paleorunningmomma recently posted…Plantain Apple Chicken Sausage Breakfast Hash {Paleo}
I am so glad to hear all of yours weren’t completely planned. Hey it happens; probably more than most would admit.
Thank you!!
Meghan recently posted…What To Expect When You Weren’t Expecting To Be Expecting
This is maybe my favorite post anywhere ever. That is all.
Thank YOU Martha. You made my day with your comment. 🙂
Meghan recently posted…What To Expect When You Weren’t Expecting To Be Expecting
Love it. Remember many of these moments well. This will make you laugh -I read chapter by chapter of that book, never reading ahead of the week I was in because I was too afraid. I had a moment of preterm labor at 28 weeks and ended up from a routine dr apt sent to the hospital. In my panic, I said to the nurse, wait – I cannot go into labor yet, I didn’t get up to that chapter, I am not ready! She wasn’t amused but I so serious. I was fine and made it to the day before my due date but still, this stands out in my mind lol. Enjoy every second, even when some of those seconds make you feel sick, it’s a wonderful time!
meredith @ Cookie ChRUNicles recently posted…recent Trader Joe’s shop & next week’s dinner plan
Your story cracked me up. Hold on, hold on, I haven’t gotten that far in the book yet. Ha! Thanks for the laugh.
Meghan recently posted…What To Expect When You Weren’t Expecting To Be Expecting
I never plan on having my own children (MAYBE adoption will be an option some day), but damn, you make it clear to me how happy I will be missing out on many aspects of the pregnancy time. Oh jeez! Haha! But congratulations, all the same!
Thanks Kaylin. It’s sure to be an adventure.
Meghan recently posted…What To Expect When You Weren’t Expecting To Be Expecting
You should think I might have learned by now that it’s not a good idea to read your posts when I am drinking coffee. Yet I have to wipe my screen and keyboard again….
I love children. The younger the better. Babys make my heart melt. And I am the first to play with them for hours when they are older. Growing one in me and squeezing it out not until it’s clearly already way too big for that are a whole differnet story though. I guess the only way I’ll ever have a child is actually getting knocked up accidently.
In the end everything will be fine! Because you’ll love the child so freakishly that nothing else will matter and you’ll gladly wipe asses and puke from the floor and you’ll gladly put that all on you to-do list because no matter how much changes you won’t lose yourself in the process.
And then there will be booze again, too 😉
Juli@1000lovelythings recently posted…Quick and Easy Burger Buns
Since you love children so much, this just means you’ll have to come back to Cleveland again in 2016. Preferable summer or Fall. 🙂
P.S. I know it’s a good post when your keyboard gets covered in coffee.
Meghan recently posted…What To Expect When You Weren’t Expecting To Be Expecting
First of all congratulations on an unexpected surprise blessing (this is what I said when my first friend to get married told me 6 months after the wedding that the whole “waiting 3-4 years” plan was knocked over by nature). Second of all, this kid is going to be very well fed, and have a straight talking, super classy mom, so that’s a lot more than many can say!
Alyssa @ renaissancerunnergirl recently posted…Gluten Free Golden Corn Bread
Aw why thank you for the lovely compliment. Nature does have a way of doing its own thing.
Meghan recently posted…What To Expect When You Weren’t Expecting To Be Expecting
A sense of humor is everything! Congratulations on your surprise parasite! The only parasite that you won’t mind stealing your energy, your youth and beauty. In all honesty, though, don’t read too many books – they can be very contradictory and ultimately, you’ll just know what to do. The books only stressed me out and once I finally chucked them into a corner and just relied on instinct, everything was much better. 😉 As sucky as losing sleep is and the sheer amount of diapers and body fluids, babies are so awesome, and they get even more awesome as they get older. The Terrible Twos/Threes are ironically also my favorite right now. Who knew?
Heather recently posted…One of those weeks…
That’s good to hear. I can look forward to the terrible twos and know they’re not so terrible. 🙂
Meghan recently posted…What To Expect When You Weren’t Expecting To Be Expecting
I am literally dying 😆 I had a few moments there where I came dangerously close to spitting my coffee all over my poor laptop screen, so please don’t put muffs on the baby so that your wit will never die. K thx. And I know I’ve told you this about a million times already, give or take, but I absolutely believe that it’s possible to be a wonderful mother even if you weren’t expecting it. I have a feeling you might even grow somewhat fond of the whole thing 😉
Amanda @ .running with spoons. recently posted…. thinking out loud #155 .
I suspect you’re right and I’m kind of banking on it. I’d say, Promise you’ll be there for me when I’m freaking out in the middle of the night or completely running on fumes, but I already know the answer. Love you.
Meghan recently posted…What To Expect When You Weren’t Expecting To Be Expecting
i’ll try not burst into tears of joy, but i just absolutely love this post 🙂
yes, i am certain that you were born to do this, you have it, mama. you got that special thing and it’s going to be grand. it’s going to be more than grand, it is going to be the best joyride dance party of your life.
SO happy for you and the impregnator 😀 xoxo
danielle recently posted…How To Plan a Ghetto Fabulous Wedding
Oh my gawd, this kid better have rhythm. Let’s hope they get my genes in the dancing department.
Meghan recently posted…What To Expect When You Weren’t Expecting To Be Expecting
I don’t have any pregnancy stories but I do have a big WOOOHOOO!!!!! Congratulations (again)! I’m so happy for you. You’re going to be a fabulous mother!
Christina @ The Athletarian recently posted…Friday Five!
I certainly hope you’re right. My fingers and toes are crossed. Pretty soon, my legs will likely be too. 🙂
Meghan recently posted…What To Expect When You Weren’t Expecting To Be Expecting
This was the greatest post ever! I’m sitting here getting my hair did cracking up to myself! My hairdresser thinks I’m crazy-she’s right! Remember…I was almost home free – Aliya will be 21 next week & Raymond will be off to college next year! What was I thinking getting my tubes untied at age 36 & having another at 37?!!!! It’s chaotic but I wouldn’t trade it for the world!
I’m so glad you liked it so much. It was definitely open and honest and I fully intend to hit you up for advice.
Meghan recently posted…What To Expect When You Weren’t Expecting To Be Expecting
The fact that you referred to babies as tiny humans shows me just how healthy and ready you are for this. You will know a different type of love. It’s boundless, it’s crazy-making, it’s euphoric, it’s tragic, it’s everything. It asks us to hold on tight and to let go, all at the same time. Remember it takes a village to raise a child! Our society tells us that we’re only strong if we do it alone but I promise you you’ll break if you try. Let people in, even if they drive you crazy. You’ll need them, they need you, and so does that little tiny human of yours. XO
Suzy recently posted…Blended Family Friday: Chicken Dinner
I have no intention of going this one alone. I’m going to need all the help I can get. Be prepared for random emails from little old me, or maybe I’ll just start running massive amounts of miles (provided I EVER get the go ahead from the doctor to exercise again).
Meghan recently posted…What To Expect When You Weren’t Expecting To Be Expecting
AHHHH CONGRATS!!! (I missed the announcement post). Dude, that is awesome – even if it wasn’t planned, I think you’re going to be a fantastic mama. Hopefully, baby inherits your fantastic sense of humour!
congrats again!!
Sam @ Better With Sprinkles recently posted…Five Things Friday 11/06/15.
I’m okay with the tiny human getting my sense of humor, but I’m hoping it gets the Hubby’s ass. 🙂
Meghan recently posted…What To Expect When You Weren’t Expecting To Be Expecting
This is incredibly cool news, Meghan! I’m so happy for you and your Hubby! Any baby would be truly lucky to have you for His or Her Mom. Many Hugs!
Thanks Fran. We’re definitely going on an adventure.
Meghan recently posted…What To Expect When You Weren’t Expecting To Be Expecting
LOVE IT! Congratulations! 🙂
Chelsea recently posted…Sesame Plantain Crackers
Thanks Boo. I can’t wait for you to meet the tiny human next summer.
Meghan recently posted…What To Expect When You Weren’t Expecting To Be Expecting
Ahhhhhahaha omg this was so great. I have nothing else to say.
Brittany recently posted…Streets of LA
Say you’ll come help me take care of this tiny human next Spring. 🙂 I’ll need someone to make farmers market runs for me.
Meghan recently posted…What To Expect When You Weren’t Expecting To Be Expecting
I have no advice or words of wisdom. You crack me up. I’ll drink for two! Mwah!
Laura @ Sprint 2 the Table recently posted…Peanut Butter Apple Pie Yogurt [Recipe]
Better make it three. Start ’em young. 🙂
Meghan recently posted…What To Expect When You Weren’t Expecting To Be Expecting
ROFL. Ohmygosh. Funnies post I think I have ever read.
I have not had a bun in my oven yet, but If i ever do, I can imagine a very similar thought process. lol. seriously funny stuff.
I look forward to future baby-related comedy. Keep it real.
Thanks Jennifer. I’m thrilled you loved the post and laughed out loud. Your comment made my day, and no worries. I fully intend to keep it real. It’s my way.
Meghan recently posted…What To Expect When You Weren’t Expecting To Be Expecting
Congrats!! So exciting. When I was pregnant with my daughter the taste and smell of red meat would send me puking in no time – and now my 23 year old daughter hates red meat because she says that I never introduced it to here in the womb! 😀
Biz recently posted…Say Hello to Tony for Me
I’ve been trying to eat all the peanut butter so there are no nut allergies! I hope it works.
Meghan recently posted…What To Expect When You Weren’t Expecting To Be Expecting
I am somewhat lacking in funny pregnancy stories but have no doubts that you’re gonna be a kickass mom. You’re going to have you very own mini vanilla gorilla, how cool is that?? (I am sorry about the lack of alcohol/soft cheese though- I’m pouring out 40 oz of mimosas for you right now)
I appreciate you pouring out mimosas for me. I knew you’d understand.
Meghan recently posted…What To Expect When You Weren’t Expecting To Be Expecting
AHHHH mazing, you never cease to amaze me from day one! I’m sure this whole experience is just going to be a blast maybe more so in the future looking back on it now…haha. But I digress this journey you’re on I know will be phenomenally documented here and I can’t wait for every single post!
Jayne recently posted…WIAW : Community is Everything!
Thanks sunshine. We’re definitely in for a wild ride. 🙂
Meghan recently posted…What To Expect When You Weren’t Expecting To Be Expecting
This gave me such a giggle… But also put the fear of life into me! Really can’t give you any advice on this one and the thought of pregnancy scares the bejesus out of me! But I do know one thing, you are going to be an awesome mum because you have a heart of gold 🙂
Jen @ Chase the Red Grape recently posted…Friday Favourites! 6th Nov
Thanks sunshine. I so very much appreciate your lovely comment.
Meghan recently posted…What To Expect When You Weren’t Expecting To Be Expecting
Hi sunshine. I love your blog. I can assure you that being a mom is one of the greatest feelings in this world. I love every single minute of my life that I spend with my cuttie little pie. To tell you the truth I was hoping that you get to experience this and hence kept asking you every time I saw you on when is this happening. Now you just have to move to Buffalo. Just kidding!!!
Anyways, I heard pregnancy is not fun for a lot of people just take it one day at a time. but once you see that baby you’ll forget about the hardships. There is no doubt about it that you will be a wonderful mom. Take care…Love you!!!
Thanks Hunia. I love you. Expect many calls in the middle of the night. 🙂
Meghan recently posted…What To Expect When You Weren’t Expecting To Be Expecting
This post is too good. Congratulations! I absolutely love your writing. You sound like you’ll be an awesome mum. 🙂
Thank you so much for the lovely comment Elizabeth. I know my writing style isn’t for everyone, so I’m doubly glad you enjoy it. Day made.
Meghan recently posted…What To Expect When You Weren’t Expecting To Be Expecting
Haha what an amazing read- really made me LOL! Planned or not, I have no doubt that you are going to make one heck of an amazing (& sassy) mom!!
Khushboo recently posted…Farro Avocado Salad
I suspect my sassiness will inly crease with lack of sleep. It’s gonna be interesting. 🙂
Meghan recently posted…What To Expect When You Weren’t Expecting To Be Expecting
Wow how exciting!! Congratulations!
Anneli recently posted…Nita Lake Lodge get away
Thanks Anneli. I appreciate it.
Meghan recently posted…What To Expect When You Weren’t Expecting To Be Expecting
Congratulations!! Yes you will be just fine and once you hold your precious baby, as scary as that may seem, all your worries will fade and you may even wonder why you waited so long, and heck I wouldn’t be surprised if this want your only. 😉
Sarah recently posted…Pumpkin Bars
Slow down there Tiger. 🙂 I already told the Hubby he’s getting his tubes tied, although he’s not open to the idea. Yet. 🙂
Meghan recently posted…What To Expect When You Weren’t Expecting To Be Expecting
OMG I can’t believe you’re pregnant!! CONGRATS LADY! Life loves to throw curveballs right? But it sounds like you’re learning to embrace this huge one (and it sounds like your hubby, who told me you were NEVER having kids when I met you guys, is excited!!!) Love it!
Nicole @ Foodie Loves Fitness recently posted…What Makes You Fit?
Ain’t that the truth. We’ve got a monster of a curveball right here and we’re definitely adapting.
Granted, it only took the Hubby 48 hours to embrace the idea, while I’ve been a little slower to come around. I got nine months though, and I know it’ll all end up fine, maybe even better than fine. 🙂
Meghan recently posted…What To Expect When You Weren’t Expecting To Be Expecting
Ohhhh my goodness! First of all, congratulations!! I promise you, everything will be juuuuust right. Second of all, I’ve got two teenagers who will be leaving the nest soon and that’s causing me to get that baby itch to have a little tiny one at home with me again. Hopefully, reading along with your journey will be enough for me. 🙂
Two teenagers about to leave the roost. Oh man, that must be tough. I’ll try my best to share my moments. 🙂
Oh my god this is hilarious. You are going to be one kick-ass mom – no doubt about it.
mylittletablespoon recently posted…Life. Mess. Messy life.
Why thank you sunshine. I’ve got my fingers and toes crossed tight. 🙂
Leave it to you to turn this into some stand up comedy here. Girl, you had me about to pee my pants…I had to read it all over from the beginning just to make sure I didn’t miss anything when I almost slipped to the floor laughing! And like I said before, you’re going to be a GREAT mother. I’m so happy for you. xoxo
Heather @ Kiss My Broccoli recently posted…All Work & Then Play!
Mission accomplished…in more ways than one apparently. 🙂
Meghan recently posted…Week in Review: The Milestone Moments Edition
I legit had a mouthful to say but I’m borderline peeing myself.
Off to eat cheeseits.
Arman @ thebigmansworld recently posted…Healthy One Bowl Flourless Funfetti Muffins
I hope I made you wet your pants. 🙂 Post success!
Meghan recently posted…Must Have Oven Roasted Candied Walnuts
Congratulations!! I am so excited to see what this little one brings to the blog 🙂
Frugal Foodie Frank recently posted…What I Ate Wednesday: The YouTube Edition
Thanks. I suspect the tiny human is going to make life very interesting.
Meghan recently posted…Must Have Oven Roasted Candied Walnuts
Congrats on the pregnancy! The first trimester is seriously the worst especially when you’re not expecting it – I got pregnant with my son “by accident” (my husband hates when I say that. He insists on saying that while we weren’t trying, we weren’t really being purposely careful) and it was all a big shock. The best part is how I found out I was pregnant – I wasn’t late yet, but we were packing/moving and going to live with my MIL for (what was supposed to be) a small while, and I had a rando pregnancy test sitting around that for seemingly obvious reasons, so I took it as a joke. Yup. There was a plus..
Morgan @ Morgan Manages Mommyhood recently posted…Holiday Wish List
Now that is a crazy store. I can’t believe you tried the test on a whim and lo and behold…wow!! Talk about a shocker.
Meghan recently posted…Savory Parmesan Mashed Sweet Potato Recipe
I’m super glad that you’re blogging about this in an honest and (seemingly) unedited way. Everybody seems to talk about pregnancy like it’s the best thing ever, and I am very interested in reading about your journey of being knocked up (as a responsible adult!). I’m undecided about having (my own biological) children, and imagine that I would have the same attitude as you if I were to find out I was harboring a fugitive. I also have a fond memory of a friend that was accidentally pregnant a while back … she is a nurse and was like “I swear in one of my damn nursing books it says you can have 4 oz. of alcohol a day!” … and she had a stack of big, thick, nursing books a mile high that she was determined to get through. Long story short: I don’t think she found it but she drank 4 oz or less every once in a while, and her kid turned out just fine. 🙂
Calee recently posted…Currently: November
Thanks Calee. I’m glad you appreciate my candor. It’s mainly the only way I know how to be. I’m not so great at sending imaginary smoke up anybody’s rectum.
I’ve got to imagine there’s a host of women out there, much like me, who were taken by surprise and suddenly find themselves in the world a motherhood and maternity everything without really understanding how it happened, minus the whole sperm meets egg deal. I thought it would be refreshing and hopefully helpful (and cathartic) to share my take on the whole thing.
I’ve been on the search for the same book, with no such luck although my primary care physician said a little won’t hurt. My OBGYN is another story though. Drill sergeant that one.
Meghan recently posted…Week in Review: #5
Hey – guess what?
From here on in, nothing, and I repeat, NOTHING is ever the same again.
If you can handle that, or at least get used to it, you are golden.
Because it ALL changes. Some for the worst, and some for the better, but all for the different.
And you will feel like your making mistakes every single day. Of your life. And that’s normal.
You may, in 3 years, feel like doing 1 of 2 things:
1) Pushing your child down
~or~
2) Desperately crushing them to your chest b/c you can’t believe you love anything this much.
(You’ll probably feel both at the same time)
I can legitimately say, as someone who set out to have one child, that the experience is like nothing I have ever done, is super cool/scary/nonsensical/fun/messy/hilarious and you are gearing up for the ride of your life.
And that you are supremely equipped to handle every part of it.
Congratulations, lady.
(And stay away from the momzillas. You know who they are.)
(I get it with the cheez-it thing. Seriously, I should have bought stock in that company.)
Aw hey there Lindsey. It’s so great to hear from you my dear and of course get some of your pearls of wisdom, which I fully intend to eat up as if they were Cheez Its.
I hope you’re doing well. I miss your blog, although at the same time, I get your technology ban. Don’t be a stranger.
Meghan recently posted…Week in Review: #5
Hahhaah I JUST read this post and I love the train of thought. Seriously – going to send this to all my preggo friends! Not that I actually have any yet, but when I do.
Dani @ Dani California Cooks recently posted…WIAW – Apocalyptic Spokane
I’m so glad you enjoyed the post. It was a fun one to write. I’ll probably do another one for the 2nd and 3rd trimesters too. All of this is so new to me, that everything is a surprise. I figure I might as well share my shock with everyone else. 🙂
Meghan recently posted…WIAW: The Pregnancy Eats Edition
This is 500x amazing. Thanks for sharing your thoughts and congrats again!
Melissa @ Mango About Town recently posted…Ladies who Brunch with Men: Crepes Edition
Thanks Melissa. I’m glad you liked the post.
Meghan recently posted…Currently: November 2015
I hated pregnancy with a fiery passion. Hated. Loathed. Abhorred. Did. Not. Like. Yet…. now I have a teeny tiny bestie that resembles a drunken pirate 90% of the time. WIN! You’ve got this, and you’ll ROCK it!
Jenn recently posted…Cranberry Mango Layered Smoothie
Thanks Jenn. I appreciate that. Sometimes I’m completely fine and some days I want to crawl under a rock and stay there.
Oh, the joys of pregnancy. I couldn’t drink water for 9 months. I had to resort to coconut water to rehydrate…regular water tasted awful.
Oh wow, that must have been an expensive habit. Pregnancy does the strangest things to us. 🙂
This is some really great advice. Even if you weren’t expecting to expect, the minute you find out is the perfect time to start learning as much as you can about what is to come. Thanks for sharing!
You’re welcome.